(BunnieBugs)
Odd Narrator: Shadowfax had carried Gandalf and Pippin off into the night. Merry returned to Aragorn, and found that Hasufel was saddled, and Legolas and Gimli were ready with their horse, nearby.
Horse: Um, that's not my name.
Odd Narrator: What?
Horse: 'Nearby' is not my name. It's Arod.
Odd Narrator: Oh, brother...
Arod: I simply wish to have proper acknowledgement.
Odd Narrator: (sigh) Fine. Legolas and Gimli were ready NEARBY with their horse, AROD. Happy?
Arod: Very satisfactory. Thank you.
Odd Narrator: (under his breath) What a buncha prima donnas I gotta put up with...
Aragorn: Well, looks like it's just the four of us, now. But we'll have company... King Theoden was kinda spooked by that whole bomb-dropping winged shadow thingy, so he and his men are heading for the hills tonight.
Legolas: And whither then?
Gimli: 'Whither?' Does anyone really talk like that?
Legolas: (baps Gimli on his helm) [WHAP!] Such archaic words lend me a dignified elvish air.
Gimli: Yeah, 'lend' is right. You sure can't keep it... [snicker]
Aragorn: In answer to your question, the king will go to the muster at Edoras, and if there's word of war, the Riders will continue on to Minas Tirith. As for me, I have no freaking idea what's up next for me... Anybody got a script handy?
Legolas: (looking around) No, sorry...
Gimli: I loaned mine to Gandalf. He was having trouble "seeing all ends" again.
Aragorn: Well, I guess it doesn't matter. (dramatically) I know not my path! Who shall come with me?
Legolas: Well, I got nothing better to do...
Gimli: Yeah. Whatever.
Merry: Hey, don't forget me! I know I've not been much more than an indistinguishable back-up hobbit so far, but give me a chance. Maybe I can do great things yet, or perform some valiant deed of bravery, or something...
Gimli: [SNORK] Yeah, right!
Aragorn: Good one, Merry!
Merry: Aw! Please take me with you! It's just that the Riders aren't being very nice to me, even though the king likes me and invited me to his house and everything! I think they're just jealous.
Aragorn: Well, all right. You can ride with me for now, but I think you'll be following the king's path before much longer. Oh, I see that gleam in your eye, but you can forget about it! It will be long before Theoden has time to listen to your real estate schemes.
Merry: Nuts!
(Russ)
Theoden: Hi-yo Eorlingas, AWAY!
Aragorn: Hyah mule! Hyah! Hyah!
Hasufel: Alright! Don't get your panties in a wad! We're going. And I am Not a MULE!
[insert clips of Theoden and co. riding hard, superimpose map of middle earth, a black line extending from Isengard, Through the Gap of Rohan, the line stops.]
Theoden v.o.: I told you to go BEFORE we left!
Merry v.o.: Sorry sire, won't happen again!
[The line starts growing again, they splash across the Fords of Isen and ride hard past the burial mounds.]
[Cut to Theoden, a rider comes up alongside of him]
Rider: My liege!
Theoden: What is it Fathers- Uncles- Brothers- Sisters- Nephews- Best friends- Neighbors- son?
Rider: Riders Your Royal Oldness! Coming hard after us! And they're getting closer!
Theoden: HALLLLT!!!!
[CRASH, SLAM, CRUNCH, BANG, THUD!]
Riders: %*#@+%$!#?*!!!!!!
Eomer: Either we gotta work on this quick stopping thing or else somebody is gonna have to invent brake lights!
Aragorn: Whoa.
Hasufel: snork! (runs faster)
Aragorn: Whoa!
Hasufel: (runs still faster)
Aragorn: WHOA! When I say whoa, I mean...
Hasufel: (slams on the brakes)
Aragorn: WHOAAAAAAAAAAaaaaa!!!!! (KA-THUD)
Aragron: Um, Merry, little help?
Hasufel: snicker!
Merry: mool Mumphull ret molph meem murtht mooth fumphther thoncther!
Aragorn: (rising) What?
Merry: (Buried beneath him) I said you'll have to get off me first you... oaf!
Aragorn: Sorry.
Merry: You REALLY need to have a little chat with Hasufel. Does he know where glue comes from?
Hasufel: ruh-roh!
Aragorn: I don't know, but maybe it's time he found out!
Hasufel: squeak!
Odd Narrator: Meanwhile,
Eomer: Halt! Who rides in Rohan!
Strange rider #1: Rohan? I thought this was Eriador! We're in Rohan? Elladan! Bring up the map!
Elladan: The map? I thought Elrohir brought it.
Elrohir: Nope, I brought the lembas, you were supposed to bring the map.
Elladan: D'oh!
Eomer: Well you're in Rohan now pard, and unless you got a green card, you had better have a dang good reason for bein' here!
Strange Rider #1: We were supposed ride to Eriador to a place called the Shire to try and find out why Rivendell's supply of Longbottom has dried up. I am called Halbarad Dunadan, Ranger of the north, defender of the weak, and friend of all that fight on the side of goodness and niceness and champion of the virtues of two-ply, extra soft tissue! But my friends call me Hal. I wish Aragorn had been with us, then at least we might not have gotten lost, again!
Elladan: My bad, sorry.
Aragorn: Halbarad, or Hal for short! Of all the joys, this is the least expected!
Halbarad: Aragorn! This IS a surprise!
Aragorn: It's alright everyone, these are my kin from the north, though how many they are and how they came here I know not!
Halbarad: There are thirty of us and does the name Elladan ring a bell?
Aragorn: Not again! The map?
Halbarad: What else?
Aragorn: Duuuude!
Elladan: I SAID I was sorry! (sulk)
Theoden: It matters not, any friend of two-ply is a friend of mine! And a few extra swords will come in quite handy indeed! But now let us make haste! Dark deeds await!
Aragorn: SADDLE UP!
Halbarad: He still does that?
Merry: You have NO idea!
[Elrohir rides up along side of Aragorn]
Elrohir: I bring to you word from my father.
[they ride off]
Aragorn: Are we gonna have time for this?
Elrohir: I'll summarize, he said to tell you that "Time is short! The Crow flies at midnight! One if by Land, two if by sea! Damn the torpedoes! Make love not war! No justice no peace! Four score and seven...
Aragorn: Yeah, yeah. Is that it?
Elrohir: No, he also said that if you are in haste to remember the paths of the dead!
Aragorn: F*** That! Is he kiddin' me? The paths of the dead, yeah right! It'll be a cold day in Mordor before I...
(Elrohir hands Aragorn a copy of the Mordor Herald-Tribune)
Aragorn: Hmmm. Minus 3 celsius eh? That IS pretty cold.
Elrohir: Let us speak of it no more on the road, the whole idea is creeping me out!
Aragorn: Deal! So Hal, what's that ya got there? New spear? Looks pretty sweet! Whose thongs are those wrapped around it? What have you been up to you old dog!
Halbarad: Relax hormone boy! This is a gift for you from the Lady of Rivendell. She wrought it for you in secret. I guess the thongs are tokens of her, um... esteem.
Aragorn: Okay, I know what it is then. You can hang onto it for awhile longer, but no sniffing the thongs!
Halbarad: Okay. sigh.
(aneya26)
Odd Narrator: The company arrived back at Hornburg. [puts sign on chair saying: Out To Lunch]
Gimli: [giving Merry a good swift kick] Wake up, sleepy head. Leggy and I have got something we want ya to check out. This is the place where me and Leggy held a little competition. I beat him by 20 orcs!
Legolas: No, one.
Gimli: Okay... by 15 orcs.
Legolas: No, one!
Gimli: Okay... by 10 orcs.
Legolas: [KUH-CLACK] Me and my buddy AK here say it was one!
Gimli: Like I was saying Merry, I beat Leggy by one orc.
Merry: [yawning] What time is it?
Legolas: Day time! Ever see the sun shine at night?
Merry: Thank you, oh wondrous elf for your overwhelming ability to state the obvious. I am SO not worthy of being in your presence.
Legolas: As it is said in the common tongue: Flattery will get you nowhere.
Gimli: [shakes his head]
Merry: No, that was sarcasm, Lego.
Legolas: Huh?
Merry: Um... Arcasmsay, Egolay!
Legolas: Shut yo' mouth!
Gimli: Say, Merry! I've got a nice piece of cave I'd like to sell ya.
Merry: No, no. I couldn't make a profit on a cave. Too dank and dreary. Plus, it's all about location, location, location.
Gimli: It's next to a fast food joint.
Merry: Hornburgers! How could I forget such lovely morsels of food. [sniff] Pippin really loved those hornburgers. I remember the way he used to eat 'em. He'd swallow the first one whole, then swallow the next one whole, then swallow the next one whole, then swallow...
Legolas: Uh, Merry.
Merry: ... the next one whole, then swallow the next one whole, then...
AK: HEY! Short guy in a little coat! [KUH-CLACK] Be cool, or I'll warm your bum with lead.
Merry: [sniff] I miss Pippin's bum.
Gimli: We all do, Merry. D'oh!
Legolas: Cheer up, Merry. Aragorn and Hal are going through the drive-thru right now. I'm sure they'll remember to pick you up a happy meal. HA! Get it? Cheer up... HAPPY meal. Tee hee.
Gimli: Oh boy. Now Elfo the Magnificent thinks he's a comedian.
Legolas: WWWAAAAABBBAAAAAAYYYYY!!
Merry: Strange how elf laughter makes him sound like a sheep.
Gimli: Or an a**... I mean a donkey. Anyway, what's up with Aragorn's homies? They make the Riders of Rohan look like pansies. And the smell!! Foooweee! Silent, but Deadly!!
Legolas: Didn't you get a load of the twins! [mumbles under breath] I'm still prettier!
Merry: So, why are they all here?
Gimli: Word came to them from a pigeon or some kind of smoke signals.
Legolas: Nah!
Arod: [ears perk up] Huh?!? Are you talkin' to me?
Legolas: Word came to them from your girlfriend, Gimli.
Gimli: Ah yes... the Madam in the Woods. They sure had some kickin' brothels back there!
Legolas: Oh yeah! For me, the loin burning is still too near.
Gimli: And we digress. So why didn't we also just call in for reinforcements, Leggy?
Legolas: 'Cause right now, they too are screwed!
(BunnieBugs)
Odd Narrator: Legolas, Gimli and Merry walked together for a time, talking about the battle. They came down from the broken gate and passed the mounds of the dead, stopping on Helm's Dike to look down into the Coomb.
Merry: What's that creepy mound of stones down there?
Legolas: That is the Death Down. It is believed that the slain orcs lie there.
Merry: You mean you don't know?
Gimli: The morning after the battle, all the dead orcs were just gone, and that was there.
Merry: Awesome! No after-party clean up!
Gimli: Heard that! (he and Merry high-five)
Merry: And all that trampled grass must be where the Huorns did the flamenco on top of the orcs... I recognize their style.
Gimli: Yup!
Merry: Cool. Let's go grab a Hornburger!
Legolas: Nay, young Ent-friend! The king requests your presence in the hall of the Burg.
Merry: Well, couldn't we get take-out?
Gimli: Dude! You're gonna get fed, so just chill!
Merry: Oh, all right. (looks around thoughtfully) You know, this is the first place I've been so far that has failed to inspire me for development ideas. Who'da thought it?
Odd Narrator: The king called to Merry as they entered the hall, and Merry came and sat beside him.
Theoden: Well, it ain't like home, but it'll have to do fer now. And it may be awhile before we kin have that long talk I promised you, but we kin at least chat fer awhile and enjoy the local cuisine...
Merry: All right! Hornburgers!
Theoden: ... and then ya'll kin ride with me.
Merry: Really?
Theoden: Really.
Merry: Dude, you RULE! Uh, heh, heh... I mean, of course you RULE, but... aw, forget it. I can tell the Riders just think I'm in the way, and I don't know how useful I'll be, but I'd like to try.
Theoden: Why, shore you do. I've got a hill-pony all ready fer you, and if yer amenable, ya'll will be my esquire. Say, Eomer! Is there any war gear hereabouts that might fit a lil' feller like this?
Eomer: [GUFFAW!] Not likely! No offense...
Merry: None taken.
Eomer: We might could find a helm for him, but no mail or sword...
Merry: I've got one of those! (stands up and draws his sword, then kneels in front of Theoden) Theoden King, may I lay the sword of Meriadoc of the Shire in your lap?
Theoden: I hope that's just a figger of spee-eEEEEOOW! Watch it with that thang, lil' feller! Dang, that was close!
Merry: Oops. Sorry. Will you still consider taking me into your service?
Theoden: I think I'd better. I'd hate to have a repeat performance like that in the future! On yer feet, Meriadoc, esquire of Rohan!
Merry: Ooh, I like the sound of that. You'll be the father I never had!
Theoden: What? You mean ya'll didn't have a daddy?
Merry: Sure I did, but, well, we're not close...
Theoden: Well, all-righty then. Just don't call me 'Pop.' I hate that.
(Idril)
Odd Narrator: They talked then together as they ate, however nobody could understand Merry...
Merry: Mfffph mrrrmppmm mrrfffmmfffrr.
Odd Narrator: Presently Eomer reminded them that it was near the time that was set for their departure.
Eomer: Yeonago perty soon? Aragorn ain't et yet.
Theoden: Yeaaa weotergo herenaminit. Some of y'all find Aragorn and tell him we're fixin' to go, aaait?
Rider: Aaait.
Odd Narrator: The King came down to the Burg where his great company was assembling.
Theoden: What?
Odd Narrator: All the Riders were fixin' to get ready to go.
Theoden: Ahhh... aaait.
Odd Narrator: Then Merry noticed Aragorn's kinsmen sitting off to themselves. They all wore drab grey Ranger gear and sat silent on their rough looking horses.
Merry: Hi! Are you guys kin to Strider? He's a super guy isn't he? We traveled together for months and you know what? When me and Pippin got captured by the orcs, he hunted us all the way across Rohan. Cool, huh?
Dunadan: Yes.
[silence]
Merry: So how was your trip down from the North? We ran into all kinds of problems, orcs, wargs, demons from ancient times. Did you have any problems?
Dunadan: No.
Merry: Well, ummmm... nice meeting you. <rolls eyes>
Odd Narrator: Theoden and Merry mounted up and were pertinear ready to go when Aragorn and the rest of the crew came out of the gate. The twins looked marvelous as usual, wearing the latest fashion in elf-armor.
Elladan: You noticed! I designed it, you know.
Elrohir: Did not.
Elladan: Did too.
Elrohir: Did not.
Elladan: Did too.
Merry: What the HECK happened to you, Aragorn? You look Death warmed over.
Aragorn: Oh thanks Merry. King Theoden, I'm afraid that I will have to change gears here. How long will it take you to Muster all your forces?
Theoden: What?
Aragorn: How long before y'all are pertinear ready to go to battle?
Eomer: 'Bout four days, I recken.
Aragorn: Four days... alas! But I fear we can't expedite matters at this juncture.
Eomer: What?
Aragorn: I don't recken y'all could whittle that down a might?
Eomer: Nope.
Aragorn: My Lord, by your leave I must take new counsel... I mean I've puzzled out a new plan for me and my folks. We're fixin' to go directly crost the plains here and onest we get to Dunharrow we're gonna take the
Dramatic Music: DUN DUN DUN
Aragorn: Paths of the Dead.
Horses: NEEEIGH!
Theoden: What? The
Dramatic Music: DUN DUN DUN
Theoden: Paths of the Dead?
Horses: NEEEIGH!
Eomer: Ummmmm... I hate to break this to you Aragorn, but you can't take them...
Dramatic Music: DUN-
Eomer: I MEAN, you can't go that way. Even though you look like the Grim Reaper's been beating you about the head and shoulders... you ain't dead. The Dead don't cotton to Live folks on their property. Tell ya what... how 'bout we ride off to battle instead. THEN if we get kilt, we can go rompin' up and down the
Dramatic Music: DUN DUN DUN
Eomer: <sigh> Paths of the Dead
Horses: NEEEIGH!
Eomer: together. Sound like a plan?
Aragorn: No can do, Eomer. I'll have to go on the
Dramatic Music: DU
Aragorn: I MEAN... I have to go another way. But we'll hook up and fight together later.
Eomer: Promise?
Aragorn: On my sword.
Eomer: (looks suspicious)
Aragorn: I swear by my can of Red Man!
Eomer: Well that's as good as she gets ritetare. But if'n you get kilt, don't bother. I don't wanna fight by no skeleton.
Theoden: Aragorn, you're kinda an odd feller, but we're gonna miss you. We need to get goin or it'll get dark on us. Bye now! Come back when you can set a spell!
Aragorn: Bye Theoden! Bye Merry! Don't stick any beans up your nose!
Merry: Bye Strider! Have fun on the
Dramatic Music: DUN DUN DUN
Merry: Paths of the Dead!
Horses: NEEEIGH!
Merry: Oh cool!
Odd Narrator: And thus Theoden and his company rode out across the Dike and toward the mountain paths that lead to Dunharrow. For a few moments Aragorn watched them go. The sounds of the dramatic music, the neighing of the horses and Merry's laughter echoed through the hills, but stopped abruptly after the king threatened Merry with a "butt whoopin".
Aragorn: Wegottasum mighty fine folks ritare.
Halbarad: What?
Aragorn: I mean, there goes three that I love, the smallest not the least.
Halbarad: The little ones sure are high maintenance. Not that I'm complaining. I forgot, why is it that we risk life and limb guarding the borders of the Shire without ever telling them what we're doing?
Aragorn: Two reasons: Plot device and Pipeweed.
Halbarad: Oh yeah. Gotcha.
Aragorn: Let's go eat before we head out. My big innards is eatin up my little 'uns.
Halbarad: What?
Aragorn: Ahh... never mind.
(BunnieBugs)
Aragorn: Come with me, Legolas and Gimli. I need to talk to you as I eat.
Odd Narrator: They went back to the Burg together, and Aragorn munched fries and onion rings while the others waited for him to speak.
Aragorn: (munch, munch, chew, crunch)
Gimli: (sigh)
Legolas: (drums his fingers lightly on the table) [tap-tap-tap-tap, tap-tap-tap-tap]
Aragorn: (swallow, munch, munch, suck teeth, munch)
[Some time later... ]
Legolas: [TAP-TAP-TAP-TAP, TAP-TAP-TAP-TAP]
Aragorn: (chew, slurp, munch)
Gimli: AHEM!
Aragorn: I'm sorry... did you want some?
Gimli: No way!
Legolas: Nay, therein lies enough grease to deep-fry a cave troll!
Gimli: But we WOULD like to hear why you look like something out of a George Romero flick this morning!
Aragorn: Oh, that. Hold on... See any of those little packages of wet wipes around? (Legolas hands him one) Thanks! Well, my friends, today I looked into the stone of Orthanc, yada, yada, yada...
Gimli: WHAT? Don't you 'yada yada' me! Even Gandalf was scared spitless of that thing!
Aragorn: Hey! Don't you smart-mouth me! You forget to whom you speak!
Gimli: Get a load of him. Well, you're not king yet, buddy!
Aragorn: (sigh) I know, I know. Like I need reminding... But I AM the rightful owner of the stone, and had the strength-BARELY-to use it.
Palantir: Hey, don't sell yourself short, sweet thing! You were very... (purrs) masterful.
Aragorn: Anyway, saw the whole flaming eyeball thing, yada, yada...
Gimli: Watch it...
Aragorn: ... and he saw me, too! And let me tell you, if he had boots he'd be quaking in them. I showed him what for, I made him rue the day, I mentally kicked his ass from here to the Encircling Seas...
Legolas: You barely got away with your sanity intact, huh?
Aragorn: Pretty much. But I did manage to wrestle control of the stone away...
Palantir: Oh, BA-by, he was good.
Aragorn: And at least he knows I'm here now, and he ain't happy, let me tell you.
Gimli: Dude! Now he's gonna squash us first chance he gets!
Aragorn: Perhaps... but if I can get him to swing at a few curve balls, we might get another turn at bat.
Gimli: Huh?
Aragorn: Never mind. Just strategy talk. We can't wait for him to make the first move. You see, while I was sight-seeing with the Palantir, I saw a big swarm of bad guys coming upon Gondor from the South. It must be stopped quickly, or Minas Tirith will fall.
Gimli: Oh, well. Not much we can do about it. There are no armies to send against them.
Aragorn: That is why I must go myself.
Gimli and Legolas: [pause] BWAAAHAAAHAAAA!
Legolas: Can you picture it? Thundering horde approaches: Alone, Aragorn stands in their path. (in a high voice) Halt! For I am [snork!] King of Gondor... almost! BWAAAHAAHAA!
Gimli: BWAHAAAHAA!
Aragorn: When you two have quite finished...
[With some effort, Legolas and Gimli get themselves under control.]
Aragorn: There is only one way to get there before it's too late, and that is on the... [pause] on the... [pause]. Ahem. And that is on the... [pause] Dang! Merry busted the thing already. Help me out, guys?
Both: (mutter, mutter) All right.
Aragorn: And that is on the
Gimli: DUN DUN DUN
Aragorn: Paths of the Dead!
Legolas: Neigh. Whatever.
(merithehobbit)
Gimli: The Paths of the Dead?
Aragorn: WAIT!... DUN DUN DUN
Gimli: [sigh] The Paths of the Dead?
Aragorn: [nudges Legolas]
Legolas: [SIGH] Neigh... oh brother!
Gimli: That is quite the annoying SFX, and it sounded like the Men of Rohan didn't like it much either.
Aragorn: Shuddup... it's cool! Just like Merry said!
Gimli: Well, if it is so creepy what makes you think you can go that way? And even if you do... how will your little pathetic band make any difference to the War by getting there early?
Aragorn: [puts on a Kingly pose] The living have never used that road since the Rohirrim came to town... it is closed to them... they never figured out the secret password. Then we made up all these legends to scare the crap out of them, and after a while, we forgot the passwords, and no one has been there ever since.
Legolas: Huh? So this is all a farce?
Aragorn: Well, no. There was that little issue of the curse of Isildur and stuff, but no biggie... since I have Isildur's hair I can get in no prob.
Legolas: I don't think you have his hair, it was more fluffy and fly away... yours is well, rather oily... tends to bunch up in little clods...
Aragorn: Hey... I washed it last week!
Legolas: [snicker] I'd let you borrow my Prell, but it is only for Elven locks. You'd need the Oil Control formula, and I think Wormtongue took the last bottle.
Gimli: Uh... back to the...
Aragorn: Oh! [perks up]... DUN DUN DUN
Gimli: [rolls eyes] Paths of the Dead?
Legolas: [glare] NEIGH!
Gimli: [snicker] So what's the story there... surely there is some poem or song... [listens] I hear sort of strange background music... must be a song coming up to tell us?
Aragorn: [clears throat] Well, a prophecy
(Aneya26)
And so said the Malbeth Seer...
Round about the dead paths go
So must Isildur's heir be thrown
Stand, they by the Erech Stone
Oathbreakers are more than thirty-one
By the king they will be got
Then move yer arse before it's shot
Double, double toil and trouble
Fire burn, and marshes bubble
Legolas: That's great and all, but you aren't king!
Aragorn: D**n IT!
(merithehobbit)
Gimli: Huh? That sounds kinda creepy... waking the dead and all... but considering the things we've been through, probably a walk in the park.
Aragorn: Well, a walk in a very dark, wispy, spooky, haunted, creepy park, but I want you to come with me... we will need some growling and comic relief.
Gimli: I will follow you on this Pa... uh... scary journey... and wherever you lead...
Legolas: I'll come too, besides, someone has to drive the horse... and dead people don't scare me.
Gimli: Well, I hope at least the dead folks bring spears or something, and haven't atrophied too badly that they can't fight... otherwise... why bother getting ourselves all worked up for nothing?
Aragorn: Well, let me explain... the prophecy only alludes to rich diverse historical references...
Gimli: Hrurmph!
Legolas: Can you make it quick, I have to wash my hair again soon.
Aragorn: Well, okay... like you can accuse me of being Merry or Pippin?
Legolas and Gimli: BWAHAHAAAAA!
Aragorn: Well, a long time ago...
Gimli: [snork]
Aragorn: [glare] when Gondor was a brand new country... the King of the Mountains swore to Isildur that he would fight against Sauron. It was really quite interesting, they had a big ceremony and a great big black stone they swore the oath on... but when Sauron grew in power and influence the people kind of got involved in Sauron worship, even using the stone to sacrifice virgins on and stuff...
Legolas: [raises eyebrows, checks script] Really? I must have skipped that part... do we get a flashback?
Aragorn: No. Anyway, when Isildur asked for the people to fulfill their oath they filed for bankruptcy and Isildur was never able to get them to show up to fight... the wimps.
Gimli: So...
Aragorn: Well, Isildur was ticked off big time and well, he used to get really gassy when he was angry.. and they all fled in terror for the stench was as a large cloud of foreboding gloom. Oh... and Isildur kind of cursed them so they wouldn't rest until their oath was fulfilled. They hid in the mountains, and were completely cut off from society and couldn't buy any Sleeping Pills or even turkey! Soon they all died from lack of sleep. And now everything is haunted And it is just for me to wake them all up and kick Sauron's butt! They have probably been sleepless long enough... expect them to be grumpy and have really baggy eyes! [stands up] Well... Let's Go To the Stone of Erech! I seek... [nudges Gimli]
Gimli: GRRRRRR
Aragorn: [under breath] Dang that Merry... DUN DUN DUN The Paths of the Dead... [nudges Legolas]
Legolas: [fingers long blade... glare]
Aragorn: Neigh! Let's go. [Runs and jumps on Roheryn]
Roheryn: Uh... huh... uh... huh..uh... huh!
Hooded Rangers: [looming creepily waiting] Well, it's about time.
Halbarad's horn: DOO DOO DOO DOO!
Men left on Dike or Burg: WOW! Did you see him do that flip and land right on the horse? Cool horn... never heard that kind before... Off they go... into the black of dead paths...
(Idril)
Odd Narrator: The Grey Company passed swiftly over the plains and came the next afternoon to Edoras. They didn't stay there long, for the town was empty and the bars were all closed. Even "Professor Russell's Academy of Female Anatomy" was locked up tight, and its "Girls--All Night--All Day--All Nude!!" sign was dark. The Grey Company passed up the valley and arrived in Dunharrow early in the evening.
Eowyn: Welcome gentlemen!
Aragorn: My Lady Eowyn, allow me to present my kinsmen from the North. This is Halbarad, and these are Elladan and Elrohir, sons of Elrond Halfelven. These other gentlemen are my cousins whose names escape me at the moment, and you know Legolas and Gimli.
Halbarad: Yo!
Elladan: Lady Eowyn. [kisses her hand]
Eowyn: [blush]
Elrohir: My Lady! [bows] [elbows Halbarad]
Halbarad: OW! <SIGH> My Lady! [bows]
L&G: [wave]
Dunadain: [GRUNT]
Eowyn: Welcome gentlemen! Oh, I said that already, fudge. Uhhhh... Nice to meet y'all. Will you... uhhhhh... please join me for supper?
Odd Narrator: As they ate, Aragorn told Eowyn about the events since they'd left for the Fords. She'd had little news since the television broadcasts halted abruptly. As Aragorn described the action, she grew animated and quizzed him for details and body counts.
Eowyn: I hope Eomer remembers to bring me an orc-head. I keep reminding him and reminding him but he always forgets.
Aragorn: [blink] Ummmm, anyway... then by foul craft they blasted through the culvert here (adds arrow to the map drawn on the tablecloth)... and the enemy just flooded in. Eomer and a bunch of the guys had to beat it to the caves, and Legolas and I retreated to the Hornburger here (draws dotted line to the Burg).
Eowyn: Damn! I hate wizards. Stupid blasting powder!
Aragorn: [blink][blink]
Eowyn: Oh, I wish I could have been there... what happened next?
Aragorn: Well we defended the Burg here for the rest of the night... not too much exciting stuff... just lots of grapple hooks and grunt work. Then at dawn the enemy blasted the great gates, but by then we were ready. King Theoden had them sound the horn of Helm...
Eowyn: oooooohhhhhh... [flush]
Aragorn: Uhhh... and we all rode out through the rubble and thrust... I mean rushed headlong into the heart of the enemy forces.
Eowyn: mmmmmmmmmmmmmm...
Gimli: <snicker>
Legolas: <rolls eyes><sniffs>
Aragorn: It... I mean... it was a great charge. The enemy was all creeped out by something going on at their rearguard, and when we took them head on they were completely dismayed...
Eowyn: Oh, yeeeesssss.
Halbarad: <snork> *cough* Oh excuse me!
Aragorn: So we slaughtered tons of 'em, and many more fled before us, but they had nowhere to go, really. When we got to the Dike this big creepy FOREST had come out of nowhere and planted itself right in across the valley. Gandalf and Erkenbrand's folks arrived just in time to help us drive the orcs right into the forest... where they were consumed.
Eowyn: Trees?
Aragorn: Yep.
Eowyn: Ummmm... okay. Could you tell me about the charge again... and the horn?
Aragorn: Again?
Eowyn: Oh yes! I do this all night long.
Halbarad & Gimli: BWAHAHAHAH!
Aragorn: WHAT?
Halbarad: Uhhh... good one, Gimli! Love that dwarvish humor!
Aragorn: Ummmm... I'm can't stay up all night, Lady... you see...
Gimli: <SNORK>
Aragorn: Shush!
Eowyn: Or better yet... well Darn. I wish we were in the movie... I could show you the moves I've learned... and maybe you could show me some new ones.
Aragorn: What?
Eowyn: Swordplay. Hama says... oh... said... I have talent. I guess I'm being too forward. You've been riding all day. Maybe tomorrow?
Aragorn: I... uh... should retire soon. We are leaving at dawn.
Eowyn: Where are you going? Aren't you going to wait here for my uncle?
Aragorn: Alas, no. I have an urgent errand. We must take the
Dramatic Music: DUN DUN DUN
Aragorn: Paths of the Dead.
The Roast: NEIGH!
Eowyn: [GASP!!]
Aragorn: Hey... it's working again!
Eowyn: Aragorn!! Oh no, you can't!!!
Aragorn: But I have to... ow. Could you please let go my leg?
Eowyn: But you have to stay... and go with us to Mundburg. To battle, remember? All sorts of horrible things will happen if you go on the
Dramatic Music: DUN DUN DUN
Eowyn: Paths of the Dead.
The Roast: NEIGH!
Eowyn: [squeak!] The Dead King will boil your guts and then he'll cut out your liver and make you eat it, and, and-
Aragorn: Calm down, good heavens! Did Eomer tell you all that?
Eowyn: Well it's true, he crossed his heart!
Aragorn: Listen. I'm Isildur's heir. I can walk the... I mean the Dead won't get me... don't worry. Word came from Imladris... that I should.
Eowyn: Oh... the elves told you it was okay. <rolls eyes> Well they'd certainly know. It's been nice knowing you.
Legolas: grrr...
Elladan: (apparently not listening) Did not.
Elrohir: Did too.
Elladan: Did not.
Elrohir: Did too.
Aragorn: Lady, don't be afraid for us. I have an urgent errand in the South... and this is the only way.
Eowyn: I guess... well I shouldn't keep y'all up then. OWW... I feel funny... I hope it wasn't the roast.
Odd Narrator: A much subdued Eowyn then excused herself, bid everyone a good night and left to see that proper lodging had been found for the guests.
[Late that night in Aragorn's tent]
Eowyn: (whispering) Lord Aragorn?
Aragorn: zzznork... oh hey baby... err... huh?
Legolas: My goodness. Who is that creeping into our tent in the middle of the night? Why it's Lady Eowyn, what a surprise.
Aragorn: Legolas, sh! Lady Eowyn, what are you doing here?
Eowyn: I can't sleep. I can't stand the thought of you going on those horrible... umm... you know.
Aragorn: Yes I'll probably die. And this will be my last-
Eomer v.o.: Don't be singing about my sister, or I'll come kick your ass... seriously.
Aragorn: erm... what I meant was... I must, Lady. I do not choose this path because it's perilous, but because it's the only path that offers a glimmer of hope. (looks deeply into her eyes) I must do my part, no matter what lies ahead.
Eowyn's Heart: [FLIPPITY FLOP]
Eowyn: Then take me! Ooops... I mean take me with you when you go!
Legolas: AHEM! Sheesh Aragorn. She's what, twelve years old?
Eowyn: I am not! I'm 21!
Legolas: What-ever. In any case, Aragorn, she should go back to her own bed. When Arw-
Aragorn: Hold it! Let me 'splain something to you about military life, Legolas. We have this little saying: "What goes TDY stays TDY".
Legolas: What in the heck does that mean?
Aragorn: It means, my tree-loving elvish friend, that it is NOT proper for one's comrades to go blabbing back to one's fiancee about every little chance roll in the hay that might occur while one is off fighting for one's country.
Eowyn: Fiancee?
Aragorn: So if we're BOTHERING you then just go wandering under the stars or something and BUTT OUT!
Eowyn: Roll in the hay?
Legolas: Alright! I can tell when I'm not wanted! [leaves]
Aragorn: Now, where were we?
Eowyn: WAAAAAAH!
Guards: (from outside) What?
Aragorn: Shhh! Shhh! Oh dear. (loudly) Uh... Don't cry Gimli, I'm sure everything will be alright!
Gimli: WHAT?
Eowyn: WAAAAAAH!
Aragorn: Ssshh!
Guards: <snicker>
Gimli: (quietly) Grrrrrr... you owe me big time.
Eowyn: Waaaaaah... <hiccup>
Aragorn: I'm sorry! I didn't mean it... it's just that Legolas was being a huge pain. Come on, princess, don't cry.
Eowyn: <sniff> I'm not a princess. I'm a shieldmaiden.
Gimli: I've been wondering about that term, does it mean you wear one of those belt things that keep you from fooling-
Aragorn: Gimli! Sheesh!
Gimli: Well I was just wondering!
Eowyn: No. It MEANS that I can ride and fight and I can beat the crap out of my brother. (To Aragorn) But I'm always getting left behind. It's not fair!
Aragorn: But you were chosen to lead your people while your Lord was away. And you accepted that duty. You can't just ride off on a whim.
Eowyn: But you don't understand! I'm gonna miss the WAR!
Aragorn: Lady Eowyn... <sigh> It may be that the war will come to you... should we fail. (looks into her eyes again) Then there will be a day when you must fight, though you stand alone before your threshold. And I know you'll fight valiantly, even if none live to sing of your deeds. (his brow crinkles and he gets a far-away look) It's as if I can see you like that, Eowyn. You're standing alone with the sun in your hair... defying the Shadow... and I can hear your sword singing.
Eowyn's Heart: [FLOPPITY FLIP!]
Eowyn's Hormones: [SWOOOSH!]
Eowyn: -----
Aragorn: (far-away look fades) Well anyhoo... (scratches his stomach) Ya wanna cuddle?
Eowyn: [SQUEAK!] [flees]
Aragorn: Sheesh! What did I say?
Gimli: <shrug> Dunno. I usually stick to the older ladies. The young 'uns are skittish.
Aragorn: Hmph.
Odd Narrator: In the grey dawn the company assembled for the next stage of their journey. Lady Eowyn came out to bid them farewell. She wore armor and spurs and bore a sword. She bought two travel mugs of mocha cappacino and offered one to Aragorn.
Aragorn: Farewell, Lady of Rohan. May your House prosper, and uhh... good fortune and all that. Tell Eomer we'll hook up!
Eowyn: Don't go!
Aragorn: I have to, Lady...
Eowyn: No you don't.
Aragorn: Yes I do, you see...
Eowyn: No you don't.
Aragorn: Yes I do.
Eowyn: No you don't.
Aragorn: Cut that out!
Eowyn: Take me with you! (Falls to her knees and latches on to his sword-hilt) Oh please!
Aragorn: Heeeeeey... hands off the sword!
Anduril: Huh? Ooooooooh... that's okay, I don't mind. Nice hands!
Eowyn: Pretty please! IpromiseIwon'tbeanytrouble andIhavemy horseallreadyand Icanridereallyfast! Please please please!
[Aragorn looks to the company for help. The twins are continuing their argument... Legolas glowers... Halbarad shrugs.]
Aragorn: (low voice) You guys are no help.
Gimli: (silently mouths three syllables: EEE... OOO... MER).
Aragorn: D'oh! Eowyn, sweetie... no. (peels fingers away) Let go... let go... let go... Oh don't! Ow! That hurts!
Eowyn: Why can't I go?
Aragorn: C'mere. (leans over) whisper whisper whisper.
Eowyn: But!
Aragorn: whisper whisper whisper
Eowyn: EEEeeeEEEHHH!
Aragorn: whisper whisper whisper
Eowyn: <POUT> Alright then... if you put it that way.
[Aragorn helps her up.]
Aragorn: Farewell, kiddo. Stay out of trouble.
Eowyn: <glower> Bye.
(Idril and Russ)
Odd Narrator: Then at last the company mounted and rode away into the cold grey morning. Though Aragorn did not look back, Gimli could see that Eowyn stood glowering at them until they passed out of sight. Before long the company passed into the shadows of Dwimmorburg, the Haunted Mountain, wherein lay the Gate of the Dead. They followed the Trail of the Dead to the Toll Booth of the Dead, past the Service Plaza of the Dead, and on toward the Souvenir Shop of the Dead until at length they passed under the Forest of the Dead and along the Stones of the Dead until they came at length to the Dimholt of the Dead where they found a Hollow Place Opening at the Mountains Root of the Dead, and right in their path...
(Russ)
Music: Du...
Odd Narrator: Not yet, and right in their path stood a Single Mighty Stone of the Dead like a Flying Fickle Finger of Doom of the Dead.
Stone: LOOM!
Gimili: My blood runs chill!
Odd Narrator: But none replied and his voice fell dead, (Duh!), on the Dank Fir Needles of the Dead at his feet. The horses would not pass the stone... um, nah, until the riders had dismounted and lead them about. And so at last they came deep into the Dale of The Dead where stood a Sheer Slab of Rock of the Dead wherein was the Door of the Dead which gaped before them like Carly Simons mouth.
Halbarad: Hoo boy! Now this is what I call an Evil door! And though my death lies beyond it, I'll pass through none the less, for I am not smart. My horse, however, is another matter.
Legolas: Let's have a picnic!
Gimli: Dude! HERE?
Legolas: Yeah, what's wrong with this place? The sun is shining, the air is clean, let's make the most of it!
Halbarad: Elves are a strange folk!
Gimli: Tell me about it, you should have been with us in Fangorn. Now THAT was strange.
Halbarad: This isn't strange?
Gimli: Oh it's strange, but this place is more of a "I know What You Did Last Summer" kind of strange while Fangorn was kind of a "Michael Jackson" strange.
Halbarad: (shudder) Speak no more of it!
Legolas: Frisbee anyone?
Aragorn: No time! Sauron is moving faster than the Gaffer's bowels, and every hour that we lose works in his favor. Saddle up everyone, we're going in!
Halbarad: Um, whisper, whisper, whisper...
Aragorn: I was speaking FIGURATIVELY! Now lets go.
[one by one they file through the door in pairs, until only Legolas remains with Arod, and of course, that font of courage, Gimli]
Arod: Nope.
Legolas: Come on, pretty please?
Arod: Nah-uh.
Legolas: You have to!
Arod: Make me!
Legolas: I'll give you a nice lump of sugar.
Arod: Hmm, Let me think, NO!
Legolas: A carrot?
Arod: No.
Aragorn: Come on Leggo! Your holding up the show!
Legolas: But he won't come!
Aragorn: Just lead him on.
Legolas: Well, if you say so. Hi there big fella, (winks at Arod), You want to make boom-boom? Me love you long time.
Arod: What the hell?
Aragorn: Legolas, That is NOT what I meant!
Arod: Nevermind, I'm coming. Just somebody PLEASE shut this guy up. Dude, you are SICK! Man this place sucks! I wish I were back in Seattle!
Legolas: It's okay, he's coming now.
Gimli: (mutters) Dead people. Why did it have to be dead people. I hate dead people. [follows others]
Wall: LOOM!
Gimli: Squeak!
Walls: LOOM-LOOM!
Gimli: SQUEAK-SQUEAK!
Walls: Snicker!-LOOMMMMMMM!!!!
Gimli: Mommy!
Dead Guys: Boo!
Gimli v.o.: Yikes! It's Dark! And what are those strange voices?
Strange voices whispering: Heeeeeeerrrrsjohnny iseedeadpeople mrs.muir,whatalovelydress braiiinsredrumredrum youwantfrieswiththat?...
Walls: LOOM,loom,LOom,LooM,loOM!!
Gimli: I wanna go hommmmmmme!
[Aragorn: cross to far wall, examines something flickering in the torchlight]
Aragorn: Well, well, well, See a penny, pick it up and all day long you'll have good luck. Look guys! I found a penny!... And a dead guy...
Gimli v.o.: Is he loony? I think the pressure's starting to get to him.
Aragorn: ... and a pretty well heeled one at that. Checkout the belt! Ooooo! Nice workmanship! You don't see this kind of quality anymore!
Gimli: Don'ttouchitDon'ttouchitDon'ttouchit!
Aragorn: But I'll just leave it here.
Gimli: SIGH!
Aragorn: I wonder what's behind this door?
Gimli: squeak!
Aragorn: I guess I'll never know though, 'CAUSE THAT AIN'T WHY I'M HERE! KEEP YOUR SECRETS... secret! (shrugs) And your hoards... um... oh what the hell, hoarded! Speed only do we ask, and the good kind! Not the stuff that makes you all jittery and paranoid! And let us pass and then come for I summon you to...
Music: DUM-DUM-DUMMMMMM!
Aragorn: The Stone of Erech!
Music: Dum-DUMMMMMMM!!
(Pippin1986)
Wind: BLAST
Leggy: It's windy out today, huh?
Wind: BLAST
Torches: *pfft* (torches go out)
Leggy: Oh looks, now it's dark too. But that's okay. The dark is nice. Nice dark. I like it gloomy like this, don't you Gimli?
Gimli: Um, Leggy?...
Leggy: What?
Gimli: (to Aragorn) WHY didn't we leave him somewhere?
Aragorn: We need his bow.
Gimli: (mutter) That elf has gone completely loopy! All of a sudden he likes dark closed-in-spaces, likes the dark, thinks all this gloominess about is nice... what's wrong with him?
Leggy: Hey, why don't we sing to pass the time?
Gimli: (mutter)
Leggy: Tralalalalally
The dark is so jolly-(is all of a sudden cut off by the sound of tinkling water)
Water: tinkletinkletinkle
Gimli: Hey, listen, water.
(company passes through a gateway on the path.)
Leggy: Guess what?
Gimli: What?
Leggy: The dead are following us!
Gimli: Great.
leggy: I know! Aragorn, can we invite them over for some tea and cookies?
Gimli: (sigh)
Leggy: Look, I can see them! Oooo I see shapes. They have horses and banners and everything!
Elladan: Yes, they are following us. They have been summoned.
(Russ)
[The company rides out of the ravine, Aragorn in the lead, with The Dead following behind]
Legolas: (singing) ... you might want to sing it note for note, Don't Worry, Be-Happy...
Gimli: Nothing personal man, but that is the most annoying song I have ever heard!
Legolas: (looks at Gimli, sings louder) In every life we have some trouble...
Elladan: ... But when you worry you make it Double
Don't Worry - Be Happy (snicker!)
Gimli: Elves! Where in Middle Earth are we anyway?
Elladan: D'oh!
Elrohir: Not again.
Elladan: Sorry. Do we have to tell Dad?
Elrohir: Oh, I suppose not . But Gimli is bound to say something, you how the tongues of Dwarfs are once they get wound up.
Elladan: It's okay, I got it covered. AHEM. You see master Gimli, we have descended from the mighty uprising of ... Morthond?
Elrohir: (subtle nod)
Elladan: Yes, Morthond, the long, chill river that snakes it's way unerringly down from the hills and through valley and dale... (to Elrohir): how'm I doing so far?
Elrohir: (whispers) Good, good, keep going.
Elladan: ... and finally, at length ends up flowing ever outward to the sea that washes the walls of... um...
Elrohir: Dol Amroth...
Elladan: Dol Amroth. You will not need to ask of its name, for it is called Blackroot by men.
Elrohir: Nice job.
Elladan: Thanks.
Gimli: Blackroot? What the heck kind of name is that for a river? It sounds more like a medical condition, Blackroot fungus, or Blackroot's syndrome, Or maybe Dr. Blackroot's herbal tea, but not a river!
Elladan: (Shrugs)
Aragorn: Alright everyone, quit flappin' your gums, as my old Gaffer used to say, and Ride! We must come to the Stone of Erech before this day passes, or we'll get lost seeing as we HAVE NO MAPS!
Elladan: On MAN!
Elrohir: Sorry dude, but you gotta admit, the guy is good!
Elladan: (sigh) Yeah.
(Russ and SilliMarilli)
Odd Narrator: And so the company charged onward into the deepening gloom of evening with The Dead running like hell to keep up, weighed down as they were by tie-dye t-shirts, CD anthologies, black lights, autographed photos, and Ben and Jerry's. It was their own fault though, if they hadn't broken their oath and sold out to the Establishment after Woodstock they wouldn't be here! Serves 'em right too I say! But then again, maybe it's a good thing that they did, after all, if they had kept their oath in the first place then maybe Middle Earth would have to listen to Dylan's music being sung by Bob himself (*shudder*) and then how would Aragorn...
Aragorn: HEY! Gettin' a little ahead of yourself aren't ya?
Odd Narrator: Sorry.
Aragorn: Just stick to the story okay? I think Concise is still around here somewhere!
Odd Narrator: Um, sorry. Won't happen again. Anyhow, on they went, through the valley and past hamlet and house, farmer and hunter...
Farmer: Oh, here they come again! Don't those guys ever get tired of trysting around that stinkin' ugly stone!
Huntsmen: It's an eyesore it is! Looks as if someone took a giant dump right in the center of our little hill of Erech!
Farmer: And what with all those damn Dead a-stompin and a-thrashin' all around about it, well, you can't get anything to grow there, that's for sure!
Huntsman: To say nothing of the mess! Ale cans, and bottles, and half smoked doobies, and old Hornburger coffee stirrers scattered all about!
Farmer: And the jam sessions all night long, how's a body supposed to get any sleep?
Huntsman: And what are we supposed to do? Run 'em off? Nooooo, we have to run around like a bunch of little girlie men from the Haight-Ashbury saying The Dead! The Dead! and holding up small flames and wavin' them in the air. It ain't fittin'!
Farmer: And what for? THEY'RE THE DEAD! What are they gonna do? Come in and ask us to help them use their music to sell horse-wains made by the Easterlings? I don't care if they ARE more reliable! We ain't no baby-boomers!
Huntsman: Here-here! I'll be glad when they're gone!
Farmer: Well, there's a living fella leading 'em this time so maybe it's the last we'll see of 'em. Good riddance I say!
Bells: BONG-BONG-BONG...
Huntsmen: There's the bells, come on, let's go lock up.
[the company rides up to the Stone of Erech]
Gimli: This means something...
Elrohir: Hey Aragorn, catch! (tosses him a silver horn)
Aragorn: (blows horn) Rooty-toot-toot!
[in the distance a moose answers]
Aragorn: (looks at Elrohir)
Elrohir: (shrugs)
Aragorn(shakes his head) Alrighty then. Dead guys, listen up. I suppose you're wondering why I called you all here tonight, well, for starters...
The Dead: To fulfill our oath and give us peace?
Aragorn: Um, yeah actually, that's right. Now, I am going down to...
The Dead: Does that mean we can't party around the rock anymore?
Aragorn: I'm afraid so yes. Now, as I was saying, I am going to go down to Pelargir upon the Anduin and you will come after me.
Jerry The Dead: Um, I have a question?
Aragorn: Yes?
Jerry: Are we gonna have to walk or do we get horses?
Aragorn: Horses?
Jerry: Yeah, that's a long way to go, you don't expect us to walk all that distance do you?
Aragorn: Well, I'm afraid so, you see the horses won't...
Jerry: And what about per-diem?
Aragorn: Per-diem?
Jerry: Well that's a long way to travel and you don't think we're paying our own way do you? And then there's the studio fees, security, lighting, sound equipment, advertising, insurance, agent and lawyer's fees, licensing, permits...
Pigpen The Dead: And don't forget the Evian water and M&Ms.
Aragorn: M&Ms?
Pigpen: Yeah, man, but no brown ones though, yechhh!
Aragorn: (*blink*)
Pigpen: Hey, if it's good enough for Mariah and Britney...
Aragorn: You're not GETTING paid, you're The DEAD!
Jerry: Yeah, but we still have our dignity!
Aragorn: What dignity? You are all of you Oath Breakers! If you had a shred of dignity in you at all you wouldn't have sold out in the first place!
Jerry: Well now you're just being rude.
Aragorn: (sigh) Okay, I'm sorry. Look, if you'll just follow me and do as I say, as soon as the land is clean of...
Jerry: Whoa! Now nobody said nothin' about having to clean anything! If it's maids you want, try the Shire. I hear they're a tidy folk. As for us, we have better things to do. What do you say children? Kool-Aid Electric Acid Test at the Stone?
The Dead: (General murmurs of assent)
Jerry: Sorry man, we can't help you, we've got plans.
Arasgorn: Look, there isn't going to BE any CLEANING! Just a lot of frightening and maybe some killing. But only if you're comfortable with that. Mostly it'll just be a lot of frightening and stuff. Is that okay?
Jerry: Hmmm. And after everything's finished you'll release us from our oath and allow us to disband and pursue our individual musical interests?
Aragorn: That would be the plan, yes.
Jerry: Forever?
Aragorn: YES. FOR-EV-ER!
Jerry: Wellllll, we'll have to talk it over first.
Aragorn: You what?!? Whatever, just could we PLEASE get on with this?
Jerry: Be right back. (goes over to other Dead)
The Dead: murmurmurmurmurmur-no per diem- murmurmurmurmurmur- no promotional contracts- murmurmurmurmurmur- small venues- murmurmurmurmurmur- returning to our musical roots- murmurmurmurmurmur- for ever and ever and ever- murmurmurmur- All in favor? (most of The Dead raise their hands)- Opposed? (three) Undecided? (one).
Jerry: Yeah, John?
John: I think I should probably check with Yoko first.
Jerry: (*blink*) All right then, the motion's carried. (returns to Aragorn) Far out, man! We'll do it! Get on the school-bus children!
(Russ)
Odd Narrator: And so the Last Great Alliance of Men and The Dead was formed.
Halbarad: BEHOLD!
Odd Narrator: And with that, a great flag was unfurled and on it was wrought... nothing? Hey, what gives?
Halbarad: Sorry 'bout that, I've got the iron-ons in my pack. I'll take care of it first thing in the morning!
Aragorn: See that you do, for I am ELESSAR! ISILDUR'S HEIR OF GONDOR!!!
Music: DUN-DUNNNNNNN!
The Dead: Yeah, He does have his hair, got the same chin too. Pretty good likeness actually.
Odd Narrator: And so with everything finally IRONED out!
Halbarad: Sorry.
Odd Narrator: The company at last made camp, but there was little sleeping so close to the stone for The Dead were trysting the night away.
Everyone: GROAN!
Odd Narrator: Dawn... dawned, cold and pale. everyone was up and ready save for The Dead who were up all night partying, but Aragorn roused them and led them all on their path. No mortal men could have put up with their shenanigans save the Dunadan of the north, for they had spent much time among the hobbits and were really quite used to it by now. And of course Legolas and Gimli the Dwarf.
(Idril)
The Dead:
Busted - down on Bourbon Street
Set up - like a bowling pin
Knocked down - it gets to wearing thin
They just won't let you be
You're sick of hanging around and you'd like to travel
Tired of travel, you want to settle down
I guess they can't revoke your soul for trying
Get out of the door - light out and look all around
Sometimes the light's all shining on me
Other times I can barely see
Lately it occurs to me
what a long strange trip it's been
(Russ)
Odd Narrator: They passed Tarlang's Neck and Lamedon's collarbone and in all the towns and villages they saw no one at all, for the circus was in town and it was very nice.
And the next day there came no dawn, and the Grey Company passed on into the Darkness of...
Music: DUN-DUNDUNDUN-DA-DUNNNNNNN!!!
Odd Narrator: The Storm of Mordor!
Russ: I think that's the end of...
Music: DUN-DUN-DUNNNNNN!
Russ: Chapter 2.
Banner of Dol Amroth: [really waving] Good morning everyone. Hope you had pleasant dreams.