(Meri)
Odd Narrator: Two days later, the army of the West was gearing up to go commit suicide. There was a sudden rush to the many law offices specializing in last wills on the third circle of Minas Tirith and the lower east side of circle two, known as the "red light" district... due to the bright glare from Mt. Doom that happened to fall there... well, lets just say it was a busy two days.
Pippin: Huh? Why was that busy?
Odd Narrator: [whisper, whisper]
Pippin: Oh great, now you tell me... I gotta go to war!
Odd Narrator: Ahem... Anyway, all the bad guys had pathetically fled in terror and it was a straight shot to Mordor on the road. Everything was all ready to go, Legolas and Gimli decided they missed the close contact they'd had on their journey and decided to go together again. They exchanged class rings and then of course no one would try and ask if they could ride with either one...
Legolas: Hey... we're not going steady!
Gimli: What kind of perv narrator are you anyway?
Odd Narrator: I'm just going from the teleprompter...
Reporters: SNICKER
Legolas: [grabs Geraldo at the collar] SO! You've been rumor mongering again?
Wolf, Ashley, and MaryLou: [Cower behind Narrator.]
Geraldo: Just doing my job... OW... trying to get the scoop... Uh... that blade is...
Legolas: Do you think he needs vocal chords?
Gimli: HRUMPH... [snicker]
Odd Narrator: I think they have immunity... war correspondents.
Legolas: Ya see this? [whips out AK]
AK: Hi guys... [CAA CHINK]
Legolas: It has a night scope, and precision hair trigger accuracy!
Geraldo: [gulp]
Legolas: Unless you want to be missing some cajones come lunch time... I suggest you get lost.
Pippin: [snicker] You said cajones.
Merry: [rolls eyes] You just learned that word.
Pippin: [snork] Well, it's still funny! When they're not mine at risk anyway... [shudder]
Odd Narrator: So all the reporters scurried off to the part of the army that was farthest from Legolas and Gimli. Legolas and Gimli were, as I said, riding together. Gandalf called shotgun in the minivan caravan with Aragorn and the Dunedain with the sons of Elrond driving the only extendo-van they could find.
But Merry, to his shame couldn't go.
Merry: PWHA! To my shame! They're going in a long row of minivans of course I'm not going!
Aragorn: Aren't you depressed and sad because you can't come with us?
Merry: Well, I get to rest up, and chit chat with surviving royalty and you get to head to a suicidal battle in minivans... hmmmm... nope, not depressed. Maybe if you were driving Monster Trucks or something... but minivans [snicker] nope!
Pippin: Well, if it will help you get into character... I'm going, but they're making me sit in a car seat in the back on account that I don't meet height requirements for the airbag.
Merry: Oh brother! I am even more glad I don't get to go now... car seat?
Gandalf: You know, minivans are quite useful, they have adjustable seats, various air conditioning outlets, quite a few cup holders, and grocery bag holders to keep our gear in place in the back.
Merry: [snicker] What eveah! I am embarrassed for you.
Pippin: Well, now I am getting depressed.
Beregond: Pip, don't be downcast... here is some doughnuts and OH... you get promoted to Private Pippin, first class. Here's a new helm for you! Check it out.
Pippin: COOL! Doughnuts! [scarf] [looks up, licking lips] Cool helm... all shiny and OOOHHH! Lookie it has all the exciting colors of Gondor, and little hey... [whisper, whisper] Whoo hoo!
Beregond: Yeah... naked ladies on the side too.
Pippin: [puts on helm] How does that look? [poses]
Beregond: You look just like all the other cool soldiers of Gondor, well except that you're a lot shorter.
Pippin: [smiles] Well, bye Merry, hope you get better! I'm off to kill some Orc!! WHAHOOO!
Merry: Hey, now I am getting kind of sad... [eyes mist up] I want a helm like that too, mine was just plain.
Pippin: Nope, you have to stay behind! It is my turn to be all big and famous and stuff. You've already stolen the show with killing the Witch King and all... what will they think about me in the Shire if I don't go do something brave.
Merry: Well, you did already do the sneaky unloose your bonds thing back with the Uruk-hai.
Pippin: But then I kinda blew it with the whole dead guy in Moria... so that makes it back to nothin...
Gandalf: And don't forget your encounter with the Palantir...
Pippin: See... I need to redeem myself. You're set.
Merry: No, just my arm... dang this cast itches.
Aragorn: But try not to be so sad Merry, we all signed it. It will be worth a lot of money once all us heroes go get killed. Don't worry, you'll have your chance to fight when we are all dead and the bad guys descend upon you.
Merry: You're so upbeat. Thanks.
Aragorn: No prob. Alright... let's LOAD UP! [pushes car keys]
Black minivan: [bleep bleep... unlock]
Aragorn: That is a cool feature! [pushes car keys]
Black minivan: [Vrrrooomm, vrooooom]
Aragorn: I just love that... did you see that Legolas? I can start the car from over here!
Elrohir: Hey, mine doesn't do that? [looks at keys]
Aragorn: Yeah, only the upgraded, cool Kingly minivans do that... you have the extendo-van.
Pippin: Well, if we were going in a Kingly fashion shouldn't we be driving a nice carriage, or maybe some matching SUV's?
Aragorn: Wasn't in the budget, minivans are it. You know the little woman is going to love these, I hope we don't all die. [pushes keys... bleep, bleep, bleep... doors open] COOL!
Odd Narrator: So the group piled into the minivans like teams headed to a soccer camp and drove off with the horses and walkers in their dust. The trumpets rang for a few moments before all the trumpeters began coughing with all the dust, but the army got the message and started to follow.
Merry was feeling blue now, as he liked Pippin's new helm, and all his friends had received their choice of CD's with the purchase of the minivans, and he only had 8 tracks up in Minas Tirith. He watched the minivans driving off in the dust, seeing Pippin chuck the beanie helm out the window when he was far away. His arm began to hurt as the sun shone on it... and he wondered if he had a rash under the cast as it was so itchy. Gerbil... I mean... Bergil stood beside Merry and was sad also. For his father had gone with the company, and now he was a lone pre-teen in a wild empty city...
Bergil: Whoo hoo! Let's go have a party!
Merry: Party?
Bergil: Don't worry, I heard what the doctor prescribed for you to get feeling better. Besides the minivans of Minas Tirith will return, they're always clogging up the streets come Friday afternoons. And with Aragorn driving, they'll make good time. I hear he has a lead foot.
Merry: Okay, lets go find some party action!
(Silarien)
Odd Narrator: By midday the company arrived in Osgiliath and set about fixing things.
Craftsmen: Tote dat barge! Lif' dat bridge!
Worker #1: I'm gathering stores. I've got WalMart, Sears and Harrods.
Worker #2: I'm collecting booty. I've got Venus de Milo and the Mona Lisa.
Worker #3: I'm throwing up.
Worker #2: Defences?
Worker #3: No, I'm too ill.
Odd Narrator: The leaders moved through the ruins and onto the road leading to Minas Morgul. Here the foot soldiers rested, but the riders and minivans carried on.
Horses: How come we don't get a rest too? My hooves are killin' me.
Odd Narrator: [whispering] Because no-one else can understand horses.
Horses: That would explain a lot.
Black minivan: Wuss's. I can go on and on and on and on and on and on [brrrrrrr].
Horses: You certainly can. Hey, narrator, you said nobody could understand us.
Odd Narrator: That's right.
Horses: [snort]
Odd Narrator: They finally stopped at a cross-roads. The silence was eerie, as if nature itself was listening.
Tree: Can you hear anything?
Leaf: Not a thing. What about you, Blade?
Blade: Quiet as the grave, init?
Stone: Eh?
Odd Narrator: Aragorn set trumpeters at each of the four roads.
Trumpets: ROOOTYTOOOTYTOOOTYTOOT
Tree: I can hear something now.
Stone: Even I can hear that, and my battery's flat!
Trainee Heralds: HEAR YE, HEAR YE. THIS LAND IS THE PROPERTY OF THE LORDS OF GONDOR AND THEY DAMN WELL WANT IT BACK!
Did we do that right? Can we use Town Cryer stuff? Are we allowed to swear? Come on, let's have some feedback here.
Mike: BLAAXXAAAEAEARWWWAR
Leaf: I think I preferred the quiet.
Blade: Yes, I love a peaceful, rural... ARGH, BOOT [squish]
Odd Narrator: The hideous orc head, set upon the old king's statue, was thrown down.
Orc Head: Hideous? I'm shattered.
Odd Narrator: And the old king's head was restored to it's rightful place.
Old King's Head: My, this is better... Hang on... Just a minute, you lot. I'm on back-to-front... Oh, well. I'll probably get fixed again in another thousand years or so. Now where's that short guy with the big baby blues?
Labourer: [scrubbing] Typical, I come along for a fight, and end up cleaning orc graffiti off statues. Some of these are quite, er, good. 'Gornach is a slag - Gornach', 'In your dreams, Gornach. Nobody's that desperate - Grimbutt'.
[Meanwhile... ]
Imrahil: I vote we bring down Minas Morgul and enter Mordor by the side door.
Gandalf: No. We should go straight to the Northern Gate.
Imrahil: And drive right up to the enemy's massed armies. Why?
Gandalf: 'Cos I said so.
Imrahil: Is that it? Is that the only reason I get?
Gandalf: You want reasons? Okay, how about these. The pass to the side door is very narrow and unlit. I'm claustrophobic and scared of the dark.
Imrahil: You'd rather take on Sauron's masses than go into a dark tunnel? I don't buy that.
Gandalf: Well if you want more reasons, how do you suppose we're gonna get our minivans up that incline? Do we go back for four-wheel-drives?
Aragorn: There's no way me and Black are parting company just yet.
Gandalf: Okay, then. We'd better get moving. Pick out a few archers to watch the southern road.
Odd Narrator: The chosen archers snuck off into the woods to lie low and play some poker. The rest of the vanguard drove and rode to the head of the Morgul Vale.
Vale: Go away. I don't feel up to visitors today. I'm depressed and I've got a really bad feeling.
Air of Vale: Shut up whining, Vale. Of course you're depressed, you're a valley. Let me demonstrate how to handle the enemy: GET LOST GONDORIANS. I HATE YOUR GUTS!
Aragorn: This is an evil place. Break the bridge and burn the fields.
Vale: Gee, thanks Air, I just knew I was going to have a bad day.
(aneya26)
Odd Narrator: As the caravan of minivans rolled off into the distance, their 'Mordor or Bust' signs began to go out of view.
Window: [Veee... verrr... veee... verrr] Whee heee! This is fun! Up and down, up and down.
Naked Lady #1 on Helm: Don't you just love the feel of the wind through your hair?
Naked Lady #2 on Helm: ACK. NO! And keep your mouth closed. You don't want and bugs in your teeth.
Naked Lady #1: Or anywhere else more... uncomfortable.
#1 & #2: Tehe!
Aragorn: PIPPIN!! Would you quit playing with the power windows!
Pippin: [snerf] No! And you can't make me. [sticks out tongue]
Window: [Veee... verrr... veee... veerrrr] Uh oh, kiddy. I'm getting a little car sick.
Gandalf: [snicker] Hey Pippin. You think that's cool. Watch this! I can move the window with my MIND!!! HU HA!
Aragorn: Would you two cut it out! I'm trying to drive here.
Pippin: [pouts, then proceeds to kick the back of Aragorn's chair]
Driver's Seat: [boot] Ow... would you... Eee... stop... Ouch... tormenting... Ouff... me!! JUST GREAT! Now I've got a wedgy!
Aragorn: Stop it, Pippin! Don't make me stop this family vehicle. I'll smack you so hard your eyes will pop out of your head!
Gandalf: Hehe. I could do that with my mind, too!
Pippin: SQUEAK!
Legolas: Gimli, stop touching me!!
Gimli: [holding his finger within a half of an inch away from Legolas' cheek] I'm NOT touching you.
AK: Okay, back off lawn ornament, or I'll be touchin' YOU!!
Aragorn: Hey! Twiddle Dee and Twiddle Dumb, knock it off! Don't make me turn this van around, so help me!
Pippin: [punches Gandalf] Punch bug dead Orc, no reflex.
Gandalf: Blast you and your wretched Shire car games!
Pippin: Neener, Neener, Neee... he... ner.
Gimli: Hello fellow caravaners! There's a full moon risin'! [pulls pants down]
Legolas: Hey fellas! Check out these! [pulls up his shirt]
Aragorn: [slams brakes]
Van: Whoooaaa Nelly! [screech]
Aragorn: THAT'S IT!!!! Everybody out! You're all walking the rest of the way to your doom!
(Russ)
Odd Narrator: The day after, being the third day, not the second, for that had passed, not the fourth, for that day was yet to arrive and, although not altogether unlooked for, was still somewhat expected being as it was the fourth day and would, under most circumstances, follow the third day, of which this day was, being the day after the day after the day they left Minas Tirith, but, as has already been stated, was still most assuredly NOT the fourth day, they began their northward march along the road.
It was to be a really long march, something like eleventy-two miles by Shire Reckoning, the Shire being the only place in Middle-Earth where Eleventy is actually reckoned as anything at all. Anyway, they went openly, figuring that trying to hide seven-thousand soldiers plus horses, baggage train, camp followers, media contingent, etc... would be impossible. And considering that their principal enemy was a gigantic, lidless, flaming eye whose entire thought was bent on their destruction, it was a reasonable assumption to make. They did take the precaution of sending mounted scouts out before them and others on foot upon either side, but most especially the eastward flank, for there lay the incorrigible, dark thickets, shameless rocky ghylls and of course, and the always dreaded, crags. Gotta have crags. and behind it all clambered the grim slopes of Ephel Duath. Why they were clambering was anybody's guess. That's just how the story goes.
The weather remained fair with a high pressure ridge holding a cold front in the north allowing for scattered showers, occasionally heavy with clearing to partly cloudy skies over Minas Morgul. Highs for mid-day were expected to be in the seventies, dropping to an over-night low of 52 and down into the upper thirties at the higher elevations.
Ever and anon Gandalf would let blow the trumpets and the Heralds would cry, they were such babies. Then they would shout:
Heralds: U-S-A! U-S-A!
Imrahil: Nay, shout not U.S.A., for it is an annoying chant and the world is really getting tired of it. I mean REALLY! The hockey game was over twenty years ago! Let's give it a rest already. Try something different, how about: King Elessar is come! Let all leave this land or yield them up!
Aragorn: I like it. I has a pleasing ring to it.
Odd Narrator: And so the heralds proclaimed the coming of the King. And because the sight of seven thousand plus men marching and riding in broad daylight wasn't enough to get everyone's attention, they proclaimed it not once, not even twice, but three, count 'em, three times a day. Because it had a "pleasing ring" to it. Hmmph!
Aragorn: It's good to be da King!
Odd Narrator: Yes, well, be that as it may, nobody answered the call. And so it went until the second day after the day they left the crossroads, being the third day... aw forget it. The army was jumped by a mighty host of orcs fully half their number. Onward they streamed, flailing wildly and screaming unintelligible gibberish about "terms of surrender" and "Peace with honor"...
Aragorn: Archers! Don't shoot until you see the whites of their flags!
Odd Narrator: It was a fierce attack and the Orcs came on hands held high over their heads in defiance and screaming their guttural battle cries of "Mercy! Mercy!" and "AGGGGGGGLLLTH!" as the arrows of Gondor found their marks. Suddenly the entire orc host hurled themselves bodily upon the ground...
Aragorn: Look out! They're going for the feet!
Odd Narrator: It was a grim sight and one to strike terror into the heart of the Army, but the Captains of the West had not been caught unawares and being informed by their scouts of the impending ambush, sent the cavalry "around back". And it was just as the enemy was going into the dreaded "spread-eagle" formation, that the cavalry arrived and trampled the orc host into a mass of bloody goo.
But the victory did little to enliven the captains.
Aragorn: Whew! That was close! We must be ever vigilant from here on out!
Gandalf: YAWN. Whatever.
Odd Narrator: And from that evening on, the Nazgul came and followed every move of the army.
Aragorn: (shaking fist at the Nazgul) Sauron, you magnificent bastard! I READ YOUR BOOK!
Odd Narrator: High they flew, out of sight of all save Legolas, and though they did not swoop low or cry out, the droppings of the winged horrors were ever falling and the dread if them could not be shaken off.
(Idril)
Elvish Narrator: Time wore away as the journey continued and the easily cowed humans became more hopeless. On the fourth week from the crossroads (six years after they left Minas Tirith), they left the disheveled dryad loveliness of Ithilien and came to the barren waste that lay before the Black Gate. They could catch a faint whiff of the dead marshes to the northwest, and descry dust devils at play in the desert that lay to the north. As the rounded the shoulder of the mountains, many of the men became... unmanned? Is this right?
[whisper from off camera]
Elvish Narrator: Oh, I get it! They became horrified by the desolation and those stupid teeth tower thingies and pulled a "Gimli".
Gimli: A WHAT?
Elvish Narrator: Yes, they were so afraid that they could not walk or ride any further. Some went mad and rolled in the dust, foaming at the mouth and braying. Just like Gimli on the Duh duh duh Paths of the Dead Neigh...
Gimli: Alright you! Let me out of this van! You're a dead elf!
Elvish Narrator: (ignoring him)... they wet themselves and cried like babies.
Aragorn: Here now! That's not right! Gimli didn't do that and neither are these men!
Elvish Narrator: They aren't?
Frightened Men: No we aren't! We just don't want to go further!
Elvish Narrator: You mean none of you wet yourselves?
Frightened Man: (raises hand) Actually I did.
Elvish Narrator: Well there ya go. <SNORK>
Aragorn: That's it! YOU'RE FIRED!
Elvish Narrator: Wha?
Aragorn: Here's a box... pack your stuff and get the hell out!
Elvish Narrator: Well... alright then. I can tell when I'm not wanted! [quickly packs up nail polish, mirror, tooth whitener, hair pretties and leaves]
Aragorn: ODD!
Odd Narrator: Yes Sir! I'm here!
Aragorn: You're not fired after all. Proceed.
Odd Narrator: Well actually I think it's your line.
Aragorn: Oh... right! (shouts to army) Frightened Men, listen up! I know you are young simple country fellows who have grown up watching "Mordor Friends" and "Mordor Survivor". So to you this place must seem like some fictional evil legend, and you're probably wondering why you wandered into such a horrible dream. Well I feel your pain... er... I mean I understand and do not blame you for being frightened. Mordor is indeed a horrible place. But if you cannot proceed, then you may still find honor. We hear that the enemy's developers are in the midst of building the world's largest shopping mall upon the island of Cair Andros. You can protect Gondor and Rohan from the influence of bland Muzak and "Gap" commercialism by taking the island and tearing down that mall!
Frightened Men: HUAH!
Odd Narrator: And thus Aragorn's leadership skills convinced many of the frightened men to follow him on to the Black Gate. Many others took heart and left in good order for Cair Andros, promising to bring designer blue jeans for all. And, since many others had been left at the crossroads, Aragorn led less than 6,000 to challenge the Black Gate of Mordor. Hey, that's only like fifty-to-one, isn't it? I don't know why everyone's so worried.
Frightened Men: SQUEAK!
Aragorn: Shhh!
(Meri)
Odd Narrator: The army now advanced slowly, tiptoeing along, not sending out scouts as the Eagle Scouts had all chickened out and the ones left hadn't got their merit badges on stealth yet. The last night was very creepy and they all scrounged around for firewood to keep it as lit up as possible, since they figured they were watched anyway, might as well. No one could sleep for the things hiding and peeking out of the bushes.
Warg #1: Okay, you see those guys in blue, their backs are turned... head over there and creep around just enough to get them all bent out of shape... and I'll howl, it totally freaks these armies out.
Warg #2: Do we let them see us?
Warg #3: How do we know if they are all creeped out?
Warg: #1: Haven't you guys ever been prowling before? Sheesh... it's all instinct... just try it.
Warg #2: [pant, pant, heeh, heeh, heeh, licks chops]
Dangeelar: [ears perk, hair stands on end] Uh... Fidigidgit... didja' hear that?
Fidigidgit: [looking around] Well, now that you mention it, it sounded like someone breathing really heavy...
Dangeelar: Uh... where'd that MaryLou and Antonlick go?
Fidigidgit: You don't think they're...
Dangeelar: I'll bet you 10 pence...
Fidigidgit: You're on, MaryLou doesn't mess around with the likes of... [ears perk]
Warg #3: [groooowwwlll]
Dangeelar: I'll up that to 15... Antonlick's a growler...
Fidigidgit: I think that was more like a wolf... [they both get wide eyed] [CLING to each other]
Warg #2: [snicker]
*** Across the camp ***
Pippin: NOOOOOOOOO! STOP IT...
Aragorn: Just let me...
Pippin: Ouch, you're pinching!
Aragorn: I'm sorry, but you really have to sit still...
Pippin: I don't want to sit still, I've been sitting still all day in the stupid car seat, and I want to... OUCH!
Aragorn: IT JUST WON'T... UGGGHHH!
Pippin: WWWWAAAAAAHHHHHOOOOOOWWWIIEEEEEEEEE STOOOOOPPPP!
Aragorn: Wait... oh there we go... OH look it just slides...
Pippin: Thank Goodness! That feels a lot better!
Aragorn: Well, next time you sneak up and yell "BOO" to people who are already creeped out and suffering from Paths of the Dead flashbacks, you'll remember not to do it to Gimli.
Pippin: Well, he didn't have to leave me hanging, hooked up here on the side of the minivan like that! Hey look at my nice uniform, it's all crinkled and has grease on it now... [pout]
Aragorn: [snicker] Actually, I only wish the press had not been too afraid of Legolas to come over and get a shot of it, I think Merry would've gotten a good laugh out of that.
Pippin: Dang, did it just get cold?
Aragorn: [shiver] Yeah... it did, and WHEW... what is that smell?
Pippin: OH sorry, that was me... meatloaf last night.
[they walk over to Gandalf, Gimli and Legolas by a fire]
Gandalf: Learn your lesson yet Foolofatook?
Pippin: [pout] Yeah, I guess so, I hate bein' little though. I never get to do anything cool and heroic.
Gandalf: Well, Merry, Frodo and Sam are little and they're pretty heroic.
Pippin: [glare] Thanks, now I am an extra small loser. [puts his hand up to his forehead making an L]
Gandalf: Don't worry, you'll get to be brave later on... Oh, look the sun is rising. The wind has begun to blow... and hey, all those creepy night-walkers have vanished.
Gimli: There were creepy nightwalkers out there?
Gandalf: Didn't you hear them... making your hair prickle, shiver down your spine... saying "BOO" on occasion.
Gimli: I thought it was just Pippin.
Legolas: See, I told you there was nothing to be afraid of, well yet.
Odd Narrator: So the army got up from it's restless night, and were as grumpy as all get out because they didn't get enough sleep. There was much whining and complaining as the breeze blew in the whiff of vile stink from the newly restored Natural Vomit Habitat that was home to the Endangered Maggot-Folk of Mordor. And they approached the Towers of Teeth and the Black Gate grumbling about the EPA and how the Maggot-Folk were hindering the progress of growth and infringing on the rights of Private Property owners, they completely forgot how nervous they all were until they got right up to the door. Then all was silent as they came to the end of their folly realizing this was the day they would die.
[SILENCE]
Odd Narrator: [whispering] And they realized now that they arrived, that they had no way to get in. [SILENCE]
Aragorn: [whispering] What? You don't have the keys?
Gandalf: [whispering] I thought you had them?
Aragorn: [whispering] NO, I specifically remember giving them to you... did you check every pocket in your robe?
Gandalf: [whispering] Yes, I don't have them... Pippin, did you take my keys?
Pippin: [whispering] NO, I swear, why do you always accuse me...
Gandalf: [whispering] Remember the Palantir?
Pippin: [whispering] Well, I didn't steal your keys. They didn't offer me Ice Cream like the Palantir did.
Gandalf: [whispering] They offered you something?
Pippin: [whispering] Yeah...
Gandalf: [Eyebrows do a high step]
Pippin: [whispering] Hairspray.
Gandalf: [whispering] LEGOLAS? [stomps over to Legolas] Do you have the keys?
Legolas: [whispering] No, of course not... didn't you read the script... we have to just wait until the creepy stinky breath guy comes out... you have to ring the bell.
Aragorn: [whispering] I knew I'd need that script I leant to Eowyn... she just kept giving me these sad eyes... [looks at the others] Well, c'mon characters with names come to the front so we can see the action.
Odd Narrator: So Aragorn with the sons of Elrond at his side, Gandalf going over his parlay notes, Eomer, Imrahil and Legolas and Gimli followed by Pippin all walked up to the front door of Mordor, and Aragorn cued the banner guys.
Banner Guys: OKAY UNFURL [banner unfurls] [cue trumpeters and heralds]
Trumpets: TOOT TOOT TOOT TOOOOOOOOT
Heralds with their Bullhorns: DING DONG... OH HOST OF MORDER? OPEN UP, WE'RE HERE TO FIGHT YA'LL AND WHOOP YOUR EVIL BEHINDS, PLUS WE NEED TO GET BACK AT YOU FOR WRECKING OUR NICE GATE!
[SILENCE]
Aragorn: [whispering to Gandalf] Do you think they could hear that okay?
Gandalf: [whispering] Yeah, Sauron is just playing with us, kind of like how a big ol' cat playing with a mouse before he breaks our necks and munches us alive.
Aragorn: EEEWWWW, that's gross.
Gandalf: Yeah, but a good analogy for what's about to happen.
Odd Narrator: Suddenly the Black Gate was thrown open with a big clang, and out came an embassy from the Dark Tower. The leader of the pack was riding a big black horse and had those flamy eye things going on... with cool creepy horror flick special effects... he looked a lot like the Ringwraiths, but was only really the Witch King's younger cousin twice removed on his mother's side... his name was Louie, but even he had forgotten it as they only called him the Mouth of Sauron.
(Russ)
Mouth of Sauron: Ho-Ho-Ho! You gotta be kiding me. This is it? This is the best you could do? Oh man, oh man, you have no idea of the trouble you are in. Oh well, I suppose we had better get the formalities out of the way, (to Aragorn), and don't worry, I'll use small words so you can understand.
Aragorn: (looks relieved)
M.O.S.: Who's in charge here? You there... (indicates Aragorn)
Aragorn: (points to his chest and raises his eyebrows)
M.O.S.: Yeah you, is that a piece of glass on your head or are you just glad to see me?
Evil Contingent: HAR-HAR-HAR!
M.O.S.: What a shmuck!
Odd Narrator: Aragorn said naught in answer, but he took the other's eye and held it...
M.O.S.: OWWWWWW! HEY! CUT THAT OUT! IT HURTS!
Pippin: Oh yuck!
Gandalf: Really Aragorn, that is going a bit farther than...
M.O.S. LET GO! I AM A HERALD AND NOT TO BE ASSAILED!
Legolas: Yeah, Dude, I mean really...
Aragorn: (Leans in close to M.O.S. and whispers) Never call me a schmuck! (lets go)
Gandalf: Oh you haven't been assailed, not yet. You'll know when you've been assailed, and it won't be your eye getting crushed in an iron grip... if you take my meaning.
M.O.S.: (starts looking a little peekid)
Gandalf: Don't worry man, your package is safe for now. But once your errand is finished, well lets just say the only wood you and your buddies will be sporting will be at the driving range, if you take my meaning!
(Idril)
Mouth: (recovering his dignity) So you are the spokesman for this group, old fag?
Gandalf: Well I suppose, but I'm technically not a fag you know.
Mouth: Long have we watched you playing the nosey neighbor, peeking over my Lord's fence, popping by Dol Guldor on the pretense of wanting to borrow a cup of sugar... even listening in on his portable phone conversations! But now your poking and prying has gone too far. Thou shalt see what happens to fools foolish enough to try to uh... fool Sauron the Great! I bear tokens that I was bidden to show to thee!
Gandalf: Tokens? You know those aren't redeemable for cash, only for video games.
Mouth: Not that kind of token... (grabs a brown paper bag from his guard) This kind of token! (Opens it up.) ARRRGGH! Not this kind of token either, that's your lunch. Where are the tokens?
Guard: That's what you get for grabbing, sheesh! Here. (hands over a bundle wrapped in black velvet)
Pippin: Did someone say lunch?
Imrahil: Shuuush!
[Mouth unwraps the bundle]
Mouth: Behold! We have captured Calvin Klein! (holds up Frodo's underpants)
Pippin: SQUEAK!!
Company: ???
Mouth: And I must say this Klein fellow has eclectic tastes (holds up Sam's sword, Frodo's cloak and the mithril shirt)
The Captains: [GULP]
Everyone's Hearts: [CLUNK]
Pippin: Ow, Imrahil, stop grabbing my bum!
Mouth: Aha! You have another of the little rodents with you. I can't imagine what use you find for them. To send them on an evangelistic mission into Mordor was the height of folly, for we know that Scientology is just a silly cult that believes in space aliens! Still, with this one along you cannot deny that these tokens are familiar to you.
Gandalf: I do not wish to deny them. I know those underpants well. What of it?
Mouth: Dwarf blade, Elf shirt, Cloak of the downfallen West, and underpants of unknown manufacture...
Guard: *ahem*
Mouth: What?
Guard: whisper...
Mouth: (quietly) What did I say?
Guard: whisper...
Mouth: Oh, crap! (aloud) Dwarf cloak, Elf blade...
Guard: *ahem!* whisper...
Mouth: Never mind then! All these things speak of a conspiracy!
Gandalf: Not necessarily.
Mouth: What?
Gandalf: He could have stolen them you know... hobbits are notorious thieves.
Pippin: We are not!
Gandalf: They lie a lot too.
Pippin: Hmmmph!
Mouth: IN ANY CASE! Perhaps this Klein is one of your boy toys?
Gandalf: I keep telling you-
Mouth: Or dear to you perhaps? Then I advise you to put your heads together, for Sauron loves spies and what-
Guard: *ahem* (whisper whisper)
Mouth: What did I say?
Guard: (whisper whisper)
Mouth: (quietly) Lord Sauron doesn't like spies? But we sent out all those-
Guard: (whisper whisper)
Mouth: Well... IN ANY CASE! The fate of Calvin Klein shall depend on your choice!
(Silarien)
Allies: [Horror-struck silence]
Mouth: BWAAAAAH HAAAAA HAAAW HEE-EEEEEE heeeeeeee [gasp] heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee [wheeze - pause to regain breath]
So, I'll tell you what we'll do to torture your little pet: we'll pluck the hairs off his feet; we'll crop the hair on his head and scare him so much it stands up on end; we'll tattoo him and force him to smoke his weed through filters; we'll put him on the rack and stretch him; we'll let the Nazgirls have their wicked way with him. Then, we might just let you see what you have done... unless you accept Sauron's terms and conditions.
Gandalf: [Looking more like Old Gray than Mighty Whitey] Name them, then.
Allies: [Gloom]
Mouth: Oh-kay [get's out a scroll and unrolls it] Washing up liquid, one pound of bacon, party pack of... Ahem, 'scuse me [searches for another scroll]
Gandalf: No problem, we can manage those terms. Might even throw in a chocolate cheesecake.
Mouth: [Opening another scroll] THESE are the terms!
You and your scrawny army of escaped lunatics will withdraw into exile a very long, long way away, but first you will sign, in triplicate and in blood, an oath that Sauron is your mostest favourite dictator, and that you will never, ever write, say or even think anything nasty about him, and that you will send him lots of presents on his... your birthdays.
East of the river is to be all Sauron's until the end of eternity and beyond, and then some.
West of the river will be his annex; a gigantic construction site. All the men there will become bricklayers or plasterers. All the women will be seamstresses, and wear short skirts to be wolf-whistled at. Isengard will be rebuilt and redecorated with candy-stripe drapes and matching duvet covers so it is suitable for Sauron's greatest Lieutenant - Me [smug grin]
Gandalf: That's rather a lot to exchange for a little rat spy, don't you think? The first list was more in proportion. Anyway, as you have his underpants, how can we be sure that the Nazgirls haven't already got him? Bring him out for us to see, Diarrhea Mouth.
Mouth: [GASP] How dare you speak to ME like that, Grandad. My boss is bigger than you. You heard his terms so, NA NA N' NA NA, take 'em or leave 'em.
Gandalf: Take this! [Throws aside his cloak]
Mighty Whitey: [FLAAAAASH]
Mouth: WHAAH, I can't see, I don't want to see.
Gandalf: [Grabs blade, cloak, shirt and underpants] We'll take these, I think. Calvin Klein stuff is very exclusive and, as you may have noticed, I could use some underpants. Now, I've had enough of listening to Sauron talking out of his rectum. He's been long in need of colonic irrigation, so go take a gargle.
Mouth: [Too angry to form words] Snarrrrl, phwyarth, ehgaragh, grhawarka...
Odd Narrator: Then the Mouth of Sauron noticed the fixed stares of the dazed captains and thought they were threatening him.
Mouth: YELP! Retreat!
Retreating Enemy Horns: HONK, HONK.
(Idril)
Odd Narrator: Then, as if from a pre-arranged signal, the enemy drums began to thrum and fires leapt up.
Enemy Drums: BOM BOM BOM
Odd Narrator: The Black Gate slowly swung open, and as the drums reached a climatic roll a single small orc came barreling out, waving his sword and shouting a battle cry.
Single Orc: BONZAIIIII!!!!???? (stops) What the f***?
Orc Host: (from inside the gate) *chortle*
Single Orc: (looking toward the gate) Hey you guyyyyys!
Orc Captain: You were just bragging that you could whip them all by yourself! Go ahead, tough guy, we'll watch from here!
Orc Host: HA! HA! HA! NYAH!!
Single Orc: Why, I-
Nazgul: SHRIEK!!! Get your asses out there before I skin the lot of you!
Orc Captain: Ooopsie! Game's over. CHARGE!
Odd Narrator: And they charged out from the Black Gate. No funny circus folks or mimes this time... just thousands of orcs pouring out like someone had overturned a huge box of cockroaches.
Pippin: Ick! I never thought of them like that before. I'm losing my appetite!
(Russ and Idril)
Legolas: What?
AK: What?
Bergil: (in MT) What?
Quickbeam: (in Fangorn) What?
Haldir: (in Lothlorien) What?
Bilbo: (in Rivendell) What?
Hobnob: (in Bree) What?
Gaffer: (in the Shire) What?
Ted Sandyman: (also in the Shire) I SAID, I didn't say anything!
Sauron: HAR-HAR-HAR-HAR!!!!
(Idril)
Odd Narrator: The captains high-tailed it back to their defensive positions atop the two slag piles. Now from the East side of the Teeth came Easterlings, and Southrons came from the West side of the Teeth. Trolls and orcs came pouring out of all the troll-holes and orc-holes in the hills that flanked the Morannon. Now Aragorn and the captains prepared for the oncoming hoard, which outnumbered their army by more than 10 to 1.
Gimli: Exactly how do you prepare for that?
Legolas: You put your head between your knees and kiss your ass goodbye.
Gimli: Riiiiight. You tall folks sure are limber.
Odd Narrator: Aragorn and Gandalf joined the Men of Gondor and the Dunadain on the Eastern hill. Surprisingly, the grim Dunadain had perked up and were actually chatting amongst themselves.
Dunadan #1: Ha! We're gonna die... I told ya.
Dunadan #2: You said it! This sure sucks!
Dunadan #1: Yeah... it sucks pretty bad. I just wished it sucked more.
Dunadan #2: Too they don't have any dragons... that would make it suck more.
Dunadan #4: Or they could shoot poison gas outta the rocks.
Dunadan #1: <shakes head sadly> I guess they can't think of everything.
Dunadan #2: Oh, look! The sun is going behind a lot of reeky fumes. Now it looks like a big red eye.
Dunadan #1: (brightening) Well that sucks!
Dunadain: <mutter agreement>
Odd Narrator: On the Western hill Imrahil and Eomer's people made their stand.
Imrahil: I'll lay odds that we don't see another sunrise.
Eomer: That's no good. How would you collect? Let's have a killin' competition instead.
Imrahil: Alright. How about, if you win you can marry my lovely daughter, Lothiriel the Limber.
Eomer: And if I lose?
Imrahil: You have to marry my sister, Thelma Twofist.
Eomer: HA! Yer on!! It ain't like we'll live anyway. Here, have a chaw. It'll give you that little extree edge. Plus if you get in a tight spot you can spit on 'em.
Imrahil: Well alright. (tentatively takes some of Eomer's Red Man).
Eomer: Good, ain't it?
Imrahil: Eeeeehhh... I suppose it's better than a gut wound.
Eomer: Damn straight! Waaaahhheeey!
Enemy Hoard: [rumble rumble rumble rumble]
Nazgul: SHRIIIIIIEEEEEK!!!!!
Dunadan #3: Oh it's the Nazgul. Now we're in for it!
Dunadain: (perking up) Yep. Now things are really starting to suck!
Pippin: Oh dear! I wish Merry was here with me! No wait... I wish I was there with him... or maybe he could be here and I could be there? Or we could both be here but really gigantic with huge bulging muscles and RPG launchers instead of puny little swords. Then we could knock that old Ralph Mouth guy off his-
Beregond: Look out!
Pippin: Holy Socks! It's trolls! Grrrrr... why trolls? I mean orcs are one thing... I can take 'em or leave 'em, you know, but-
Troll: [Whack!]
Beregond: Aaaaahhh! [bleed bleed faint]
Troll: Mmmmmm... man. Yummy.
Pippin: AS I was saying... I... DON'T... LIKE... TROLLS! [STAB!!!]
Troll: Ow.
Pippin: AURË FREAKIN' ENTULUVA ALREADY!!! [STAB!!!]
Troll: [gurgle][sway]
Pippin: Whoa! [sidle] Don't you fall on me!
Troll: [bleed][lean]
Pippin: I said... [dodge] don't fall on me!
Troll: [gurgle][topple][falls on Pippin]
Pippin: UNNGGGH! Stupid Trolls... [faint]
(Bunnie)
Odd Narrator: And with that, Pippin's thoughts fled far away and his eyes saw no more.
Pippin: What? Hey! That makes it sound like I'm dead!
Odd Narrator: Maybe you are.
Pippin: But look... my script still has all these pages left...
Odd Narrator: Ever heard of script revisions? Nothing's hard and fast: screenwriters can change their minds on a whim. Watch... Suddenly, Pippin groaned and cried out.
Pippin: (groan) Help, somebody.
Odd Narrator: See?
Pippin: But... but... but...
Odd Narrator: Your engine is running.
Pippin: They can't do that! It's not in the book that way.
Odd Narrator: And since are scripts ever exactly like the book?
Pippin: I s'pose you have a point, there. (miffed) Well, fine! I'll play dead, then. But I'm NOT gonna like it and I AM gonna come back whether they want me to or not!
Odd Narrator: Please lie back down, thanks. There's a good, dead hobbit [snicker].
Pippin: Grrrr!
(Idril)
Voices from on High: Take it eaaasy -- take it eaaaasy. Don't let the sound of your own wheels drive you crazy.
Aragorn's Army: The Eagles! The Eagles are coming!
Pippin: Oh I love them! Hey, somebody get me a teesh... uh [faint]