(BadWargMama)
The Mustard of Rohan
You've probably heard the Rohirrim do love
Their horses more than anything hold dear,
But there is news from Harrowdale above,
With ale and bread it gives their hearts more cheer.
'What can it be?' you ask before you faint.
Tis' mustard gold upon their dogs they eat.
Other folk blanch and find the habit quaint,
But nothing tastes so lovely on their meat.
So take the horse and take the spear and shield.
Mustard of Rohan flows upon the field.
(BunnieBugs)
Odd Narrator: Now all roads led to the East, where war was brewing and the Shadow loomed. And even as Pippin eyed the pee-bush near the Great Gate of the City, realizing he'd had an awful lot to drink at luncheon, the King of Rohan was coming down out of the hills.
Merry: Um, would this be a good time for a rest stop? Suddenly I feel the need to take a pee...
Theoden: Hold on fer just a little longer, little feller! We're almost to where we was fixin' ta go.
Merry: (sigh)
Pippin: (sigh) Better wait 'till the parade is over, at least...
Odd Narrator: The day was drawing to an end, and the king now rode slowly. The path curved around a huge bare shoulder of rock and plunged into the cleavage... sorry, I mean the gloom of the trees. Down, down they went into the gorge... is it getting hot in here, or is it just me? Um... and evening had fallen in the ... deep places. Whew! A/C, somebody! All day they had followed a stream that ran far below them, cleaving its way between the up-thrust... Dang! I've been on this gig WAY too long... Uh, suddenly Harrowdale lay before them, and to the right at the head of the dale the mighty Starkhorn loomed up... above its vast buttresses... Okay, that's it! I can't take it anymore... I need a break. [walks away, fanning face with script.]
Merry: (gazing in wonder) Man, this place is freakin' huge! And closed in... kinda claustrophobic in a startlingly large sort of way... mommy...
Temp Agency Narrator: I thought I was gonna answer phones! What? Oh... all right. (grumble, grumble) Merry was very tired after nearly three days with very little rest. Sometimes he rode at the king's side and they talked, unaware of the derisive snickers of the Riders behind them, who were sure that the little upstart was trying to ingratiate himself to the old man in hopes of being added to the list of heirs. But today Merry rode alone, listening to the language that he didn't understand, and yet sounded so familiar...
Rider 1: Taht elttil prewt. S'eh tog emos evren!
Rider 2: Draeh taht! S'tel tup srednamalas ni sih deb thginot.
Rider 1: M'i ereht!
Temp Agency Narrator: Once in awhile, one of the Riders would lift his voice in song, and Merry's heart would soar, though he could not understand the meaning.
Rider 5: ytenin-enin selttob fo reeb no eht llaw, ytenin-enin selttob fo reeb, uoy ekat eno nwod, dna ssap ti dnuora...
Merry: (sigh) I am so lonely! Pippin, where have you got to by now? And do you need to take a leak as bad as I do? I miss those good times together. And what of Aragorn on the
Dramatic Music: DUN DUN DUN
Merry: Oh, shut up, already! Geez, I thought I wore that thing out.
Stybba: Um... Neigh?
Merry: Don't even start! And Legolas and Gimli... I wonder how they're faring. And, let's see, who else... Hmmm... (counts on fingers) Pip, Aragorn, Legolas, Gimli, Gandalf, me. Now who am I leaving out? Well, there's Boromir, but he bit the big one, so that's not it... I just know I've forgotten someone. Maybe it'll come to me later. Man, I sure could use a bath... a bath... Cripes! Frodo and Sam! I can't believe I forgot them! Oh, poor sods! D'you suppose they're even still alive? Wow. No baths in Mordor, I'll wager. (shudder)
(aneya26)
Eomer: Well, wer pertin ner ther! [Hawwkk. Piitwooee]
Merry: Umm... Theoden, sir. Can I please go pee now?
Theoden: Nope, little crumb muncher. This here paths a fallin'.
Paths: [steeply falling] Ooh, owww, uuurggh, ooffpp, tumble, ACK, crash, boom, smack
D'oh! I think I've broken somethin'.
Theoden: Like Eomer sez, wer pertin ner ther. [piitwwooee]
Merry: But miles to go before we sleep, eh?
Theoden: Yessiree! We'z gots to go pick us up some Marks.
Merry: Why only guys named Mark?
Theoden: Coz, we'd loose 'em all if they'z named Will.
Merry: [puzzled look]
Theoden: Ya know the phrase "fire at Will", right?
Drummer on Horseback: Ba dah, dah, ching!
Merry: [rolls eyes]
(Silarien)
Odd Narrator's Understudy: As darkness fell, the path led the quiet group to a deserted Buick ...
Odd Narrator: Pssst ... whisperwhisperwhisper
Odd Narrator's Understudy: As darkness fell, the path led the quiet group to a ford which looked deserted.
Hidden Guards: [suddenly leaping out from behind rock] BOO!Ha, that made 'em jump.
Guard with horn: YAY, let's raise some ruckas. TOOOOOOOOOOOOT
Horns in hills: TOOOOOT TOOOOOOOOT TOOOOOOOT TOOOOOT
Trumpet1: Those horns are really annoying. Come on lads, let's show them what proper instruments can do!
Trumpets: COME TO THE COOKHOUSE DOOR, BOYS. COME TO THE COOKHOUSE DOOR
Bugle: Actually, I think you'll find that's my line. Try some Baroque Trumpet Concertos or a Volunatry.
Trumpet1: Grumblegrumble ... I said we needed to know more than three notes.
(Idril)
Eomer: Here's Harrowdale! We'll be home afore dark.
Theoden: Yep, I'd druther not be out after dark. I'm tuckered... and we'll have to git over to Edoras tomorrow for the barbecue.
Eomer: And I wish you'd git back over here after tomorrow. It ain't fittin' you riskin' yore skin in Mundburg.
Theoden: Hell, boy! Yore startin' to sound like ol' Wormtongue. It ain't fittin for a father to put his son in the ground and I did that! I ain't gonna sit on my porch and wait for the rest of my folks to come home on a hearse. I ain't sittin and waitin' for the Shadder <spit> to come a'callin' neither.
I just wisht it weren't so damned FER. Atter all this ridin' I feel like I been scrubbed on a warsh board and run through a wringer. Ah! Here's some'a the boys now.
Boys... Err Rohirrim: Theoden King! Theoden King! Waheeey!
Eomer: Sheeeeoot! I plumb forgot to brang Eowyn one of them orc-heads. She's gonna skin me alive.
Rohirrim: Weheeey fer Theoden King! He showed that Wizard what for!
Trumpets: [BLARE]
Theoden: Whur'd all these boys come from? I thought I told y'all we's meetin' in Edoras.
Dunhere: Gandalf came barrellin' into Edoras a couple three days ago and told us about yer victery. While he was there one of them flyin' Shadders swooped over, and he said we might not oughter gether up out in the open.
Theoden: Yep, we saw one of them flyin' Shadders too. Good idear to move the barbecue up thisaway.
Dunhere: Them Shadders scared the soup outta ever'body.
Theoden: I recken so. They's chips off the old block.
(Russ)
Odd Narrator: And so Theoden, Lord of The Mark rode on toward the Hold of Dunharrow. Through the narrowing valley they rode, past the autograph seekers and groupies that thronged the road. It was a ga... um, joyful sight, yet behind the crowded roadside, Tents, booths and pavillions could be seen with marvelous banners proclaiming "3 throws for a dollar" and "See the Amazing Bearded Lady!". And even as they passed, all was falling into shadow and though the Flying Karamozov Brothers were entertaining the troops with their devil-may-care aerial acrobatics, no lantern was lit nor horn sounded, nor fire burning and all about the encampment heavily armed and disguised Papparazzi paced to and fro.
Merry looked over the scene and wondered how many men there were. "Lots I'll bet" he said to himself, and he was right! Slowly the Kings party drew away from the spectacle and to Merry's amazement the road turned and climbed steeply upward. No longer a beaten path, the road became a smooth, unbroken lane of black asphalt, snaking it's way steeply up the sheer slope of rock. Up that way horses could walk, and something called a "wain", I think that is another word for cart or wagon, oh well, whatever it is, they could be hauled up the road, but only slowly and with difficulty. Because it was steep. Realllllly steep. Did I say it was steep? Well it was, steep that is. And at every turn there were, partially buried in the ground, carvings of creatures of various types, lizards and Great birds of prey and other creatures wholly unfamiliar to Merry who was amazed by the mysterious figures. Who built them and for what purpose was now no longer known. Only that they were from the Dark years before the ships of the Numenoreans came. The Pokie-mon the riders called them and they scarcely glanced at the carvings or paid them any heed, for they were silly. But Merry looked upon them with amazement and began to think of trading card schemes by which he could scam small children out of their allowance.Soon Merry began to make out the shapes of tents and pavilions along the road before them. From them a rider came out to meet them and they turned from the road.
Eowyn: Hot Damn! Daddy's back!
(Silarien)
Odd Narrator: Merry saw that the rider was a blonde girl, but carrying a sword, wearing a helm, and dressed to the waist like a warrior. Below this, she wore a pink tutu, black fish-net stockings and a pair of white, stiletto shoes with little pink bows on the pointy bits.
Merry: [thinks, deep breaths, deep breaths]
Eowyn: Hail. Lord of the Mark.
Theoden: No, it's just a little light rain.
Eowyn: Hardy ha. So, you've finally come back.
Theoden: Yes, my dear, and how are you?
Eowyn: FINE! I'm just FINE and DANDEE, thank you. We all had to pack up our belongings and haul them for miles, up hills, along falling paths, up more r*ddy steep hills. And, in addition, as a special bonus, I also get to carry the can.
"Eowyn, why the f*** have we had to upsticks and leave our nice little houses?", "Eowyn, you think taking six damn kids on a route march is fun. Here you have 'em."
I could've smacked that one in the gob, and skewered her whining brats, but I didn't.
Oh, and I've laddered six pairs of tights, broken three pairs of stilettos, and five of my friggin' nails.
THEN, I had to oversee the camp. I'd have more luck fighting the Nazgul than organising this rabble.
Aw, don't look so worried. When I heard you were coming, I personally pitched a tent for you. You can't miss it. It's the only one still standing.
Eomer: So Aragorn got here then?
Eowyn: Yesss.
Eomer: I take it from your outfit, sis, that he's still here.
Eowyn: Well, bro, you take it wrong. He's gone.
Eomer: Where he go?
Eowyn: Search me. He came charging in at night then didn't even stop for breakfast. Gone, gone, gone, gone, GONE.
Theoden: You sound a tad p*ss*d, daughter. What happened?
Eowyn: What happened? NOTHING! ABSOLUTELY FRIGGIN' NOTHING!
Theoden: Did he speak of the road ...
Dramatic Music: DUN DUN DUN
Theoden: ... of the Paths of the Dead?
Horses: [total silence - watching Eowyn slowly screwing Dramatic Music into a tiny little ball]
Eowyn: [sob] I couldn't punch him hard enough to knock any sense into him.
Eomer: Then he is lost ...
Eowyn's cherry: [and I am not]
Eomer: ... and hope dwindles.
Eowyn's cherry: [it does indeed]
(Idril)
Odd Narrator: At last they came to the king's pavilion, and Merry found a small tent there that was just his size.
Merry: Wow, for me?
Theoden: Errrmmmm...
Odd Narrator: Although it was sparsely furnished, with only an oddly shaped chair with a bucket underneath, but no bed. However it was decorated with a lovely moon on the tent-flap and had a generous supply of newspaper.
Theoden: Well... I suppose we could put a bed in here for ya. Are you sure you want to sleep in the readin' room?
Merry: Oh yes! Woohoo! I've had to share tents and bedrolls and all with Pippin for more months than I can count. Alone at last... this is great!
Odd Narrator: But as they left Merry to himself he realized...
Merry: <SIGH> A little me time... so nice!
Odd Narrator: ... he REALIZED that he missed the rest of the company.
Merry: <snork>
Odd Narrator: They'd all left him to go off to some unknown doom, most likely involving a painful death. First Frodo and Sam, then Gandalf and Pippin.
Merry: Umm... <gulp>
Odd Narrator: Then at last Aragorn, Legolas and Gimli had left him with strangers, far from his home. The last of his companions had gone off on the <looks around> paths of the dead.
Merry: That can't be good.
Odd Narrator: Yes, Merry was abandoned. As night fell he sat on the oddly shaped chair and... realized that he was alone. Forsaken. A stranger in a strange land, unlikely to ever see his friends or his homeland again. And at that point he...
Merry: WAAAAAAAHHHHH!!!
Odd Narrator: ... realized he was hungry.
Merry: Huh?
Cook: (clanging on a pan) Come and get it!
Merry: Woohoo!
Odd Narrator: In the kings tent the cook gave Merry a large platter of food... and then snatched it back again and explained to him that he was to SERVE it to the king.
Cook: You take the food, and give some to the king so he can eat it.
Merry: Okay, I take the food, eat it and then do what with the king?
Cook: No, no. You don't eat the food. You give the food to the king.
Merry: I don't understand.
Cook: You just hold the platter in one hand. Then take the spoon...
Merry: ... and eat the food. Gotcha.
Cook: No, no!
Theoden: Here! Bring that platter and pull up a chair, Merry. Otherwise we're all gonna starve. You can tell me a tale while we eat.
Merry: Eat a tail? I don't understand.
Theoden: Never mind.
[A bit later]
Merry: [BELCH]
Cook: You're welcome!
Theoden: Ha! Good one!
Merry: Okay, I've got a question. What in the heck are the
Dramatic Music: DUN DUN DUN
Merry: Paths of the Dead?
Horses: NEIGH!
Theoden: Them's the paths for the dead people. They's up thataway t'wards Dimholt.
Merry: Where do they go?
Theoden: To Hell.
Merry: What's Hell?
Theoden: It's where dead people go.
Merry: Why?
Theoden: Because that's where the paths lead.
Merry: Are you sure they don't lead through the mountains to the other side?
Theoden: Yep, we're shore.
Merry: Oh... I see.
Theoden: Nobody livin's ever gone past the door, 'cept for Baldor The Easily Dared.
Merry: Why did he go?
Theoden: Somebody dared him.
Eowyn: He said nuthin' bad could ever happen to him long as he had his lucky penny.
Merry: What happened to him?
Eomer: The King of the Dead boiled his guts and cut out his liver and made him eat it.
Eowyn: <SQUEAK>
Eomer: And then carnivorous pigs ate his feet and they poked out his eyes and-
Merry: How do you know?
Eomer: Because that's what happens when you go on the
Dramatic Music: DUN DUN DUN
Eomer: Paths of the Dead
Horses: NEIGH!
Merry: Oh... I see.
Theoden: Well there was 'at story about the old feller that wasn't dead yet. Yars ago when Baldor and his Daddy went up explorin' to Dimholt door the old guy stopped 'em and said THESE HERE IS THE PATHS OF THE DEAD. THE WAY IS SHET FER LIVE FOLK, FER NOW. Then he passed on.
Merry: What?
Theoden: He fell down dead as a doorknob... the old feller. But I recken he did say FER NOW. That's been a long time, maybe it ain't now anymore.
Eomer: Well I shore wouldn't try it. Not for love ner money!
Eowyn: You wouldn't?
Eomer: Heck naw!
Eowyn: Hrmph.
(Thranduilion)
Eowyn: Well, you didn't even bring me an orc-head like I kipt axin' an' axin, so whaddyoo know. Hrrrummph. [grumblegrumble]
(Idril)
Captain: King Theoden! An errand rider has come from Gondor!
Hirgon: Lord Theoden! I come bearing a token of war. Lord Denethor bids me to tell you that Gondor needs your aid! [kneels and holds forth a sign with a red arrow painted on it]
Rohirrim: [GASP]
Theoden: This is a dark day! No Red Arrow has been seen in the Mark in all my years, and now when it comes... Alas! What is the meaning of this ill omen!
Rohirrim: [MOAN]
Hirgon: What ill omen?
Theoden: The Arrow points left.
Hirgon: What?
Eomer: The right-pointing Red Arrow is the ancient token that our neighbors need us. We never heard of a left-pointing Red Arrow. Does it mean that we should run away?
Hirgon: [Looks at arrow]
Theoden: Is Gondor lost? Already? This is terrible!
Hirgon: [Turns arrow over]
Eomer: The Dark Lord will be here on our doorstep before you can say Jack Rabbit!
Hirgon: Ahem! [holds forth the now right-pointing Arrow]
Eomer: IT'S A MIRACLE!
Theoden: Halleluia!
Rohirrim: Waaaaaaaaaheeeey!
Theoden: Tell the old bastid we'll be there in about a week.
(merithehobbit)
Hirgon: A WEEK? Man... the whole war will be over in a week! Well, Dangit... I guess you can sign up for clean up then... come mop up the blood, kick away the buzzards picking at our bodies, and if they're having a party in the White Tower... your job would be to crash it... kick out Orcs... Swarthy Men...
Theoden: Swarthy?
Eomer: [whisper, whisper]
Theoden: No kiddin? Weehheell, who'd a thunk there'd be such a sufistukated word for colored folks...
Hirgon: Well, we do have a little better vocabulary... better infrastructure... school system in Minas Tirith... well, until it gets burned to the ground this week due to lack of military personnel... all our kids will be orphans, or being raised by single mothers, no incomes, poverty, oppression from the Dark Forces... yeah... give us a few years we'll be uneducated and loose our polish... probably start talking like you too.
Theoden: Well, thankee kindly... I think.
Hirgon: [rolls eyes] Uh... can I have some dinner and a nap or do I have to take off right away again?
Theoden: Naw... hang out... rest up... you can ride tomorrow, and who knows [yawn] I've had a long day ridin' now... got blisters and a rash that itches somethin' fierce... [yawn, scratch, scratch]
Odd Narrator: The conversation of the arrow had passed, they were full, and sleep was all there was to do... being as the cable was out... so they all got up to go to their tents.
Theoden: Well, now... it looks like it might be bedtime for someone...
Merry: Rubbing his eyes... noooo... I'm big... [yawn] I'm not tired...
Theoden: You know darn well that it is way past your bedtime, and you get cranky...
Merry: Awwww... come on... I do not, why are you always treating me like a little kid...
Theoden: Because you're about the size of Eomer when he was eight... [snicker] We all need rest... but I may call you in the morning... this rash is gonna need some scratchin.
Merry: Eeeeww... Fine... I'm going to my tent now... I'll be ready though... I will scratch as you need sir... I'd even follow you down to the...
Eomer: DUN Dun dunnnnnnnn...
Merry: Paths of the Dead? Hey... Eomer you broke it again... gimme that... [pulling box]
Eomer: No... I am fixing it... [pulling back]
Merry: You ruined my last line... [pout]
Eomer: You ate my dessert! [sticks out tongue]
Theoden: All right you two... knock it off! Neigh! Are you happy?
Merry: [pouting] Yes.
Theoden: Go to bed... both of you! I haven't said you'd be going on any road Mr. Merry! Go to bed!
Merry: [walking off dejected] Oh... all right... sheesh... I won't be left behind now... I am going to go... everyone else gets to be heroic... here I am... being treated like a pre-adolescent... I am going... I won't be left behind [gets in tent] I am going... no matter how much Eomer picks on me... I won't be left behind! ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzz.
(BunnieBugs)
Man: (shaking Merry awake) Rise 'n shine, fuzzy feet!
Merry: Whoa! Down boy! Ow. You nearly gave me a case of whiplash!
Man: Uh, wha?
Merry: Um... Ya 'most knocked my head clean off'a ma shoulders.
Man: Oh, I'm right sorry 'bout that, but yer plumb hard to roust! An' the king wants ya'll.
Merry: What's happening? The sun's not even up.
Man: An' it ain't comin' up, from the look of things. But git movin'... time's a'wastin'!
Odd Narrator: Merry dressed right quick... I mean, dressed quickly and stepped outside. Everything was grey and black, and Merry saw many people standing and looking up, muttering.
FirstMan: What the hell is that thang?
Second Man: I ain't never seen nothin' like it, nohow.
First Man: But what the hell is it?
Second Man: Dang, I don't know.
First Man: Wull, where'd it come from?
Third Man: It was aliens. I seen 'em.
Second Man: Aw, you think everthang's aliens!
Third Man: Only 'cuz it is!
First Man: Would all y'all shut up and tell me what the hell that is?
Fourth Man: (walking by) You morons! It's just the shadow of Mordor takin' over!
Third Man: (whispers) 'Cuz the Dark Lord's got the alien's workin' fer him...
[Merry rolls his eyes and enters Theoden's tent. Hirgon from Gondor is there, as well as another man dressed the same way who is speaking to the king.]
Man of Gondor: Last night it began creeping in from Mordor, and it followed me all night as I rode. The great cloud hangs over all the land. War has already begun.
Theoden: I didn't quite ketch all that...
Merry: Allow me, sire. (clears throat) It's darker than the inside of a horse's arse 'cuz o' that varmint off in Mordor. And the feudin' n' fightin's started.
Theoden: Thankee, son. Ya'll make me proud.
Merry: 'Tain't nuthin'.
(merithehobbit)
Theoden: Well boy... we're off to kick some orc beehinders... In a bit I'll head yonder I reckon... but I'm wantin you to stay here and take care of the little lady Eowyn who will watch over the folk while we go out killin.
Merry: [eyes get big as saucers] NOOOOOOOOO! Don't leave me... please... sire... please! I promised you my sword... please [on his knees tearing at Theoden's jacket] I don't want to part from you this way... everyone will say I am a wimp... please... don't leave [Theoden backs away, dragging the clinging Merry] OH [MOAN] This is the worst kind of embarrassment and torture... I should be so ashamed to stay behind... all my friends got to go... why can't I?
Theoden: If all your friends went and jumped off a chasm... would you follow them...
Merry: [looks confused] OF COURSE!
Theoden: You little lemming... [tries to detach Merry] Besides, We're all going to be riding big ole horses and shifting into warp speed... you can't ride the massive and purty beasts we have.
Horses of Rohan: Neigh... hee... hee... yeah... we bad!
Merry: Awwww... please... I wanna go... please... tie me to the back of the horses... or I'll just hang onto a stirrup... please... this trip can't be half as bad as the Orc Adventure last book... seriously... how much trouble could I be? C'mon... please... I wanna go... I can be luggage? I fit nicely into those rolling carry-ons?
Theoden: [chuckle] I'd sooner have you ride on Snowmane with me than squash you into a carry-on bag... but... No... you can't come to war, but you can ride with me as far as Edoras... Stybba can handle that little journey... it's after that we're having horseraces... and they don't allow ponies or double riders to enter!
Merry: C'mon... please?
Theoden: No.
Merry: [scowls and kicks the dirt] You're the meanest King I ever offered my sword too... [pout]
Eowyn: [sneaks up on them in the gloom] Boo! [tickles Merry]
Merry: Wha... ? Oh... hey... [giggle] stop it... [snort] that's... [hee, hee, hee] I'm tickl... [bwahhaaaa] stop [snicker... whoo] I have to pee[eeeeeeeeeeheeeeeheee] STOP!!
Eowyn: All right... [snicker] You are a ticklish fellow... makes it so much funner than these old dweebs who don't have tickle nerves anymore.
Merry: [plopping down] Whew... you are probably a high ranking tickler...
Eowyn: First in my class [smirk]... c'mon Meriadoc... let's go play dressup! I have dug and dug through all the armor and gear. [pulls his sleeve] Let's go shorty before I tickle you senseless...
Merry: [smiles] Promise!
Eowyn: [snicker] Well, Aragorn [cloud passes over her face] took off so fast... I didn't really get any tickle time but he did make me promise to arm you for battle... I have done my best... for I feel in my heart you will need it before this stuff [waves at men] hits the fan... no matter what ole unkie hickster says.
Odd Narrator: So the two headed to a booth where Eowyn made Merry try on various types and styles of gear.
Eowyn: Well, this shield, and that helm... yeah... OH! Those look so good together... [smiles] We don't have any mail to fit you... it'd just weigh you down just to wear an undershirt of the stuff anyway... but I found a stout jerkin of leather, a belt and a knife... they'll accent the shield anyway.
Merry: Why do I feel 5 again, with a big sister dressing me up in her hobbit dresses?
Eowyn: [snicker] I'd like to have seen that! [adjusting belt on Merry] Well, now that is looking much better Master Meriadoc! I wish I had a camera... but take all these things and bear them to a better day! Farewell, I gotta go wash my hair... but maybe we'll meet again... for a tickle or two!
Merry: [sighing as he watched her go] There goes an interesting young thing... Where was I? Oh yeah getting ready for battle... Theoden! Please let me go... I am sure I'll match your entourage now!
(Idril)
Odd Narrator: And so in that caliginous, murky, bleak, gloomy, dusky, mournful, desolate morning, King Theoden made ready to lead his dour, glum, mirthless, saturnine, morose...
Theoden: Boy!
Odd Narrator: What, Sire?
Theoden: You need to shut the hell up.
Odd Narrator: <gulp> Yes Sire.
Theoden: Y'all ready?
Riders: <mutter mutter>
Theoden: I recken that's a yes. Let's skedaddle!
Women: <sniff mutter wave hankies>
[Riders start off]
Odd Narrator: <whisper> Merry... I'm not supposed to talk now so would you mind?
Merry: Huh? Oh! Gotcha. My, that Rider looks vaguely familiar! I'd hate to be the one she... I mean he's mad at.
Odd Narrator: <whisper> thanks! And one more?
Merry: Okay, whatever. Uhhh... It's a shame nobody feels like singing a glorious song to see King Theoden off. I wonder how it would go, if anyone were to be singing it... which they aren't.
(BadWargMama)
Bard:
There is a guy in Dunharrow
They call him Thengel's son
And he's been the ruin of many a poor boy
And God, I know I'm one
His father was a mighty King
down in Edoras
His mother was a shieldmaiden
who kicked his sorry ass
Now the only thing Theoden needs
is his riders and, of course,
And the only time he'll be satisfied
Is when he's on a horse
There is a man in Dunharrow
They call him Thengel's son
And he's been the ruin of many a poor boy
And God, I know I'm one
Oh mother tell your children
not to do what I have done
Spend you lives in sin and misery
In the house of old Thengel's son
Well he's got one foot on the stirrup
the steady hand on the reign
And he's ridin out from Edoras
To certain death and pain
Well there is a guy in Dunharrow
They call him Thengel's son
And it's been the ruin of many a poor boy
And God, I know I'm one
(Idril)
Merry: Wow, impressive!
[awkward pause]
Merry: King Theoden, can the Narrator try again?
Theoden: Hmmm... I suppose. If he aint too depressin'.
Odd Narrator: Oh I won't be! Near noon the party stopped at Edoras. The clouds were still very dark, but actually that wasn't all bad. The sun can be just murder when you're trying to ride in armor. And, since it was dim anyway, they decided that they could head out straight across the plains and not worry about being spotted. Pretty cool huh?
Oh, but Merry was not a happy camper when it came time for him to be left behind. I can't really find the bright side of that.
Merry: Please can I go?
Theoden: No.
Merry: Please can I go?
Theoden: No.
Merry: Please can I go?
Theoden: No.
Merry: Please can I go?
Theoden: No.
Merry: Please can I stay behind?
Theoden: No.
Merry: Ha! Gotcha.
Theoden: Grrr... You ain't goin!
Merry: <SIGH> This sucks! Even the strip club is closed!
Theoden: No pouting!
Merry: <pout> Who's pouting? Not me! I'll just go find some dishes to wash or chickens to feed or something. My kids'll ask "Hey Daddy, what did you do in the war" and I'll say "Oh, children! I stirred a honkin' big pot of porridge for the hungry children of Dunharrow." And they'll go "Wow Daddy, you are so freaking BRAVE!! You could have gotten SCALDED! OUR DADDY'S A MOTHER LOVIN' HERO!!" Now why would I pout?
Theoden: <SIGH> Stay out of trouble, young'un.
Merry: Bye Sire. [stalks off]
Dernhelm: psst!
Merry: Oh geeze... a perv.
Dernhelm: Excuse me?
Merry: No I DON'T want any candy and I DON'T want to help you find your lost puppy, so shove off!
Dernhelm: You're in a bad mood... want to go kill something?
Merry: Uhhhh... what?
Dernhelm: I'm Dernhelm. You can ride with me to Mundburg if you want. You know, battle, glory, lots of tales to tell the grandkids?
Merry: No bum grabbing?
Dernhelm: Cross my heart. But of course if your captured by orcs or something I can't be responsible.
Merry: Oh orcs are no problem. Alright, I'm in!
Odd Narrator: So Merry narrowly avoided the danger of falling into a honkin' big pot of porridge. Instead he rode before Dernhelm on the great steed Winfola as King Theoden's army made its way East. As they reached the Fens of Entwash they heard word of armies of orcs attacking their Eastern Border.
Eomer: Don't mind them, just keep on truckin'!
Merry: Oh Miss Dernhelm, is the enemy going to attack us here?
Dernhelm: I doubt it, they'd have trouble crossin' the Fens. Wait a minute... why do you call me Miss?
Merry: You're trying to pass as a man?
Dernhelm: Uhh... yes.
Merry: Well. In that case you ought to get a different breastplate.
Dernhelm: What?
Merry: Yeah, it's kind of hard to think of you as a guy when... ummm... well to be blunt, your metal breasts have been bonkin' me in the head for the past twelve leagues.
Dernhelm: [looks at breastplate] D'oh! I knowd I's forgettin' something!