(Idril)
Odd Narrator: Early the next morning Gandalf... ewww... Ick! What kind of pervert writes this stuff? I absolutely refuse to do that joke.
Gandalf: Thank goodness! Pippin, wake up, sleepyhead!
Pippin: Who are you and where are my underpants?
Gandalf: You mean "Where am I and what is the time?"
Pippin: Oh, right! What's up?
Gandalf: It's the second hour past when dawn should have been, and you have to report for duty in a bit. Your underpants are wherever you left them... and to answer your next question I've brought your breakfast.
Pippin: (eyeing the breakfast suspiciously) A bagel, fat-free cream cheese and four ounces of coconut flavored Slimfast? What the heck is this?
Gandalf: Remember your physical? The Tower Guard has strict weight and body fat limitations... and you're on the Fat Boy program. You have to lose two pounds a month or 2% body fat or you'll end up with a reprimand.
Pippin: That's the "Weight Management Program" if you please. And either way it bites. I've walked 20 miles per day for the last four months and they say I'm out of shape? Puuuulease! That's just discriminatory. I can't help it if my people are naturally meatier than those bony Numenorians. They totally cheated me on the taping too... just because I wouldn't let the nurse grab my bum.
Gandalf: Maybe you should get dunked next time. It's a more accurate way to measure body fat. Oh wait! You'd have to keep your mouth shut for 5 minutes, so that wouldn't work.
Pippin: Hey! That's not nice. Why did you bring me here anyway?
Gandalf: Because you're a walking menace. I figured you would cause less damage here, considering that Minas Tirith is made of stone.
Pippin: <sigh> I beginning to miss the orcs... at least they served a good Chuck steak.
(BunnieBugs)
Odd Narrator: Soon Pippin was walking with Gandalf into the Tower Hall. Denethor waved Gandalf to a seat, leaving Pippin standing and ignored for awhile. He shifted uncomfortably from foot to foot, occupying his mind by listing all the things he could have had for breakfast and didn't get.
Pippin: (thinking) Let's see... eggs, bacon, sausage, tomatoes, potatoes, pancakes, pastry...
Denethor: So, Master Peregrin!
Pippin: waffles... wha? Oh, sorry.
Denethor: How do you like it here so far? You had a good day yesterday, right? Although I expect the food is a bit scarcer than you'd like, you being on the Weight Management Program, and all.
Pippin: Geez, is there anything around here that you don't know about?
Denethor: Nothing.
Pippin: (gulp)
Denethor: I don't know, however, what sort of service you are fit for, so today you'll be filling in for my esquire, who had the gall to ask for some "personal time." I don't even know what that means, but I took it as an opportunity to find out what makes you tick.
Pippin: (squeak)
Denethor: Today you are my errand boy, lackey and general gofer. You shall talk to me when I desire it, and sing if I request it. You do sing, don't you?
Pippin: Erm, well, yes, after a fashion. That is, all the songs I know are silly ditties and tavern songs... hardly fit for these great halls.
Denethor: And you shall sing them if I tell you to! And dance, too, if I fancy it! What I say GOES around here, and don't you forget it!
Pippin: (double squeak) One jig and a bawdy limerick, coming right up!
Denethor: Not now, boy! I've got more important things to do.
Odd Narrator: Pippin, so relieved he could barely stand straight, listened while Denethor and Gandalf spoke of the Rohirrim, Eomer, and policies of a faraway people. He marveled that the Steward could know so much about a distant land without the benefit of internet access.
Denthor: Master Peregrin!
Pippin: (gasp) There once was a hobbit from Bree, Who sat with a maid on his knee...
Denethor: No, no! Go to the armoury and get yourself properly dressed in the livery of the Tower, and then get you chubby behind back here.
Pippin: Yes, sir!
Odd Narrator: Pippin soon found himself dressed all in black and silver, complete with a helm set with a silver star in the center and a small propeller on the top.
Pippin: Aw, why can't I have one with wings on the sides like the other guys?
Armoury Clerk: Because you're the new guy. That's the rules: you have to wear the Beanie Helm until some other poor dweeb enlists.
Pippin: Well, I feel like an idiot.
Armoury Clerk: You don't look like one. Well... except for the Beanie Helm (snicker). The rest of you looks quite handsome.
Pippin: Thanks. I think. (sigh) May I keep my cloak?
Armoury Clerk: Yes, but don't wear it on duty.
Pippin: What about my scarf?
Armoury Clerk: (blink, blink) You've got to be kidding.
Pippin: No, really! It reminds me of home. And this gloom is getting really depressing!
Armoury Clerk: Very well. But if anyone asks, I had nothing to do with it...
Pippin: Thanks! My lips are zipped!
(merithehobbit)
Odd Narrator: After a very long dull day of chatting with the Steward Denethor and trying on new armor... hey, that doesn't sound like a difficult day to me... well, anyway, Pippin headed to the mess hall because he felt hungry... what a surprise!
Pippin: Hey... gimme a break.
Odd Narrator: Got some Kit Kats over there.
Pippin: OOOOOOHHHHHH! [runs and rips them open] [chomp, chomp] So crispy and look how they break.
Beregond: I'll just take that... [snatch]
Pippin: Hey... [lick, chomp, swallow]
Beregond: That is definitely not on the Fat Boy diet.
Pippin: [licking every last bit of chocolate of his fingers] Sheesh, I am starving!
Beregond: Well, you're in luck. Today at the stuffy, cramped, and generally depressing mess hall we have some good "stick to your tummy" meals on tap for those on the "Weight Management Program".
Pippin: You're right those walls seem to be getting closer... [gulp] I can't breathe too well in here... Ohh... but that lamp looks awfully like a hanging doughnut... [drool]
Beregond: Cookie... need some Fat Boy number two for our little chubby camper.
Pippin: [blush] [tiptoes up to the cafeteria style board to see what is available] Oh... some of that ham, and the turkey leg, and a bunch of potatoes, with lots of butter and gravy... then...
Cookie: No, no... ye can't be havin' those fatty things on Fat Boy diet, no, no... here you go. Got you some high fiber energy muffins, with low-fat low-cholesterol butter substitute, you can have up to three servings of vegetables, these green beans, broccoli and carrots are particularly filling, and filled with fiber. Good for you... fills you up. Two servings of fruit... we have only some un-ripened fruit salad, and that very un-sweet watermelon that is common to all cafeterias. Oh, here's a rather yellow orange, but I believe they taste alright.
Pippin: Those will do fine, but Cookie sir... can I have some meat? Bread? Cheese? Good Hobbit food?
Cookie: Well I do have some 97% fat free lean roast beef you can have, but the other stuff is loaded. [puts a few slices on Pippin's plate]
Pippin: That's all?
Cookie: [glare] That's all! If you're still hungry, you can have some rice cakes, but that's it... and no dessert.
Pippin: [pout] I just know this is a conspiracy... I'll be skin and bones... wasting away... [grabs a few rice cakes, and reaches for some ale but gets smacked by Cookie's spatula, so he reluctantly grabs some Diet Lemonade and walks off with his tray]
Beregond: Hold on... [bearing a tray with a large pile of turkey, ham, roast beef, bread, butter, cheese, ale and several slices of pie] I'll sit out on the patio with you. [they walk outside] Here's a nice little table for two, just at the right angle to see the sunset... well on a normal day.
Pippin: You're not going to try and grab my emaciated bum are you?
Beregond: [snicker] No, [chomp, chew] I am going to eat!
Pippin: [looks at food] I don't know if I can, I am just so... I don't know... moody today.
Beregond: [stops mid chomp] You, not eat? Wow! You are depressed. [lowers voice] listen, if you eat all your healthy dinner, I'll let you have one of my pieces of pie. I read in a magazine that you shouldn't deprive yourself too much or you'll go overboard when you cheat.
Pippin: [perks up] Well, in that case... [INHALE] Hand me that pie!
Beregond: [rolls eyes] All right. That was pretty amazing, I don't think I've ever seen anyone eat that fast!
Pippin: Whoo, Pie! Yum [chomp, lick, smack] [burp] Well, I must say, I still have quite the gloom on my mind.
Beregond: Well, your armor looks nice, I see they fitted you with the beanie helm?
Pippin: [flips the little propeller] It looks alright I guess, but it is kind of hot, and I guess I am just feeling worried, this isn't a game, or a play, I am really enlisted in an army... I could die! [sigh]
Beregond: You are weary of this day?
Pippin: VERY! Man, do you know what I have to do in there? Denethor has me standing around waiting on him, bringing him food, singing songs, coming at his beck and call... do you know how hard that is for an aristocratic hobbit to serve high fat food to someone when they are on a diet? No doubt you would think I should be thrilled with such an honor, but man, even if I could pig out on greasy cheese fries dipped in ranch dressing and a big steak what's the use... it's so gloomy out, I can't believe I swore to serve this city... if you guys get pollution like this regularly, I may have to go AWOL!
Beregond: No, this isn't normal pollution, I think it must be an inversion... but definitely some kind of extra power plants cranked up over the weekend in Mordor, they don't have any filters or cleaners on their cooling towers... it could be nuclear and sending radioactive fumes over here and we'd never know... Denethor is so pro-energy, he kind of keeps the environmentalists in the dungeon.
Pippin: Even Gandalf is in a bad mood today, he's all "Faramir this, and Faramir that"... he didn't even eat lunch! That has to be a bad omen!
Odd Narrator: Suddenly as they talked they were overcome with fear and cowered at the sound of the Nazgirls shrieking in the distance.
Pippin: [covering his ears] MAKE IT STOP! AAAACCCCKK! They are soooo creepy.
Beregond: [peeking over the battlement] Come, peek over the battlement with me... finally, something is happening at least... they have come... there is some bad action going on down below.
Pippin: [looks up] How bad? Gory bad, or Michael Jackson bad?
Beregond: Creepy suspenseful bad.
Pippin: [standing on a box to peer over the side]
Odd Narrator: Off in the distance Pippin saw the Nazgirls riding flying steeds and swooping down on tiny running objects.
Pippin: Are those birds going for worms?
Beregond: NO! It is the Black Riders chasing Faramir the Hottie and his Band of Buff Buddies.
Pippin: OH! Wow, look at them ride... they're good. But those scary Nazgirls.
Nazgirls: SCHREEEEETCH! We will get you, tear off your shirts, kiss your hot bodies... Screeeeeetch!
Faramir: Sheesh! The price of fame! [ride, ride, ride]
Trumpet of Faramir: Tooot, tooot, toot, toooooot!
Beregond: The horn of Gondor! It is Faramir's call... but how can they get to the gate on time with those hormonal screeching things flying and swooping about... NO they will be lost... Faramir... hottie... buff... buddies... will no one save the day? Don't despair. [frantically runs off]
Pippin: [cowering and ashamed at his fear] I can't believe how they freak me out so... I just know they have multiple web sites on most of us actors... every picture, and every sound bite... [shudder] [peeks over side] [gulp]
Odd Narrator: As Pippin watched the Nazgirls swooping and screeching he saw a flash of white and silver coming from the north... like a star... with the speed of an arrow... oh how descriptive [wipes tear]... ahem... It seemed to Pippin a pale light surrounded it, and the shadows faded around it... [sniff] What a hero.
Pippin: GANDALF! Hooray, it is Gandalf, good show... he always turns up when things are darkest! Go get the bloody... [looks around, grabs a very large silver and black bullhorn with the words Gondor Rules on the side and yells through it] Go on, Gandalf! Hooray! [whips out a big foam finger] You're number one! You're number one! [does a little flip and a ta-da] Mighty Whitey he's our man, if he can't zap them no one can! [silver and black pom poms fluffing] GOOO GANDALF!
Odd Narrator: As Pippin cheered above the watching residents of Minas Tirith saw the swooping dark shadows head towards Gandalf in attack mode.
Gandalf: [holding up staff] Keep your hormones at bay, oh Evil Nazgirls, there are no celebrities here!
Nazgirl Leader with Elijah Wood T-shirt on: SSSCCREEEEEEEEEEETTTTTCHHHH! YOU LIE OLD MAN! [other Nazgirls swoop behind her]
Gandalf: No, you bear the shirt of a hero, but he isn't here.
Nazgirl LWEWTO: [swoops some more] We see buff bodies, and buns of granite moving swiftly.
Nazgirl with Sean Bean T-shirt on: SSSSSSCCCCCRRRRRREEEEEEEETTTTTCCCCCCHHH! OOOOWWWWWW! BABY! It's FARAMIR! He's mine! [swoop]
Nazgirl LWEWTO: [LOOM] We know Faramir the Hottie is riding forth, how dare you prevent our cult worship... SSSSCCCCCCRRRRRRREEEEEEEE.
Gandalf: Alright, you asked for it [holds up staff, and beam of light shoots forth engulfing the lead Nazgirl]
Nazgirl LWEWTO: Ack! Icky! What is that [cough, cough] smells like [waves hands] a musk?
Gandalf: Hormone Repellent... a magical equivalent to a cold shower... BE GONE!
Nazgirl LWEWTO: [whimper, whine, waver, wail] I feel so depressed now... lets go get some chocolate ice cream.
Nazgirl WSBTO: Well, just one scoop, can't ruin our figures for when our hormones kick back in gear. [all Nazgirls swoop away]
(Idril)
[scene makes a short detour to the enemy camp]
Fell Beast Handler: You stupid girls! You were supposed to feed the fell beasts, not take them joyriding! The boss is going to be livid!
Nazgirl: But you didn't give us any food for them.
FBH: That's because you have to find out what they want, first.
Nazgirl: What?
FBH: Go right up close and ask them what they want to eat.
Nazgirl: Okay, I guess... (goes up close to the fell beast). Okay, what do you want to AAAAGGHHH!
Fell Beast: [CHOMP CRUNCH SWALLOW]
FBH: NEXT!
(merithehobbit)
Odd Narrator: [clears throat] Oh... long part for me... [takes a drink] KKAAAA! Ahem... Once the Nazgirls had swooped away Pippin decided to stop cowering and go see Gandalf arrive back inside the city. He could see that Faramir the Hottie and Band of Buff Buddies were waiting for the buddies who couldn't hold their horses when the Nazgirls swooped over... so he would just have enough time to get his chubby behind to the Tower and the Steward so he wouldn't have to take too many steps running up and down the levels of the inconveniently structured city.
As he reached the entrance to the citadel he found it crowded and had to jump and bounce just to see in between the waists of the people. He decided he'd never get to see anything being so short so he climbed up on a wall that said "DO NOT CLIMB" figuring he'd ask for pardon later... no one seemed to notice as he still had to lean on the tall guy in front of him to see.
Soon the crowd heard a clamor in the street as they rode their horses up the cobblestone streets and there was much cheering and crying of the names Faramir and Mithrandir.
Pippin: COOL it's like a vocal wave... you can see and hear it rise through out the circular city!
Odd Narrator: [glare] Yes, it was very cool, and the people in the city were psyched Soon Pippin could see a crowd and two horsemen riding slowly due to traffic. One was in white, and the other in dark green... looking very weary and even depressed.
Pippin's thoughts: HOLY CARROTCAKE WITH CREAM CHEESE FROSTING! It's Boromir! No... wait, it can't be... I saw him get killed way back in book one! He must at least use the same personal trainer... the pectorals! He has to be Boromir's brother... I hope he isn't as prone to bum grabbing! But they weren't kidding... he earned that title... Faramir the Hottie! Whooweee! No wonder the Nazgirls are stalking him.
Crowd: FARAMIR, FARAMIR, FARAMIR, FARAMIR, FARAMIR!
Pippin: FaRaMir FaRaMir, FaRaMir, FaRaMir!
Faramir: [looks up and spies Pippin, the source of the odd pronunciation of his name] Whaa... a halfling? And all dressed up with the Beanie Helm of the Tower Guard? [looks at Gandalf in confusion] What gives?
Gandalf: [lowering his voice] Well, he was causing too much trouble with our other group, I thought the world would be safer if he was busy here instead of getting in the way out there.
Faramir: Reeeaally?
Gandalf: Well, we'll talk about it after your dad lectures us for a while... come with us Pippin... just hang on to Shadowfax's tail.
Shadowfax: Well, only if you promise not to pull... and bring me an apple later.
Pippin: I'd bring you all sorts of treats if I had access to any... I got a half eaten package of rice cakes in my room... will that do?
(Idril)
[Scene: Denethor's private chamber]
Pippin: Whew, at least I don't have to serve the wine and all. That would be demeaning for a hobbit of my lineage.
Merry: (from Rohan) Hey!
Pippin: What? Oh sorry!
Faramir: We accomplished our mission, Father. We attacked the Carnies and killed their great beast. None survived to carry word of their fate to the enemy.
Denethor: That's good, son! I'm proud of you.
Faramir: Really?
Denethor: No! Psych!
Faramir: <SIGH> Anyway, that same day the weird stuff started happening. We found two creatures hiding near the site of our ambush. Anborn thought they were squirrels, but when we dragged them out and shook 'em off a little they turned out to be halflings.
Gandalf's Eyebrows: [LEAP]
Denethor: Halflings? Are you sure?
Faramir: Yes, we used our Field Guide to Fanciful Creatures... and they met 8 out of the 10 criteria. Apparently they don't give you a pot of gold if you catch them. But I always thought that sounded fake anyway.
Denethor: Go on... don't ramble.
Faramir: Oh, where was I... oh yes, after the ambush I questioned them and took them with me to Henneth Annun. They seemed to be on a mission-
Gandalf's Eyebrows: [WIGGLE SQUIRM]
Faramir: ...nary? Yes, they were missionaries, sent from their far land to spread their message of love and goodwill to the people of the South. One carried a great burden-
Gandalf's Eyebrows: [SWOOP DIVE]
Faramir: Uhhh... burdensome pack of religious literature. They said they'd been sent by Elro-
Gandalf's Eyebrows: [VIBRATE FLUTTER]
Faramir: L. Ron Hubbard! Yes, they were Scientologists. They were heading toward...
Gandalf's Eyebrows: [????]
Faramir: Cirith Ungol.
Gandalf's Eyebrows: [GASP! FAINT!]
Faramir: Later we found another creature... not a halfling I think for he met only 5 1/2 of the 10 criteria. The two missionaries claimed he was their guide, and knew a way through that dreadful pass.
Gandalf: Great Galloping Gizzards! When did they leave Henneth Annun? Do you think?
Faramir: What?
Gandalf: Army?
Faramir: Doubtful.
Gandalf: Timing?
Faramir: Preparation.
Gandalf: Ah!
Faramir: Yep.
Gandalf: Whew!
Faramir: Anyway, after we parted I sent most of my company to Osgiliath. I hope that's alright, Father.
(Russ)
Denethor: What the hell you askin' me for? You never listen to me anyway! It's not as if I was your FATHER or the KING or anything. Oh wait, I AM!
Faramir: Well, technically...
Denethor: SILENCE WORM! Do you think that I am not learned in the ways of the secret "Eyebrow Codex"!? Think you not that I, indeed, anyone within a score of leagues could miss those gigantor grey shrubberies flapping around on Mithirandir's dome! I may be old and crazy as a loon, but I ain't blind!
Faramir: But Father...
Denethor: SPEAK NOT UNTO ME OH FOUL SPAWN O' MY LOINS, I ain't deaf neither! I understand half of what you said twice as well as you meant me too and less than half of...
Gandalf: Wha...? (looks at Faramir)
Faramir: (shrugs and shakes his head)
(Idril)
Denethor: Those were no Scientologists, those were the halflings of the poem. And that was no religious literature they carried either!
(Russ)
Denethor: Oh Boromir, my Boromir!
Faramir: Sorry. But you know, you could have said something before you sent me out there to, Ummmm what was it now, oh yeah, DIE!!!!
Denethor: Right! Like that would have done any good. You never listen to me anyway! You, with all your dancing and fancy suits! Sure, It may impress the ladies, but it's not worth a tinkers damn on the field of battle!
Faramir: So be it!
Denethor: So be it!?!? What the hell are you going to do boy? DANCE the enemy all the way back to Mordor? BORE him to death with your poetry? Illuvatar help us all! Your Brother would have known what to do!
Faramir: Oh, so that's what this is all about. What, would you have us change places?
Denethor: (expression of complete incredulity) Well DUH!!!!!!! What the hell have I been talking about here? You come to me and all I get is half spoken riddles and Riverdancing eyebrows, Boromir would have brought me a major award!
Faramir: You know, I have had just about enough out of you old man! Who in blazes was it that sent Boromir off the Rivendell in the first place?
Denethor: Oh SURE! Blame it on the King why don't you! Oh woe is me, WOE IS ME!!! If only the you-know-what had come to me!
(Idril)
Gandalf: So you think Boromir would have brought it to you? You must be nuckin' futs. The wicked thing started teasing and seducing him back in Rivendell. His hormones were in such a rush he could hardly remember your name. He came to his senses a bit at the end, thank goodness. But had he taken it, he would not have brought it to you. I doubt you'd even get an invitation to the wedding.
Denethor: Ha! So you found Boromir less of a fan than my other so-called son? He wasn't impressed by your haphazard fire magic, perhaps? I am his father and I say he would have brought it to me.
Gandalf: Would not.
Denethor: Would too.
Gandalf: Would not.
Denethor: Would too.
Gandalf: Would too.
Denethor: Would not.
Gandalf: Ha! <SNORK> Gotcha.
Faramir: <snicker>
Denethor: Yes, VERY FUNNY! Laugh your ass off old man. Laugh while those two halfwits deliver the thing to the Enemy's hand! It should have have come here, to be properly classified and labeled and stored in a container approved for Top Secret materials! Not used, I say! Except maybe every once in a while, perhaps. Yes. And only as a last resort against those who refuse to respect my authoritay!
Gandalf: At the last resort you say, but you understand little of it's power. Don't think you're so old and juiceless that it could not have roused your desire. Don't scowl at me! Even I dared not take it. It would have whispered and teased and pouted to you constantly, even from the depths of your hardened Top Secret storage facility.
Pippin: Halfwits? Hey!
Denethor: Alright! I've had enough. Step outside... we're going to have it out right now!
Gandalf: If you insist!
[They step out to the courtyard]
Pippin: What the heck?
Faramir: Oh geeze... not another pissing contest!
Pippin: Ewww!
Faramir: If I ever get like that, just shoot me.
Pippin: Amen!
[both look at narrator]
Odd Narrator: Oh thanks guys, leave me to get us out of this. The "contest" ended in an argument... and don't even think about asking me the details. Then Lord Dick... I mean Lord Denethor dismissed them all and called in the cleaning crew.
Denethor: You all go rest for a while. Meanwhile, I'll try to think of another incredibly dangerous mission for you, Faramir. Oh and son, you need to get some sun or take some vitamins or something, you look all pale.
Faramir: <swaying with fatigue> Gee thanks, Dad. It's good to know that you care.
(aneya26)
Odd Narrator: Everyone took leave of the Loony... [ahem] Lord of the City and prepared for a long winter's nap. Wait... what season is it again? Sorry, I haven't been keeping track.
Pippin: Bad narrator! No rice cake!
Odd Narrator: [lacking care] Wah.
Pippin: [taking the old wizard's dirty and wrinkled hand] Granpa Gandalf, is Frodo gonna be okay? Well, I mean, will we all be okay? Wait a minute... I mean, will we all get to see Frodo's lovely blue peepers ever again?
Gandalf: [giving Pippin's propeller a quick flick and a turn] Well, ever since Rivendell I thought the little bugger was pretty much screwed. [ponders for a moment] Actually, I feared that he would remain "pure" for the rest of his life. So what I meant to say was I knew Frodo would eventually be up excrement creek without a paddle. And when I just heard about... you know... Cirith Ungol...
Pippin: Your eyebrows became lords of the dance.
Gandalf: That's right. Yet seeing the nicely built body of Faramir has given me some bit of hope.
Pippin: So you're not a...
Gandalf: Shhhh!!! You see, Faramir is such a hottie that the Eye is now fixed on the sweat that pours off him. It is Faramir's body which has kept the Enemy from being seduced by the wowness of Frodo's blue eyes.
Pippin: Hooray for Faramir and his abs of steel and butt of mighty granite!
Gandalf: INDEED!! And maybe, just maybe, you being a bona fide idiot has helped us all.
Pippin: [gives propeller a twirl] HEY!! *sniffle*
Gandalf: Hmmm... about five days ago he had found out that Saruman was a wus, but that's no biggy. So what about Aragorn? His time for a bath draws near. That, and he may have gotten stoned and showed himself to the enemy.
Pippin: EEEWWW!!!! You mean naked time for smelly ranger guy?
Cue Card Boy: [interrupting] Um... sir... try reading that line again. This time, we have the large print version.
Gandalf: Thank you kindly. Let me see... ah, yes. He may have used the seeing Stone and had a staring contest with Sauron. But we won't know for sure 'til later. The sky is falling, the moon is turning the color of blood and the horsemen are riding. Well now my lad, off to bed with you. Sweet dreams!
Pippin: But... but...
Gandalf: Yes, you have a butt and quite a nice one for pinching. Now hurry off to bed before I spank it.
Pippin: SQUEAK!!!! I have to ask about Gollum. How could Frodo and Sam be getting along with such a creature with a butt made of green marshmallows? That is just so WRONG!
Gandalf: Very wrong, but I cannot answer that now. I'm having a senior moment, and am finding it difficult again to see all ends. All I can say is this: even a politician can do good that he does not intend.
Pippin: HUH?!?
Gandalf: Say goodnight, Pippin.
Pippin: Goodnight, Pippin.
(BunnieBugs)
Odd Narrator: The next day dawned as brown as sewer water, and men who had been cheered by the sight of Faramir the Hottie grew depressed again. No winged shadows were seen, but an occasional shriek or giggle would cause brave men to shudder, and handsome men to run like hell.
Faramir was gone again, sent out to do the duty of two, due to the recent and unfortunate downsizing. And men kept looking northward and saying, "Where the @%#$ are the @%#$ing Riders from Rohan?"
Lord *cough*dickhead*cough* Denethor had called an early morning council, and it was deemed that their force was too weak to start picking on anyone, so they must man the walls and wait for the attack by those who would demand their lunch money.
Denethor: We must keep the bullies outside the schoolyard, though! The Enemy will try to cross the river at Osgiliath, as when my brave Boromir stopped him in his tracks.
Faramir: That was then, this is now. The Enemy means business, now, and we are hopelessly outnumbered, even if we should manage to take out many of his force. And retreat would then be dangerous...
Denethor: (apoplectic) RETREAT! Retreat? Why you lily-livered, yellow...
Prince Imrahil: Ahem... Cair Andros must also be defended. You must heed me, for I have elvish blood. The Enemy is likely to try more than one way in.
Denethor: Well, that's tough. The men who are already there will just have to manage. But someone must go and sacrifice himself to protect the river and the Pelennor, though it may mean his very death.
Faramir: (sigh) I suppose you mean me.
Denethor: Well, DUH! Give the boy a prize.
Faramir: All right, I'm outta here. Will you like me better if I come back after a job well done?
Denethor: Come back? Who said anything about coming back? You damn well better die a hero's death, or else!
Faramir: Sheesh! That's harsh, even for you...
Gandalf: (quietly to Faramir as he is leaving) Do not heed him, Faramir. We will need you back, as your stunning good looks and rock-hard physique are a source of inspiration and admired by all. Even your father loves you...
Faramir: [SNORT] As if!
Gandalf: No, I'm sure of it.
Faramir: You can't see all ends, but you can see this? Whatever it is, get it into the shop, 'cause something's mucking up the reception.
Gandalf: Trust me, the guy will live to regret his words... but not for long...
Faramir: Wha-?
Gandalf: Oh, did I say that out loud? Never mind. It's probably just that 'reception' problem you mentioned.
(Russ)
Odd Narrator: And so Faramir left once more to ride out to battle and with him went, hmm, let's see, one, two, three... okay, seven... wait, no I was right, it's seven. Okay, so Faramir and his "host", rode out from Minas Tirith to his dea... um, DEFENSE of Osgiliath. As the men watched him ride off the muttered amongst themselves:
Guy on Wall #1: Poor Devil, it was nice knowing him.
G.O.W. #2: Yeah, but better him than me, that's what I says.
G.O.W. #3: Now that's no way to speak of the dead!
Faramir: Do you mind? I'm standing right here!
G.O.W. #2: Sorry skipper.
Faramir: (Sigh) Come on "Host", lets go strike some fear into the hearts of the enemy. (rides off)
G.O.W. #1: Well, with him gone maybe we can at least get lai... um, "cuddles".
G.O.W. #3: Dude, Faramir is not your problem there. Try mixing in a shower once in a while!
G.O.W. #2: Oh well, I don't suppose it matters. We're all gonna die anyway if Rohan doesn't show up pretty soon.
G.O.W. #3: Think they're coming?
Gandalf the White: Of course they'll...
Guys on Wall: Aieeee! My Eyes! Dude! Turn it down a notch will ya? MEDIC!
(Medic comes running up)
Medic: What happened here? OH MAN? How long has this guy been dead? Smell like he's been here a week at least!
G.O.W. #3: He's not dead Doc, it was Gandalf, again.
Medic: The robes?
G.O.W. #3: What else?
Medic: Mithirandir! What have I told you!
Gandalf: Ooops, (pulls old cloak around him), sorry 'bout that, the wind you know. Is he gonna be okay?
G.O.W #2: Yeah, he'll live. Hey Doc, why don't you give him a bath while you're at it.
Medic: YOU give him a bath!
G.O.W. #2: No way dude, we're on duty. This ones all yours.
Medic: Sigh. (Exits)
Gandalf: Well, as I was saying, Rohan will be here, even if we're all cuisine d'orc by then.
G.O.W. #3: My my, you're just a bundle of cheer!
Odd narrator: In the night a rider came from the fords saying that a great host was already falling upon Osgiliath and that it was joined by the Haradrim of the south, cruel and tall and lacking in any sort of fashion sense. The messenger told also that the enemy was now led by the Black Captain, and his fear went before him.
(meri)
Odd Narrator: Well, it's the next day again... not that anyone could tell as the darkness looming over was at maximum. The weather forecasters were stumped and Denethor declared it a NO BURN day as the air quality went way past the RED zone. Alas no winds blew the pollution away and the entire Gondor area was disqualified from further government funding for their road and highway improvement projects.
Guy on street #1: Well that just sucks, now who is going to pay for the new traffic birds we need at Thornybush and Riverview?
Guy on street #2: Who knows, this whole system is primed for a fall... did you see the size of the potholes on the West Lamplight Street?
Guy on street #3: Well, it serves them right, always ignoring the environmental rules over there in Mordor. Denethor should've pushed for the sanctions. [cough, cough] This brown air is killing me!
Odd Narrator: Meanwhile, through the din of disgruntled and annoyed and coughing of asthmatic citizens, they soon received even worse news. For a messenger had somehow arrived, apparently he had a very fast horse, and breathless, he spewed his depressing information.
Messenger: Well, I mean, we are at war, I wouldn't say it was depressing, just not really perky.
Odd Narrator: Whatever, I was going for a dignified air, but please yourself.
Messenger: [snicker] [clears throat] Well, the passage of the Anduin was won by the enemy and Faramir was retreating to the wall of the Pelennor...
Denethor: RETREATING... what a wuss.
Messenger: Uh your Stewardness... he was hopelessly outnumbered at least 10 to one...
Denethor: That's no excuse.
Messenger: Well, he did do some serious damage at the Causeway Forts, and many of the enemy have paid with their disgusting lives...
Denethor: Probably not enough though?
Messenger: Well, duh. You send him out there with like 7 Buff Buddies... of course he can do some damage just by stunning them with his glorious smile, but sheesh... what do you expect against a massive army descending upon him?
Denethor: Well, you'd think he could at least die a glorious death instead of just being glorious?
Messenger: Unfortunately the enemy actually used their heads this time and planned for such an attack. They had secretly built barges and floats and swarmed across like beetles... if they ever make that into a movie it will probably look rather cool.
Denethor: Well, I am sure that someone told the Orcs to plan for an attack that way, but you say Faramir is still alive? Dang.
Messenger: Well, my Lord, it will please you that IF he even makes it to the Pelennor the enemy will be frantically chasing his granite behind in a lust never before noted in our days. Our biggest problem isn't the Orcs, it is the Black Captain... he scares the crud out of everyone, even the horses. You think WE have a problem with baths... his reek proceeds him... even his own groupies cower at him... I'd guess they'd even bathe and go to cultural events if he asked them.
Gandalf: Well, if that's the case, I had better go help! Can't have cultured Orcs around, that would be very bad!
Odd Narrator: At the hearing of this news Gandalf ran over to Shadowfax and rode off into the suns... gloom his Glow-in-the-dark cloak quickly fading from sight. Pippin stood on the wall facing Eastward.
(Meri and Idril)
Pippin: Well there he goes again. Another night to spend, spinning the beanie... for I know I am just too hyped up on these diet pills to close my eyes! <SIGH> I just wish Gandalf could have left me a key to our room.
(Meri)
Odd Narrator: Guess what, yet another night goes by... and then... BING... it's morning again folks... not that anyone could tell again. Except for the bell ringer guy... he was the only one that had a watch, although most in the city thought it must have busted because he is ringing the bell in the morning, and it is dark...
Pippin: SHHH... do you hear that?
Odd Narrator: Huh, fires and rumbles... hey Pip, maybe we'll see some action TODAY!
The Men of the city: They have taken the wall! They are blasting breeches! After all that masonry work we did too... They are coming!
Beregond: [showing up after a nice rest] Where's Faramir? OH... please... tell me he is still alive!
Pippin: Man, you really have it bad for him!
Beregond: [glare]
Pippin: Oh hey, lookie... Gandalf returns...
Beregond: Dude... he is leading a group of horsemen and they're guarding wains of the wounded. Man, they're going to be full up at the Houses of Healing today.
Pippin: Eeewwww...
Beregond: What... no stomach for the wounded of war?
Pippin: No, a stupid bird just took a crap on me... well, I guess the beanie hat came in handy... got any wet wipes?
Beregond: [glare]
Odd Narrator: Gandalf wound his way up the levels of the city, to the lazy bum Denethor who insisted on hanging out in the SEVENTH level... instead of having a spine and handling details of war down by the BRAVE fighting army.
Gandalf: [huff, puff] Whew, what a night.
Denethor: So, has Faramir survived and showed up yet?
Gandalf: Well, [huff, puff] he was alive when I saw him last, but he was being brave, commanding, manly and generally heroic by keeping his granite bum with the rear guard... where it outshines the rears of all the Army of Gondor...
Denethor: OKAY about the extra fine, granite bum of my son already! Sheesh, like I don't know that he got the wife's bum... and that my saggy sitter is all wrinkled and flat...
Gandalf: Well, something had to distract his soldiers from hauling their lesser behinds in a panicked rampage across the Pelennor, trampling all in sight to get away from a foe too great. For one has come that I feared.
Pippin: Whoo... the Dark Lord? Mister Eyeball himself... NO WAY!
(Meri and Idril)
Denethor: [laughing bitterly] No, not yet Master Peregrin. Mister Eyeball won't pay us a visit unless he is here to gloat and taunt us when he has won. He uses others as his weapons and sits in his tower safe, much like I do. It goes with the territory of being a sinister ruler. For do you really think that I'm too old and dried up to wield a brand?
(Idril)
Pippin: A what?
Denethor: A sword, you impertinent chit! [He stands and throws back his cloak, revealing mail and a great sword underneath] I wear my armor and sword 24/7! I will not grow soft and weak!
Pippin: You mean you sleep with it on too?
Denethor: Yes of course!
Pippin: Well there's your problem right there! You're not getting enough naked time. If I don't get my naked time every day I start getting all eccentric too. And if you want my advice I'd lay off looking in that seeing stone. Those things will *#$* with your head.
[Denethor stares at Pippin]
Pippin: Just a suggestion, sheesh!
Gandalf: AS I was saying. It is the Witch King of Angmar who has taken your walls.
Denethor: I knew that already. Did you come scooting back here to tell me old news, or to hide under my bed?
Gandalf: I don't think there's room for both of us under your bed, Lord Denethor... to be frank the Wiki is a better conversationalist. But so far he's the one hiding behind his host. I came to guard the injured and to grab a few bottles of Gatoraide. The sun's not out but it's just icky and stuffy out there! I was also thinking that a sortie might be in order.
Denethor: Yes, I have been considering a sortie myself.
Pippin: There's eight million enemy troops bearing down on us and you're thinking about throwing a party? Have you both lost your minds?
[Gandalf and Denethor stare at Pippin]
Pippin: What?
Gandalf: Sortie! Not soiree!
Pippin: (blushes) Uhhh... never mind! My bad!
Gandalf: ANYWAY, Lord Denethor, I'm sure you knew already that the sortie should be of mounted troops. The enemy has a $*&%load of fell creatures, but few horses.
Denethor: We don't have that many ourselves... where are the Rohirrim?
Gandalf: You mean you don't know?
Denethor: Grrr...
Gandalf: Well I'm sure you did already know that Cair Andros has fallen. We'll see fugitives from there before we see any Rohirrim.
Denethor: Yes of course! I knew that since yesterday!
Gandalf: Well it's good to know you're on top of things here. (mutters) Next time you get your news report tell the Dark Lord I said "Hi!".
Pippin: <snork>
Denethor: What?
Gandalf: Nothing, nothing!
(BunnieBugs)
Odd Narrator: After some time, those watching on the walls could see the retreating companies. They came straggling in, some seeming tired or wounded, some running madly. And then there were those for whom the rout was so humiliating that they had obviously already hit the ale pretty hard, and they came stumbling in, laughing drunkenly and singing bawdy pub songs.
In the East, fires burned. Houses, barns and outhouses had been set alight, and lines of torches were flowing toward the road that led from the City Gate to Osgiliath.
Watcher 1: The enemy is coming through the dike's breaches!
Watcher 2: (incensed) Excuse me? This war is rated PG!
Watcher 1: What? I'm just pointing out the breaches on the dike...
Watcher 2: Ah-ah-ah-ah! This is no place for that kind of talk, young man!
Watcher 1: Oh, for pete's sake! It's in the book, see? (holds up book)
Watcher 2: (stares at the text) Oh... Heh, heh. Breaches with an 'a.' Dike with an 'i.' Well, then. Carry on. How embarrassing...
Watcher 1: Ahem. Yes. Anyway... Look, they're burning everything! Alas, even the outhouses! The heartless fiends!
Odd Narrator: Evening approached, and even far-sighted men could see little on the fields below...
Far-sighted Man: What is that there? I can hardly see anything but the fires.
Near-sighted Man: You're asking me? I can't even see the pot to pee in sometimes.
Far-sighted Man: Look! A company of men approaches, marching together!
Near-sighted Man: (squints) No way! You're seeing things.
Far-sighted Man: (grabs Near-sighted Man's head and points toward the company) There, you idiot! Faramir must be with them. Only his granite-hard buttocks could hold men in thrall like that!
Near-sighted Man: I'll have to take your word for it... I can't ever get close enough to his fanny to get a good look. (sigh)
(Idril)
Far-sighted Man: His what?
Near-sighted Man: Are you deaf too? His fanny! F-A-N-N-Y!
Far-sighted Man: OH! You mean his ass! Gotcha!
(Silarien)
Sporty Narrator: Okay, we can see some action now. Here come the rearguard charging down the field in an unusual formation. Ah, they'd better hurry. The orcs are turning their flame-throwers up to Full. Interesting match, sort of a mixture of Footy and Quake.
Southron Men: We're gonna win, we're gonna win, Ee Aye Addio, the Reds are gonna win.
Nazgul: SHREEEEEEEEEK!
Sporty Narrator: Oh dear. That did it. Our guys have really lost the plot. Now might be a good time for Denethor to release the sortie.
[Pause]
Sporty Narrator: Ahem, I said NOW might be a good time to release the sortie.
Denethor: I'll choose my own moment, if you don't mind, serf [Slaps trumpeter on back of head]
Trumpeter: TOOOOOOOT
Sporty Narrator: From out of the gate charged the Blues... I mean, the remaining knights.
Blues:
Oh when the Blues go marching in
Go marching in
Oh when the Blues go marching in
I want to be in that number
When the Blues go marching in
Crowd on the walls: COME ON YOU BLU-ES!
Sporty Narrator: With Shadowfax's fancy footwork, Gandalf overtook them all. Shining brilliantly on the field. Where's my shades? Thanks, that's better.
Nazgul: ERK! [reverse gear]
Sporty Narrator: HA! Now the tide's turned. The Blues have got all the better moves. The score was 500 to 70 down but now it's 501 to 250... 501 to 310... 501 to 480.
Trumpeter: TOOOOOOT, TIME
Sporty Narrator: YOU CAN'T STOP IT THERE! What about injury time? There must be lots of that. This is so unfair. WE WOZ ROBBED!!!
Odd Narrator: I think it's time you took a shower. I'll take over.
The cavalry returned to the city. A third of Faramir's men were lost. Let me see, that's 7/3=????. Oh, never mind. Where IS Faramir?
That's not him hanging lifelessly in the prince's arms, is it? WAAAAAAAH!
Imrahil carried Faramir [sob] up to the tower.
Imrahil: Your son was very brave, Denethor, but he's, erm, a bit poorly. Got pierced by a Nazgul dart.
Denethor: [GLARE]
Odd Narrator: Denethor instructed that Faramir [sob] be laid on a bed in the chamber. He then slammed the door and stomped up to a secret room at the top of the tower.
Tower: [flash, gleam, flash] Wheeee, I'm a lighthouse.
Odd Narrator: Later, when he came back to sit with Faramir [sob] Denethor had a face like a decaying corpse. Meanwhile, back at the gate...
Ingold: [scooting in with his men just as the gate was closing] Forget about Rohan; you should see what's coming over the river. There's squillions of big, ugly orcs, and an equal number of short, fat lumberjacks. The Rohirrim haven't a chance of getting through.
(PippintheElf2097)
Lumberjacks: We're some lumberjacks and we're okay, we work all night and we work all day...
Orcs: Stop singing that!
Lumberjacks: (pout)
(Idril)
Odd Narrator:The Gate was shut, double locked, with the chain on and a rather large chair pushed up against the doorknob. The Minas Tirith... Tirithians? Gondorians? Anyway, the men of the City took a deep breath and hoped like heck they'd survive the siege. Throughout that long night the security guards heard all kinds of ruckus: yelling, gunshots, raucous music, loud motorcycle engines and squealing tires. They called the police on these new noisy neighbors, but the dispatcher muttered something about jurisdiction and hung up on them.
As dawn came their worst fears were confirmed. The new neighbors were absolutely horrible... and the homeowners moaned at the thought of their plummeting property values. There were rusty old trailers, RV's and old school buses parked everywhere. The enemy army had begun digging trenches right away, right through the brand new sprinkler systems and the centipede that had just been re-sodded last spring. And into the trenches went all manner of trash which they set alight. The stench was awful.
Behind these trenches they towed in a large assortment of rusty cars, which were soon set up on blocks. Then, to the teeth-rattling racket of power tools, the enemy began to scavenge the cars to make siege engines. The men of Gondor then wondered at the wisdom of their strict housing association rules, for now they had no siege engines of their own, and could not hinder the enemy's work.
Many laughed and worried little, for the walls of Minas Tirith were protected with the latest technology in stain-resistant vinyl siding.
Optimistic Men of Minas Tirith: None will take our city, as long as any of us live to defend it!
Pessimistic Men of Minas Tirith: Does the word "Waco" ring a bell?
Odd Narrator: And sure enough, the enemy wasted no shot on the vinyl siding that lined the walls of the city. As soon as the siege engines had been welded together they began slinging shot marvelously high and over the city walls. Much of it landed in the First Circle and burst into flame. The MTVFD soon had it's hands full with multiple three- and four-alarm calls.
(Lilly and Idril)
And among the greater casts there fell another sort of shot, less ruinous but far more horrible. They were small and furry, with big brown eyes, beaky mouths and creepy bat-like ears. If anyone approached one of these furry plastic creatures, it would come to life and begin babbling in a bizarre and unholy language. "May-may!" "May-lah!" "Wee-Tee!" "Loo-Loo!" the monstrous beings cried in their screechy little voices, until the citizens began tearing at their ears in horror.
Gandalf: Alas, I feared this would happen. The Enemy is using Furbys against us. Do not listen to the Furbish for it has been known to drive men mad.
(Idril)
Odd Narrator: The enemy also shot over all the heads of the men that died defending Osgiliath and the Rammas, but these did not have quite the desired effect on the citizens. The heads looked very artificial; unrecognizable and almost doll-like, having all been given makeovers by the Nazgirls. The only real hazard was that their hair was sprayed quite stiff and could cause a nasty cut if not properly handled.
Many of the housing association members stood upon the walls and yelled at the enemy army, but none paid them any heed. Their defiance was admirable but short lived. The sight of so many rules violations finally made them lose heart, and before long they came down from the walls and cast away their newsletters in despair.
Miscellaneous Nazgul: (flying out of bowshot) SCREEECH!
Citizens: [shudder]
Dog Breath Nazgul: (also flying out of bowshot) SHRIEK!!
Citizens: [recoil]
Geeky Nazgul: SHREK!
Citizens: AAAUUGHH!
Geeky Nazgul: <snork> Cool! Hey guys, look! Ahem... THE EMPEROR'S NEW GROOVE!
Citizens: AAAUGHH!!!
Nazgul: <snork>
Nazgul #8: THE HUNCHBACK OF NOTRE DAME!
Citizens: Nooo!!!! Too Cruel!!!
Nazgul #9: Okay, let me try: BEAUTY AND THE BEAST!
Citizens: AAAUU??? (pause) Actually we liked that one!
Nazgul #9: Darn!
(Silarien)
Faramir: [In a fever - It's dark in here. Where's the lightswitch. Lightswitch? What's a lightswitch?]
Onlooker: I think he's a gonner.
[outside]
Man on wall: Have you heard? Faramir's dying. Better get my best suit dusted off.
Woman in street: [WAIL] The Butt of Granite is crumbling. Who will we lust after now?
Older woman: Well the Prince of the Halflings is quite grab-worthy; if you don't mind stretching a bit. [sigh] My rheumatics are getting to me, so I'll just have to settle for my flabby hubby.
[inside]
Denethor: [STARE]
Faramir: [Still in a fever - I feel eyes burning into me. I'm burning. I'm a little candle... No, that's not right. I'm a little teapot, short and stout... ]
Denethor's face: [Creak, crack, wrinkle, sag, wrinkle, droop]
Denethor's tear: Argh, roller coaster ride, wheee, erk, eek, feelin' sick, nooo - big drop... splat!
Pippin: Oh please don't cry, Lord. He's only a bit dead. Maybe Gandalf can help.
Denethor: [sniffle] PAH! The guy who gift-wrapped our only chance, stuck a ribbon on top, and sent it special delivery to the Enemy? Yeah, right!
Oh why did I force my son into peril, and without my blessings?
Actually, I've been reading up on psychology. I think it's because my father gave me such a hard time, as did his father before him. Boromir and Faramir would have probably been right SOBs to their sons. Anyway, it doesn't matter now. We're doomed. The Line of Bad Dads is ending. Nasty, common people will rule the remnants, playing Bingo and lurking in Pool Halls.
Men at the door: Come down, Denethor. Your people need you.
Denethor: Bog off. I'm busy wallowing in self-pity. You can all go follow the yellow brick road. I'm staying put.
(PippintheElf2097)
Messengers: Denethor, um, sir, your city is burning. Everyone is flying, not everyone is following that Gandalf chap.
Denethor: They're flying? Why?
Messengers: We just told you.
Denethor: Well they'll all burn anyway. No tomb for us!
Messengers: But neither of you is dead yet!
Denethor: We'll all burn. GO back and burn
Messengers: (flee flee flee)
Denethor: (Turning to Pippin) Farewell. You are short, and your service has also been short. I release you from my service. You can go die now.
Pippin: (mutter) Sounds like a great deal. (end mutter) I do not want to say farewell (kneels before Denethor) But I would take your leave so I can go see Gandalf... (to self) If I have to die I would dearly like to see that pointy-hat trick once more.
(Idril)
Odd Narrator: Thus the Wizard formerly known as "the Grey" took command of the city. He constantly wound his way through the streets seeing to the city's defenses. With him walked the proud Prince Imrahil and an entourage of PR folk.
Wherever he strode hearts would lift and the people of the city would cheer and sing, but when he passed they would resume their normal gloomy demeanor. Thus a ripple of cheer passed through the city, North to South and back again along the wall, and up and down from the Gate to the Citadel.
Pippin: Is that's what they call "the wave"?
Odd Narrator: Precisely.
Prince Imrahil: You forgot to say how lordly and elvish me and my knights are.
Odd Narrator: Hrmpph. We don't need lordly and elvish, we need somebody to go put out those fires on the first level.
Prince Imrahil: I'm a warrior, not a firefighter. Besides, Gandalf should put those out. Most are due to a bad batch of his fireworks.
Gandalf: So sue me! I was only trying to spread a little cheer!
Pippin: And you call me a menace?
Odd Narrator: Shush! Here comes the enemy's army.
Enemy's Army: trudge trudge trudge.
Archers of Gondor: piffity piff... piffity piffity piff.
Pippin: Yea! 5 down, 44,995 to go! (to himself) We're dead. Oh look... they have siege towers... isn't that special!?
(merithehobbit)
Odd Narrator: As Pippin turned to leave Denethor and find Gandalf he was hailed again by Denethor.
Denethor: Uh, your lowly shrimpness, do me a favor before you take off and call my other servants. [turns to look at Faramir] He always did get that flushed look when he had a fever... now his is more than flushed, he is sunburned... [sob]
Pippin: [walks out the door and looks around] Oh, there you are, hey, trembling servants, your boss wants you, and he is in one of his moods! If you ask me you might consider grabbing a straightjacket... or at least some rope... I have it on good authority that it may come in handy later.
Trembling Servant #1: [trembling] Waaa! What? We actually are being summoned?
Trembling Servant #2: [trembling] What does he want? Did he say?
Trembling Servant #3: [trembling] I hope he doesn't yell at me again... [whimper]
Trembling Servant #4: [trembling] Sheesh, I think I had too much coffee. Look at my hands, they're trembling!
Pippin: Oh, you're fine, mine are trembling too because of the diet pills they have me on.
Odd Narrator: The talkative Trembling Servants 1 through 4 were joined by the Sworn to Silence Trembling Servants 6 and 7 and the whole trembling crew entered Denethor's chamber, well trembling with fear.
Denethor: [softly] I know I have made the lot of you very nervous, but you can stop shaking. I just need you to grab some warm blankies for Faramir... find that one Boromir loved with the duckies on it... they always fought over it. [sob] Then, I need your help to carry this bed, because apparently the set folks decided as we live in a city of stone, our beds are stone too, it is WAY too heavy for me to carry with my shriveled, weak, and ancient spidery like frame.
Odd Narrator: The Trembling Servants did their best to stop trembling so they wouldn't disturb the fevered slumber of the Hottie Faramir. Denethor grabbed his staff and hobbled after the straining servants who bore Faramir out of the White Tower. Pippin, his curiosity piqued now, followed in a dumb silence. It looked like a funeral march, but kind of like that commercial where the pall bearer is about to drop the body...
Denethor: Whoa now, uh, why don't you stop here under the Withered Tree to catch a breather, well, if you don't have problems with pollution that is. Dang Power Plants of Mordor.
Odd Narrator: All was silent, well, except for the crying, burning, screaming, and general panic down below. Fortunately it was more of a dull far away sound up high on the upper levels of the city so they could still here sounds of water dripping sadly from the dead tree... [sniff] Oh that is just a sad picture... Poor Faramir... [sob]
Denethor: Okay, nuff rest for you. Pick him up and lets head to the Citadel gate.
Odd Narrator: As they did so, the sentinel stared with wonder and dismay, for he hadn't seen anyone come this way in quite a while, but he tried really hard to act dignified after seeing Denethor. Pretty soon they wound around to the rearward wall of the Sixth Circle and Denethor snuck up behind the Porter and...
Denethor: BOO! [snicker]
Porter: OH! You scared me to DEATH... what are you doing coming up to the Cemetery and scaring me like that?
Denethor: Just open the door, I'm a lunatic and really would like to hang out with the Dead on Silent Street.
Pippin: Uh, shouldn't there be some scary music about now.
Odd Narrator: Oh yea... cue scary music.
Scary Music: [whoo creepy, spine chillers... ]
Odd Narrator: Well that isn't exactly what we had in mind, but I guess we'll fix that later... The procession walked, slowly, down, down, down... ROCK LOBSTER!
Denethor: [GLARE]
Odd Narrator: Sorry. Finally they got to Silent Street and being exhausted plopped the heavy burden on an empty table.
Servant #1: Man, my arms!
Servant #2: Shall I get the Embalmers up here?
Denethor: No! Don't you dare! I want FIRE! FIRE! FIRE! You go and get some wood, the dry stuff from 2 years ago that's in the shed... and when I say, we'll let him BURN! [MUAAHAHAAA!]
Pippin: HOLY CARROTCAKE! By your leave my lord! I'll be back to see the fire, just gotta pee! You know, all this diet stuff, whoo, really the diuretics just pullin' a number on me... [runs away a bit, stopping by some of the servants] Okay you servants... I don't know if you've noticed, being as that you all couldn't pass a GED together and all... but listen up. You're master is a few slices of bread shy of a loaf...
Servant #3: Huh?
Pippin: Missing a few marbles?
Servant #4: Marbles?
Pippin: A few flowers short of a bouquet?
Servant #2: Flowers?
Pippin: The Elevator stops a few floors from the top?
Servant #1: What's an elevator?
Pippin: Okay, he's a raving lunatic... what ever you do GO SLOW don't burn Faramir... he's already too hot, and Gandalf really wanted to see this part... You don't want to see Faramir's butt depart this realm just yet do you... just WAIT! I'll be right back. [flees in terror flying out the door]
Servant #1: I don't think that Halfling is all with us.
Other Servants: Mumbling agreements.
Odd Narrator: As Pippin zipped past the astonished Porter who had never seen such speed out of one so small, and was about to hit the sound barrier when a sentinel hailed him as he went by, and though his voice was altered by the velocity of Pippin's descent he recognized the voice as that of Beregond.
Pippin: EEEEEEEERRRRRRRTTTTTT! [stops in his tracks, leaving skid marks behind him]
Beregond: In a hurry?
Pippin: [pant, breathe] Gotta go find Mithrandir... [pant]
Beregond: Well, sorry for interrupting important business, but what the heck is going on... I was doing some light reading in the outhouse and all of a sudden the first circle's on fire, no one is in the Lord's chambers... where'd they go?
Pippin: Okay, but you have to listen quicklike, Denethor is off his rocker and has gone to the Silent Street with Faramir.
Beregond: [bows head] [tears fill his eyes] So Faramir has died?
Pippin: NO! That's just it... Denethor is a psycho and wants to burn him up, even though he may not die... he just has a little fever... but I have to go get Gandalf so we can prevent this homicide.
Beregond: Well, you'll have to go down to the battle... put that beanie on...
Pippin: I know, [puts hat on] The beanie actually looks pretty good when I am running really fast... I have leave to go, but please Beregond... if you can, go stop this dreadful thing from happening, I can't do very much up there, as I am small, but I make a dang good errand boy, so go up and stop this.
Beregond: I can't, I am Union, that's not in my contract.
Pippin: Oh brother! Well, you can choose between following your Union contract or saving Faramir the Hottie... but if you actually do what you should, ignoring silly rules and such, beware that Denethor is major whacked out... I think he's on something... earlier he was having a psychedelic moment in the tower, and ever since, well, lets just say the Ents were normal in comparison.
Odd Narrator: And with that Pippin took off running again, the beanie propeller flying and whizzing along as he ran down, down, down, down, [looks up with a smirk]
Pippin: ROCK LOBSTER!
Odd Narrator: [snicker] As he ran down, men came flying up, fleeing the burning and generally chickening out of the battle... some calling to him "Hey Shortie, don't go down there..." and that kind of thing but he kept going until he got to the Second gate. There it was silent, except for the crackling of fire leaping up between the walls of the city... but suddenly there was a dreadful cry and a shock and a deep echoing boom. This was really quite scary, and Pippin had to really work hard to get up the gumption to turn the corner where he stopped dead in his tracks. He had found Gandalf, but he shrank back... cowering...
Odd Narrator: Ever since the middle night the vast orcish army had thrown itself at the stone walls. Carnies, lead the great Mumakil as the huge beasts dragged great ferris wheels and bungee towers into position near the city. Orcs streamed up the wheels and shot swarms of darts into the First Level. The men upon the walls killed many, but the enemy's cruel Captain cared not. It was the great Gate that would bear the brunt of his malice. Though crafted of iron and steel, it was the weakest point in the city's defense. Imagine that! Pippin was right!
Drums: THRUM THRUM THRUM
Witch King: AHEM!
Sound Guy: Oh sorry! [turns up bass]
Drums: THRUM THRUM THRUM
Witch King: Okay, you're at a six now, we need you to be at about an eight, 'kay?
Sound Guy: Eight. Gotcha. [turns up bass]
(BunnieBugs)
Sound Guy: You know, I could give you more... it goes to eleven!
Witch King: Uh... no, eight will do nicely, thanks.
Sound Guy: All right. But you don't know what you're missing.
(Idril)
Drums: THRUM THRUM THRUM
Witch King: Perfect! Bring on the Ram!
Ram: Bleat!!
Witch King: NOT THAT RAM! [SMACK]
[The ram and his handler go flying]
Grond Captain: Grond Team ready to roll SIR!
Witch King: That's better.
Odd Narrator: The gigantic ram Grond was hauled forth, swinging on its huge chains. Long had it been designed by the twisted ad men of Mordor, and it's hideous head, forged of black steel, had been formed into the shape of a horrible smiling cartoon rat.
Grond: I'm not a rat, I'm a mouse!!
Odd Narrator: [Shudder] Ugh! Great beasts drug it forward, orcs surrounded it, and Nazgirls crawled over it to pose for pictures. Dead orcs were cleared from its path by a team of small bulldozers, and trolls walked behind to man it... or to troll it? In any case it was drawn forth to the gate as the sound of the drums heightened the tension.
Drums: THRUM THRUM THRUM
Prince Imladris: Piffity piffity piff!
Orcs: Ahh! [bleed bleed die]
Knights of Dol Amroth: Piffity piffity piff piff piff!
Orcs: Ahh! [bleed bleed die]
Bulldozers: GROND GROND
Grond: What?
Bulldozers: Nothing! We're just clearing away the dead bodies.
Grond: Well make another sound! That's annoying!
Bulldozers: BRRRUMM BRRRUMM
Drums: THRUM THRUM THRUM
Men of Gondor: Piff piffity piff piffity piffity piff!
Orcs: Ahh! [bleed bleed die]
Drums: THRUM THRUM THRUM
Great Beasts: SNORT! TRUMPET! RAMPAGE!!
Orcs: Ahh! [bleed bleed die]
Grond: Hello!! How am I supposed to prepare for my big moment with all this noise?!?!
[Witch King rides forth, draws his sword]
[SILENCE]
Grond: Thank you! Okie... a little mantra here... Ommm Mmmaaaa Haaaa... Ommm Mmmaaaa Haaaa. A few deep breaths... And, I'm ready!
Drums: THRUM THRUM THRUM
Witch King: Shrriieeek!
Grond: SMASH!!
The Great Gate: Damn! I wish I had a portcullis!
Witch King: Shrriieeek!
Grond: SMASH!!
The Great Gate: OW! That's gonna leave a mark!
Witch King: Shrriieeek!
Grond: SMASH!!
Weird Lightning: CRASH!!
The Great Gate: AHHH!!! Shatter!!
Pippin: Yikes! That's not good!
(Russ)
[Scene: The Gate of Minas Tirith. The gate has been destroyed and crashes to the ground in a cloud of smoke and debris. All is silent for a moment, the the Lord of The Nazgul appears out of the dust cloud]
Army of Minas Tirith: FEET, DO YO DUTY!
[exit Army, Gandalf alone remains, sitting atop Shadowfax]
Shadowfax v.o.: Man, humans are such wussies!
Nazgul: Ahem.
Gandalf: Knit one, pearl two. Knit one, pearl two...
Nazgul: Ahem!
Gandalf: ... Knit one, pearl two, knit one...
Nazgul: I said, AHEM!
Gandalf: Keep your shorts on junior, I'm busy. Now, where was I, oh yeah, pearl two, knit one pearl two annnnnnnnd, Finished! (bites yarn off with his teeth, holds up a ridiculous looking pair of long johns) Whaddy think big fellah?
Nazgul: Well I...
Gandalf: Hey, did I say I was talking to you? Just sit tight and I'll be with you in a minute. (to Shadowfax) So, how do they look?
Nazgul: (gets a little smaller)
Shadowfax: (skeptical horse look, shakes head)
Gandalf: No, I suppose you're right. Not bad for a first timer though right?
Shadowfax v.o.: Just don't give up your day job.
Gandalf: (turns to Nazgul)
Nazgul: Helloooo Gandalf!
Gandalf: Helloooo NNNazgul!
Nazgul: Nice outfit.
Gandalf: Bandy not your idle, um... bandying, with me! You Cannot enter here! Go back to your parking lot carnivals and backwater county fairs that await you and your master! now g'wan you, GIT!
Nazgul: (throws back his hood and reveals a shining crown and two red glowing eyes where a head should be)
Nazgul: HA-HA-HA-HA-HA! Bet your scared now!
Gandalf: (pause) That's it? Red glowing eyes and a crown? Please tell me that his is not all you have.
Nazgul: Well, I have my diabolical laughter. BOOOOWWWAAAHA-HA-HA-HA-HAAAAA!!!!
Shadowfax: (rolls eyes)
Gandalf: Sorry, but no.
Nazgul: My demonic shriek?
Gandalf: Been there, done that. Is that it?
Nazgul: Well... aw screw it, (draws sword), I'm just gonna cut your ... oh for cryin'... anybody got a match?
Gandalf: Here, use this.
(Touched staff to the end of the Nazguls blade. Flames ran down the length of the sword)
Gandalf: You were saying? (yawn).
Nazgul: Let's see, where was I, oh yeah, Old fool! This is my hou-
Rooster: COCK-A-DOODLE-DOO!
Nazgul: Wha?
Bazillion horns: ROOTY-TOOT-TOOTY-TOOT-TOOT!
Gandalf: (smirk)
Odd Narrator: HORNS! HORN! HORNS! Echoing throughout the city and across the fields! And in the distance, amidst the din of the bellowing horns, could be heard...
Theoden v.o.: HI-YO EORLINGAS! AWAY!!!
Odd Narrator: Rohan had come at last!
Pippin: (Titter!)
Odd narrator: What?
Pippin: He said "cock".