(Idril)
Pippin: Where are we and what is the time?
Gandalf: Ahhhh awake at last! I was beginning to have question withdrawals.
Pippin: I can't help it... Shadowfax has the same gait as my Mum's rocking chair. Ooof! No offense, 'fax!
Gandalf: It is March 7th and a hour or so before midnight. We are in the realm of Gondor, Pippin. We have far to ride before dawn comes.
Pippin: Where are we riding to tonight?
Gandalf: Gondor.
Pippin: Gotcha. <sigh> Hey, what's that? A barbecue? A dragon? Oh... maybe a dragon barbecue?
Gandalf: It is the beacon fires upon the mountains, calling all to Gondor's aid. Fly Shadowfax! Soon we'll be at war!
Pippin: War? Oh dear, I wish Treebeard was here.
Gandalf: Hrrmph! mutter... mutter... powerful wizard.... mutter mutter... but noooo... mutter mutter.
Pippin: I wonder where Frodo is too. I wish I'd watched the dailys more and not spent so many of my off days surfing.
Gandalf: It's too late to worry about that now. Go to sleep!
Pippin: Alright, but wake me when we stop and don't just pass me down to some stranger. Yesterday that guy grabbed my bum!
Gandalf: Pippin! Nobody grabbed your bum.
Pippin: Yes they...zzzzzzzzz.
(Silarien)
Pippin: [Awakening - yawn, muffled cough, splutter, hack - thinks, must kick the weed.]
Frigid Dawn: Oh dear, I seem to have that effect on most people.
Shadowfax: Not me, ma'am. I've been galloping for the last ten chapters and I'm still not our of breath [large toothy grin]
Odd Narrator: Work was being carried out on a damaged wall.
[Creak, Clink, Clank][Crack, Thunk, Spit]
[Slap, Swish, Crack]
[Thunk, Ow! S***]
And Gandalf was talking to a bunch of cloaked men. NOBODY had yet noticed that Pippin was awake.
Ingold the Leader: Mithrandir, we know who you are, even though you appear to have put too much bleach in the last wash. We also know that you know the seven secret passwords of the seven city gates...
Pippin: [Thinks, SEVEN PASSWORDS! It took him all day to get one. Bye bye breakfast.]
Ingold: ... but your very short and strange sidekick is no use to us. We need mighty warriors.
Gandalf: Umph, bravery cannot be computed by size [gets out pocket abacus and moves a few beads around] See, bad theory. If you'd been through what he has, you'd be 27 feet tall. Peregrin here is very bold.
Ingold: BALD? BWAAHAAH. Not if the feet are anything to go by.
Gandalf: Bold, as in valiant. A valiant man.
Ingold: MAN? BWAAHAAH. You do tell 'em, Mith.
Pippin: EXCUSE ME! I'm a hobbit not a man.
Ingold: Wassa hobbit?
Gandalf: A holbytian, a hole-dweller, a halfling, a short-ar**.
Ingold: A short-ar**? You mean...
Gandalf: No, not that one. This is a different one.
Pippin: But I knew that one. Oh, and another, and another. In fact I know lots of shor... hobbits. Seeing as this is Gondor, I also knew Boromir who saved me and then got punctured by dozens of arrows... GWMPH.
Gandalf: [Hand firmly clamped over Pippin's mouth] Oops.
Ingold: S'okay. We already had a hunch. Better hurry and tell his dad all about it. You do always seem to bring bad tidings, Mithrandir.
Gandalf: Well, I'm hardly likely to ride all this way just to tell you the sun's shining. It's a bit late to be mending that wall.
Pippin: Oh, look Gandalf. I can see that bricklayer's bum. Yuck, nobody would want to grab that.
Ingold: [moving swiftly to cut off unfortunate view] Heard anything from Rohan?
Gandalf: Yes, what's left of Rohan is coming. See, it's not all bad news. Aside from the overwhelming, deadly, enemy armies descending on us from all possible directions, against which our puny defenses don't stand a cat-in-ells. But don't let that keep you awake.
(Thranduilion)
Odd Narrator: Leaving behind the Rammas Echor, which translates roughly as The Big Honkin' Wall Running Ten Leagues From the Mountain's Feet, Gandalf crossed the fields of the Pelennor. There were lots of pretty things to look at, like the river Anduin snaking around the hills-
Anduin: snakesnakesnake FLLLLOOOWWWW!
Odd Narrator: -and the rich townlands, with wide tilth-
Pippin: What the H-E-double carrots is tilth?!
Odd Narrator: -with wide lands cultivated for GROWING THINGS and orchards and so on. Those living in these parts were hardly people at all-
Locals: AHEM!!!
Odd Narrator: Sorry, were a HARDY people, some of the quite short and swarthy, their blood mingled with, um, short and swarthy folk. But beyond them towards the sea dwelt Prince Imrahil-
Trumpetin' Fanfare: Da Da DAAH da da DAAH da da DAAAAAH!
Odd Narrator: -by the sea, and his blood was pure and he and his folk were tall and proud and all in all just better than the short and swarthy folk living around here because they were, um, tall, and tall is good. Yeah.
Short and Swarthy Locals: [GLARE]
Pippin: [GLARE]
Odd Narrator: Eventually Pippin roused himself yet again, because he KEPT falling ASLEEP-
Pippin: Hu-what? Oh. [GAZE IN WONDER]
Odd Narrator: -and gazed in wonder at the misty sea rising to a bleak shadow in the East, and the great mountains in the West.
Sea: [MIST] [rise] [whimper]
Mountains: [LOOM] [snicker]
Odd Narrator: At last they saw the dark mass of Mount Mindolluin, covered in purple shadows. Majestic shadows. Because purple is majestic and shadows are... yeah. Purple. Anyway, on its out-thrust knee was Minas Tirith, the City Built On the Knee Of A Purple Mountain With Seven Walls, and the city seemed so old Pippin thought it must have been carved out of the bones of the earth.
Pippin: Wow, this city looks like it was carved out of the bones of the earth! By giants!
Odd Narrator: Suddenly the sun climbed and sent a shaft of light onto the city and-
Pippin: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHCCKKKKK!
Tower of Ecthelion: [SHINE][GLIMMER]
Pippin: It's like a spike of pearl and silver!
Shadowfax: Woweeee!
Pippin: See how the pinnacle glitters as if wrought of crystals!
Shadowfax: Oooooh!
Pippin: And white banners caught high in the morning breeze!
Shadowfax: Hark!
Pippin: And I hear a clear ringing as of silver trumpets!
Shadowfax: Well done, Pip. Nicely described. I love the attention to detail!
Pippin: Thanks!
Shadowfax: Also the use of multiple senses.
Pippin: Aw, gee. [blush]
(Idril)
Gandalf: <sigh>
Pippin: Oh boy! I've always wanted to see a real fortified city. We've got some great defenses at the Great Smials and all, but it's got more of a bunker/cave paradigm and here we've got more of a medieval siege defense thing going on. I can't wait to see the gatehouse complex. I'll bet they have a long tunnel with a huge portcullis and murder holes so that if the enemy tries to break down the gate they trap them inside the portcullis and then pour hot oil down on 'em and fry 'em.
Gandalf: Ummm... they don't have that. Just an iron gate.
Pippin: You're kidding.
Gandalf: Nope.
Pippin: Well they've probably some Hoardings they can put up top of the wall there, then they can lean way out over the attackers and throw rocks and hot oil and crap on 'em. Then if your wall's built with Batters at the base, when you drop rocks down, the Batters make them bounce off at an angle and "SMACKO!", right into the besieging army. That ought to take out a bunch of 'em.
Gandalf: Ummm... don't have that either.
Pippin: Okay, they're probably just going to depend on their Ballistas. I've always wanted to see one of those... you wind it and wind it and take aim and then "TWANG!" it shoots this huge bolt taller than me. I'll bet they have tons of those attached along the walls up there. Oh my gosh! Even better! With the way the city's all laid out on the side of the mountain they could put trebuchets on the upper levels. Then we can just lob something fiery at the enemy's siege engines. Woo hoo, that'll be a sight... Dueling catapults! (twangs the theme to "Deliverance")
Gandalf: Ummm.
Pippin: No Ballistas?
Gandalf: No.
Pippin: No trebuchets?
Gandalf: Nope.
Pippin: Ummmm... where's the moat?
Gandalf: No moat.
Pippin: <stares slack-jawed> Gandalf, would you mind dropping me off back home?
Gandalf: No can do... sorry.
Pippin: <whimper> MOMMY!
(Thranduilion)
Gandalf: Hush up. We approach the Great Gate of the Men of Gondor.
Pippin and Shadowfax: Hushing up now.
Odd Narrator: [SIGH]
(Idril)
Odd Narrator: In growing light of the morning Gandalf and Pippin passed through the iron gates and into the City of Minas Tirith. (Hrrmnph, the gates look pretty darned strong to me, I'm sure they don't need no stinkin' portcullis.) When the men of Gondor saw Gandalf, they cried out:
Men of Gondor: Mithrandir! Stormcrow! He's here! AAAAAHHH!!! RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!!! [panic, flee]
Odd Narrator: But Shadowfax ignored the ruckus and held his head proudly as he walked up the long winding path.
For the fashion of Minas Tirith was... well let's see. Seven tiers, honkin' big hunk of stone down the middle, walls. <sigh> Okay, imagine you had this huge wedding cake, and the Titanic crashed into it. Got that? And the path keeps winding back and forth to get from level to level. That's all you have to know, trust me.
Oh yeah, and the top layer was called the Citadel, like where the bride and groom would be in the cake analogy. And you could walk out from the Citadel onto the stone pier that stuck out the front of the city like the bow of the Titanic and look out like old what's his name, and pretend you're king of the world.
Denethor: (from inside the Citadel) Hey!
Pippin: I think he meant Leonardo Di Caprio!
Denethor: Ahh! Alright then. Carry on.
Odd Narrator: As they wound their way up the path toward that great Citadel, Pippin gazed with wonder at the city and thought it was very... wondrous. Even though it didn't have any trebouchets, or many restaurants, and no flowers or women, and actually not very many pubs, and the men looked grim and were busy filling out their wills. Other than that it was a very beautiful and delightful city.
Pippin: Oh yes, I'm delighted.
Odd Narrator: Finally they reached the tunnel entrance to the seventh level. There Gandalf and Pippin dismounted and a nice groomsman led Shadowfax to the stables nearby. There he was given some water and walked until he cooled and the nice groomsman brushed him. After he fully cooled he was given as much water as he wanted, and some nice alfalfa and grain in a clean stable. There were a few other horses in the stalls nearby, in fact a bay mare was...
Gandalf: Ahem!
Odd Narrator: What?
Gandalf: You followed the wrong protagonist.
Odd Narrator: What?
Gandalf: You're supposed to follow what we do, not Shadowfax.
Odd Narrator: Oh! Right. Well what are you doing?
Gandalf: We're admiring the Citadel Guards.
Pippin: Yeah, black and silver, nice color scheme!
Citadel Guards: Thanks!
Pippin: Nice tree design too.
Citadel Guard: We like it too. Would you like to see the original tree?
Pippin: That would be lovely... um... you mean this? (sees droopy dead tree) It's... ermmm... delightful?
Citadel Guard: I thought you'd like it.
Gandalf: Now shush Peregrin. We're at the great hall now. Now when we're in here, be careful of what you say to Lord Denethor. He'll probably grill you like a cheese sandwich, because... ummmm... that's what great Lords do *coughdickcough*. Don't talk about Aragorn, if you can help it. You see Aragorn is...
Pippin: Isildur's heir of the North Kingdom, and the rightful heir to Gondor as well since Anarion's line died out long ago?
Gandalf: Ummmm... yes.
Pippin: And Denethor would rather stick pins in his eyes than give up his power to some raggedy Ranger from the sticks?
Gandalf: Well... mostly...
Pippin: And the Stewards have this saying that goes: "You f***ed up your own kingdom, now you want ours?"
Gandalf: They do?
Pippin: According to Boromir.
Gandalf: Well I suppose you know then.
Pippin: Yep, I'm ready. Okay, deep breath! On your mark...
Gandalf: ... Get Set...
Pippin: ... Go!
(Thranduilion)
Shakespearean Narrator:
Thus with imagined wing our short scene shifts
In motion of no less celerity
Than that of thought. Suppose that you have seen
The brightly gleaming wizard Mithrandir
Uncloak his magic; his companion
With trembling foot-hairs, the young hobbit stumbles.
Play with your fancies, and in them behold
Within the stony chambers, Double Doors;
Hear the low pounding which doth order give
To open them; behold, the portals gape,
Borne with an invisible and creeping hand
That draws the metal on unrusted hinge,
Enter now the two: O, do but think
You see young Pippin and old Gandalf stride
Beyond the doors and passing monoliths
Of shiny marble, and between the pillars
Images of kings all carved in stone:
At these young Pippin trembles, then continues.
Beyond the statues lies a stepped dais,
Upon it sits a high throne carved and great:
Behold! The throne sits empty, cold, and dead;
Below on lowest step a stone chair sits;
And sits upon it one old, withered man.
The artless, base-court, fawning, cockered codpiece
Now stares with lifeless eyes upon his lap;
Three paces from the chair we halt and stay,
The wizard coughs impatiently and speaks.
Gandalf: Hail!
Shakespearean Narrator:
A carven face with prideful bones looks up;
The old man's sunken eyes burn deep with fire:
A kingly light within his withered face
Reminds one more of Aragorn than Boromir.
Denethor: WHO DISTURBS MY SLUMBER??!!!!
Pippin: [SQUEAK!]
Gandalf: [smacks Denethor upside the head] Knock it off, you. I bring bad news as usual, but that's no reason for you to be so cranky.
Denethor: grumblegrumble [eyes gleam creepily]
Gandalf: [clears throat impatiently] I bring with me one of the little guys that saw your son die, if you c-
Shakespearean Narrator: [a whisper whisper whisper mutter whisper]
Gandalf: [a whisper huh? you're kiddin'. Oh, all right.]
(continues)
Now listen here, you bootless, churlish git:
This halfling here can tell you what you want
He's not the hobbit mentioned in your poem,
But that one's rather indisposed right now.
(pause, muttermutter)
Now Boz is dead, so Faramir's your heir,
He's smarter than you think, so don't be mean.
I see you've got the broken horn right here,
So, duh, you guessed he was dead already.
(mutters, counting on his fingers)
Now clean your attitude for me right now,
And question Pip so we can go away!
Shakespearean Narrator: O thank you, Gandalf, that was really grand. [blissful sigh]
Pippin: Hey, that's the horn Boromir always wore!
Gandalf: [smacks forehead]
Denethor: [picking up the horn and waving it in Pippin's face] I heard this blowing way far away to the north thirteen days ago.
Pippin: [tremble]
Denethor: WHAT SAY YOU TO THAT, HALFLING!!!!!
Gandalf: DENETHOR! [GLARE]
Denethor: grumblemuttergrumble grumble [to Pippin] Well?
Pippin: Thirteen, thirteen days, thirteen days, yes, well, hoo boy I'll tell you that sounds about right to me. He blew the horn then. I was there. But, uh, no help came. Just orcs. Yeah. Lots of orcs.
Denethor: Pfffft. And you expect me to believe that a twerpy little hairfoot like YOU escaped when Boromir The Great... Boromir the Tall... Boromir the Really-Good-With-His-SWORD met his end??!!!!! PUH-LEEEZE!
Pippin: [starting to get miffed] Boromir the Terrific was stuck like a pincushion porcupine full of bloody thick orc-arrows, and I'd like to see YOU try to survive that one! [sniffle] He died to save me and Merry and [SOB] NOTHING can take away my RESPECT for his VALIANCE so you'd better just SHUT UP about Boromir! WAAAHHH!!!!
Gandalf: [smacks Pippin upside the head]
Pippin: [stops crying suddenly] But, well, Mr. Lord Denethor sir, in payment of my debt to you, the father of Boromir the Brave, I'm going to give you my sword.
Pippin's Sword: Noooo! Don't give me to that thing! He looks mean! PIPPIIIIN!!!
Gandalf: [whisperwhisperwhisper]
Pippin: Ahem. I mean, I will offer my sword to you as a symbolic gesture of my service to you. My lord.
Pippin's Sword: Whew!
Denethor: GIVE ME THE SWORD!!!
Pippin: Okay, sheesh. [hands it to Denethor]
Pippin's Sword: [tremble]
Denethor: Dude! This thing is OLD! Where did you get it?!
Pippin's Sword: OLD? You're not lookin' so young yourself, snowbrain!
Pippin: Yeah, I got it from the evil wights up north.
Denethor: [sigh] My ancestors. Okay, I accept. One short, hairy soldier comin' up.
Gandalf: Um, Denethor, are you sure about this? Alone, he eats about what it takes to feed an army. How are your food stores holding up?
Pippin: [sullen glower]
Denethor: DO NOT QUESTION MY DECISIONS, GANDALF THE MEDDLER! Hairfoot!
Pippin: Pippin.
Denethor: Right. Speak after me. I,
Pippin: I,
Denethor: state your name
Pippin: state y-
Gandalf: [SMACK]
Pippin: Peregrin Took [rubs head and glares at Gandalf]
Denethor: Do hereby swear to do everything Denethor says and to value the survival of Gondor over my own life.
Pippin: [SQUEAK]
Denethor: SAY IT!
Pippin: Do hereby swear to do everything Denethor says and to value the survival of Gondor overmyownlife. [whimper]
Denethor: Promise?
Pippin: Cross my heart.
Denethor: And?
Pippin: And hope to die.
Denethor: AND?
Pippin: And stew and fry, stick a needle in my eye! [SQUEAK!]
Denethor: Good, I accept. Oh, and I'll reward fealty with love, valour with honour, oathbreaking with vengeance, blah blah blah. Now, tell me everything! Servants, bring food!
Servants: [rising out of hidden cracks in the walls and floor] Yessir, food coming right up, sir. [scurry away]
Pippin: Food? Yippee!
Gandalf: DENETHOR!!!
Denethor: MITHRANDIR!!!
Shakespearean Narrator:
For many minutes stood these two men stood staring,
The Steward looked the older, wiser, kinglier;
But by a sense unearthly one could tell
That Mithrandir possessed far greater power.
Gandalf: Do you care that Theoden fought a great battle, and the trees broke Isengard and I broke Saruman's staff?!
Denethor: I knew that already. We lords of Gondor are cool like that - it's like we have built-in Palantir in our brains. I'd rather talk to Pip here for a while anyway. [essays a kindly, fatherly smile at Pippin.]
Denethor's Face: ACK! Smile... muscles... not... functioning... atrophied... toomuchpressure [TWEAK]
Denethor: [assuming normal glower] Sit! We'll talk.
(Idril)
Odd Narrator: Denethor's men then brought a chair and a low stool for Gandalf and Pippin to sit...
Pippin: Please get your feet off the stool, that's for me to sit.
Gandalf: Oh, sorry.
Odd Narrator: ... and refreshments...
Pippin: Yippee! <INHALE> Nice appetizers.
Odd Narrator: ... and a bright light that they placed directly over Pippin's stool... along with some straps for Pippin's arms...
Pippin: [GULP]
Odd Narrator: ... and then a nurse brought in a rather large hypodermic and a vial labled "Sodium Penethol".
Gandalf: Here now! None of that!
Denethor: <Glower>
Gandalf: <GLOWER!!>
Denethor: (waves nurse away) Well we don't need that, do we Pippin, I know you'll tell me everything.
Pippin: Oh Yes Sir, my tongue's as loose as a... erm... I mean Yes Sir.
Denethor: WHERE WERE YOU ON THE AFTERNOON OF FEBRUARY 26TH!!
Pippin: grrrr.... must... not... squeak... Well Sir, you see, Merry and I had just finished putting this frog in Legolas' bedroll, and we wanted to tell Frodo all about it. Legolas was the only one left of the company that didn't shake out his bedroll ever night, as lots of times he just wanders around under the stars and talks to people that aren't there rather than sleeping...
Denethor: Wait, what does that have to do with the attack of the orcs?
Pippin: OH! You meant later in the afternoon. Right. Well after lunch... it wasn't a very good lunch as umm... one of the guys had shot a couple squirrel and squirrel is just not my favorite. Sam stews it up like rabbit, but I just don't think it works to use rabbit recipes for squirrel... the spices are all wrong...
Odd Narrator: And thus Denethor endured a grueling hour of Pippin's tangled storytelling as Gandalf sat by, holding in check a rising urge to burst out laughing. When the hour was over and Denethor again rang the gong, the old Lord look positively worn out.
Denethor: (to himself) It cannot be more than nine o'clock! I could now eat three breakfasts on end!
Pippin: Did someone say breakfast?
Denethor: Lead the Lord Mithrandir and his companion away... quickly please! I don't care where, just away!
Pippin: Hey... I thought I was your liege now. Doesn't that mean I get duties and a cool uniform and learn passwords and stuff?
Denethor: Yes! Whatever! Mithrandir, you may come back whenever you like. And do not be angry with my folly.
Gandalf: Who me? Angry? Never. I'm sure it was a great comfort to you to hear about your son's last "pull my finger" trick.
Denethor: Hrmmph. Sometimes one prefers the unedited version, especially when the editing can be biased.
Gandalf: Biased? Moi? [turns on the charm]
Denethor: Don't even go there.
Gandalf: [turns the charm off]
Denethor: I know what you're trying to do. But I'm responsible for the good of Gondor and the Rule of Gondor. Not you. Me. And it's going to stay that way. Unless the King should return.
Gandalf: <grin> Gotcha. But... umm... Hey, I had a snappy comeback for that... think think think! Fudge! Well it was very snappy, I assure you! And with that he turned and strode from the hall with Pippin in his wake.
(Russ)
[Camera follows Gandalf and Pippin out of the hall to where their guide is waiting. He then leads the two through the half empty streets to their quarters in a house on the first floor above the ground.]
Guide: (waiting in the doorway) Ahem.
Pippin: Oh, thank you very much, we can take it from here.
Guide: Ahem! (bows)
Pippin: Oh! I see, where are my manners? Ahem! (bows)
Guide: (rolls eyes) AHEM! (extends hand ever so slightly)
Pippin: (shakes hand) AHEM! (bows)
Gandalf: Thank you very much. (Closes door)
Guide: (turning away muttering) Cheap tourist bast- SLAM!
Pippin: You're pissed aren't you? I did the best I could!
Gandalf: Yes Peregrin, you did well! It's me I'm mad at! Why is it that one can never seem to come up with the GOOD retorts until AFTER it's too late! I Could have told him that I am a steward too!
Pippin: You?
Gandalf: YES! I could have told him that ALL worthy things that are in peril as the world now stands are in my care! Not only Gondor, but the whole shootin' match! And that no matter what HE does, I'LL still succeed if anything that can still grow fair or bear fruit is able to pass through this night and flower again! Gondor or NOT!
Pippin: So what happened?
Gandalf: I dunno, I think it was his eyes! They have that damned all-knowing- see- right- through- you thing going on! He's a crafty old codger, I'll give him that!
Pippin: How so?
Gandalf: Oh, he's pretty sharp and no mistake! He learned a lot more from you than you think he did!
Pippin: Like what?
Gandalf: Well, to begin with, he picked up on the whole Aragorn thing.
Pippin: But how?
Gandalf: Um, let me see...oh yes, I think it was when you said: "And after Gandalf fell, then Arag-...I mean SOMEONE, not the returning King or anything like that, led us to Lorien." And then there was the part when he asked you who led you from Lorien and you replied: "A very ordinary, unimportant regular guide who is not the son of Arathorn, rightful heir of Isildur, coming to Gondor to reclaim the throne."
Pippin: Hmmmm. Think he caught that huh?
Gandalf: I do.
Pippin: Think he will forget about it?
Gandalf: Not likely. You see Master Took, Denethor is not like the men of Now-A-Days. He has the blood of the men of The-Good-Old-Days in him, and can bend his will into all sorts of strange shapes. It is a real treat at parties! His son Faramir has the blood of old in him as well, but for some reason that I do not wholly understand, Boromir missed out.
Pippin: Skips a generation?
Gandalf: Maybe, but I think that it is more of a paternity thing, but of that I will say no more here. Suffice to say that it is good that you did not try to deceive him, for he is possessed of a singular gift in that regard.
Pippin: E.S.P.?
Gandalf: Voice-stress analyzer.
Pippin: He sounds a tad paranoid to me.
Gandalf: Indeed! You would do well to remember that! For you are now sworn to his service and why you went and did that beats the hell out of me! But it was well done and saves me from having to make up some lame excuse to leave you here while I go on about my business. Besides, I think deep down inside it kind of tickled the old coot! Still and all, you had better stay on your toes, and judging from the size of 'em that shouldn't be any great problem!
Pippin: Hey!
Gandalf: (chuckles) I just meant that you have a good understanding !
Pippin: Oh, thanks then...HEY!
Gandalf: (chortle) Ahhh, lighten up will ya? There's some dark days ahead and for a long time to come. Might as well have a little fun while we can!
Pippin: Oh, you're right of course. You know Gandalf, you are the bestestest wizard EVER!
Gandalf: Of course I am! And it's time I started acting like it! The board is set and the pieces are a-movin'. Denethor, that piece of work is doing his thing, Sauron, that piece of s*** is doing his, now if I could only find that Piece of a**, Faramir!
Pippin: Excuse me?
Gandalf: Did you forget my little story?
Pippin: But I thought you were a Les-
Gandalf: QUITE so! But every now and then...
Pippin: Nuff said. Really, way nuff. Don't you have a Lords Council to go to or something?
(Bells ring outside in tones of the purest...um, hue? Well you know what I mean)
Gandalf: Crap! Late again! Well my little Master Took, be careful, keep your blade sharp and your powder dry cause these times, these times, they are a-changin'! Oh, and one more thing, go and check up on Shadowfax for me won't you boy? I'm in a bit of a rush, Ta!
[exit Gandalf]
Pippin: Well I never! BOY!? Hummph! Well I might as well take the chance to go and find some grub. (goes outside) Man would you get a load of this place? Everywhere you look it's white and silver, black and white, silver and black, I wonder if Al Davis is from around here?
Voice from behind: No, we're pretty sure that he's from Mordor.
Pippin: (whips around) Hull- oh wait, AHEM! (bows and slightly extends hand)
Beregond: Wha?...Oh, AHEM! (bows and shakes Pippins hand)
Beregond: (thinks to himself) Strange are the customs of Halflings. And get a load of those feet! (aloud): I am Beregond, son of Arag- I mean, Baranor, at your service.
Pippin: And I am Peregrin, son of Paladin, at yours and your family's! (to himself) Now this is more like it! Strange are the customs of men! And would you get a load of that outfit, silver and white again! Someone needs to tell these folks about the color wheel!
Beregond: So, I'm told you signed up for service? Smart move. We get all the best food! You know the passwords yet?
Pippin: No, and speaking of food...
Beregond: Well, I'll teach 'em to ya, they're not that hard really, mostly stuff like "Open sesame" or "Louie sent me", lot of stuff like that. And if you can't remember them it's no big deal, we got 'em posted all around town. I wouldn't mind learning a bit more about you and your lands either, in fact I have about a million...
Pippin: Did you say something about food?
Beregond: ...questions like what are Halflings? where do you come from? How many of you are there? I heard a poem once and...
Pippin: Yeah, now about the food...
Beregond: ...it spoke of Halflings, well not really Halflings, but Hobytla but I'm sure that you know more about that than me what with you being so world traveled and all and I was just thinking that if it wasn't too much trou...
Pippin: Gandalf! What have you done to me!?
Beregond: ...ble tha you could see your way clear to telling me a bit more about them, I mean you, well you know what I mean and I'll be happy to answer any questions that you might have if you feel the need to ask any that is and why wouldn't you ask questions of all sorts seeing as you have just arrived here in one of the greatest cities ever built by the hands of...
(Idril)
Pippin: Umm, Beregond? Listen... you might want to... ummm...
Beregond: yackity yackity yackity yackity yackit...
Pippin's stomach: BEREGOND!
Beregond: What in bloody blazes was that?
Pippin's stomach: FEED ME!
Pippin: Listen, I'd better get some food quick or I'm not responsible for the consequences.
Beregond: Oooookay!
Pippin: But I promised I'd see about Shadowfax first. Stomach, can you hang for ten minutes?
Pippin's Stomach: UUUNNNHHH!! 9:59... 9:58... 9:57... 9:56...
Beregond: Ummm.... well... er... this way to the stables!
(Silarien)
Odd Narrator: Pippin found Shadowfax well fed, comfortable, and busy telling a bay mare about his daring exploits and massive... er, stamina.
Shadowfax: One mo, filly, better just put this away. Hi, Pippin.
Pippin: Good morning, Shadowfax. Gandalf is rather busy now, but he asked me to look in on you. You're supposed to be resting.
Shadowfax: Rest, smesht. I'm a stud and I need to be studying. Who's the penguin?
Pippin: Oh, this is Beregond.
Shadowfax: Nice ta meet you. Seeing as you're a pal of Pippin, you're allowed to stroke my noble head and flanks.
Beregond: Wow, isn't he strong and big-hea.. proud. Bet he's got some fine tack.
Shadowfax: Indeed I do, as I was just showing this filly...
Pippin: Ahem. He wears no saddle or bridle. No-one can tame him. Except maybe a vet. Ouch! Okay already, we were just checking that your manger's full.
Shadowfax: And I was hoping to fill this filly's manger.
Pippin: Save your energy. There's a battle coming.
Shadowfax: BWAAHAAAH! Too right. BWAAHAAAHAHAAH!
Odd Narrator: Pippin and Beregond ran from the stable with their hands over their ears.
(merithehobbit)
Odd Narrator: Pippin and his new friend Beregond headed to the buttery and storehouse to give Pippin a bit of Second Breakfast.
Beregond: Hey Cookie?
Targon: Whatchu be callin me dat' for all da time? I jus don' unnerstan' it? I no look like a cookie? I don' even have any cookie?
Beregond: Just like to tease ya Tar! Listen, I know the morning shift is back prepping for lunch...but we have here a hobbit... and [whispers] even though he already ate... I think they have more than three meals a day in their country...and being as he is from out of town, maybe we could whip up a little picnic of some day old bread...that sort of thing? [slips him some coins]
Targon: Oh...yessir...we can do a little somethin' for the new hobbit friend...here ya go! Some nice apples, well, they be a little withered, but I tell ya, I use them all the time in the apple torte, and you know they be jus' as good as the perky ones...yes... oh...And some cheese...oh...well, let me just cut off that green part yes.. there ya go! Oh wait, got some day old bread, like ya asked fer, and left over butter from the mornin' shift... that'd be it, but you'd need somethin' to wash that down with...[looks around] oh yessir... a nice flagon of new drawn ale, and must put in some plates and cups while I's at it! But wait, with this package comes a nice basket weaved by the misses, and a fancy linen liner, so as not to crumb all over the neighborhood!
Beregond: Thank you kindly Cookie!
Pippin: MAN ALIVE! In all my travels, I have never met those who could jabber on so much as you folks from Gondor! Why it makes me proud to think I just signed up for your military! Horray! Let's go talk and eat away the morning! What great luck I have found in my new chatty companions...
Odd Narrator: The twosome bearing their basket headed up to the East End Battlement and peered over the city and valley below, having Second Breakfast, much to Pippin's satisfaction, and looking for West End Girls. [snicker]
Pippin: Well, I don't see any girls, women or even grandmas?
Beregond: Well, you see we sent them away.
Pippin: Because of impending war and doom?
Beregond: Well, that is one reason, the other is that whenever we have lit the beacons for assistance from our neighbors, the women suddenly all end up with newborn babies with odd hair color and the like, if you catch my meaning?
Pippin: [eyes widen] Ah...yessir...I do! That could be a problem.
Beregond: Lets just say the marriage counseling business does well here in the White City. Tell me about yourself Pippin I...
Pippin: Well, I was raised Peregrin Took son of Paladin and born in the Shire, in Tookland actually, but on my mothers side are the Brandybucks and they hold quite a connection with the good folks of the Shire. My family line is quite extensive, being as I have direct lineage from the Old Took...but for some reason they aren't quite looked upon as highly as some of the other folks...but everyone knows who I am, being as I am quite an outgoing and adventurous hobbit....
Odd Narrator: We shall not bore you with all the hot air that issued forth warming the entire East side of the Battlement of Minas Tirith that morning...sufficeth to say, that Pippin filled Beregond in on the many adventures and journeys he had, and the characters and scary stuff that had happened. Leaving out, of course, some of the details, but leaving Beregond in amazement of his stamina.
Beregond: I must say, I am amazed at your stamina, and ability to talk. Such a skill is much desired in our ranks, and you are already well skilled in the arts of continuous small talk and conjecture. I admit, that I am shocked as you seem like a youngster, looking merely like a lad of 9 years old...and while our lads can chat up a storm, none have possibly matched your verbiage and articulation...indeed you have endured many perils and seen marvels that few of our graybeards could pontificate on!
Pippin: Oh [blush] You should hear my best friend Merry... now there's a talker! I am but a young lad in my country as well, being only 29 years old, but that would be a tweenager, we like to take our time growing up before we become all boring and stuffy.
Beregond: Well, I apologize for even thinking that you would be lacking in quality or quantity of descriptive narrative because of your size, I am happy to have filled the air with your tales and stories that are much more interesting than the usual banter we chat upon daily!
Pippin: Why thanks...what a compliment...I...am...speechless....
[silence]
Odd Narrator: [pause with shocked look on face] Oh...wow, silence! The two companions must have both had large bites of apple in their cheeks as the silence between them grew like a fungus. Pippin looked below at the bustling of carts and people headed out of town. He thought perhaps there was an accident and a lot of rubber necking going on, but after chewing in silence for a while, discovered some order. Red and green trained birds flew from lamp post to lamp post stopping and moving traffic along in a smooth pattern. Noticing Pippin's gaze, and swallowing his bite of apple Beregond got a word in edgewise.
Beregond: [gulp, choke, cough, cough]
Pippin: Mwew wand wom wawa?
Beregond: [cough, pound chest, hack.] GGGGGGGGH! Thanks...[gulps water] I hate it when that happens. Down below you see the rest of the wains [looking at Pippin's confused face]...uh...large wagons we use for farming....filled to the top with supplies and the rest of the chicks, grandmas and babies getting out of town before the... the fight.
Pippin: Gotcha!
Beregond: The schools were downsizing anyway, but now school is out for a time...they'll have to go to summer school if the city isn't burned, to catch up.
(Idril)
Beregond: There's only a few of the lads left in the city that couldn't bear to leave. My son is among them.
Pippin: He wanted to stay where the action is, I'll bet.
Beregond: No, not that. Every time he travels anywhere he starts obsessively worrying that someone will try and grab his bum.
Pippin: Oh... umm... imagine that!
Beregond: The doc says it's an anxiety disorder. It worries the heck out me and his Mom.
Pippin: I can imagine. Umm... hey what's that over there? Another city?
Beregond: That's Osgiliath. Or the ruins of it anyway. It used to be the capital of Gondor, but it's been nothing but a battleground for generations. We wrestled it from the Dark Lord's forces several decades ago, but then last Summer the fell Riders came out of Minas Morgul, and we were driven out.
Pippin: Oh I remember that from Boromir's flashback. Black Riders suck. [looks toward Mordor] Good gravy, you folks have some bad neighbors right in your front yard! Looks like they're brewing up trouble over, well over thataway.
Mordor: [LOOM!]
Mount Doom: [BELCH]
Dark Clouds: [GATHER] [GLOOM]
Beregond: In Mordor? Yes, sometimes it looks further away and sometimes closer. The Dark Lord is big into PSYOPS, you know.
Pippin: Tell me about it!
Beregond: Well anyway, we hold the West Osgiliath for the moment... but we're expecting an assault soon.
Pippin: When?
Beregond: Soon.
Pippin: Today? All the beacons were lit the other night, and Gandalf was in a big hurry to get here. Now everybody's just chillin'.
Beregond: Soon.
Pippin: Like when exactly?
Beregond: I don't know! You want to go knock on the door of Minas Morgul and ask?
Pippin: Sheesh! Just wondering!
Beregond: LIKE I was saying. We've called in help from all over, Lebinnin, Belfalas and Rohan of course. We think it's going to be a full-scale war this time. Lord Denethor has seen it.
Pippin: He's psychic?
Beregond: Well, he goes up in his tower, and this red light comes out. Then when he comes out again he's all googly-eyed and staggery and jabbers some weird stuff... then he tells us what the Dark Lord is planning next.
Pippin: Hmmm... that sounds familiar somehow.
Beregon: But one thing we can be certain of, the Dark Lord hates us the most, and whatever he has planned, the destruction of our city is at the top of his list.
Pippin: That's good to know.
Flying Nazgul: SHRIEK!
Beregond: <shudder>
Pippin: Doh!
Beregond: Did you feel something also?
Pippin: GRAZSH NAZSGH MUGLAZH! Must be one of those stupid Nazgul. HEY NAZGUL! SHRIEK THIS! <makes rude gesture>
Beregond: Don't they creep you out?
Pippin: <shrug> I got tired of being scared. It's all PSYOPS anyway... tres manipulative.
Beregond: So they don't bother you at all?
(Idril, Sevilodorf, aneya26 and danadoo)
Pippin: Well some, but when I get scared I just either use some cool curses I learned from the orcs. And if that doesn't work, I just sing a little song: (sings)
Laughing with Gandalf when he makes a bad pun
My cousin Merry when he rips a big one
Booing our Strider when he tries to sing
These are a few of my favourite things
Buffets with sausage and bacon and eggs
Fried alligator and smoked turkey legs
Cheese sticks and mushrooms and buffalo wings
These are a few of my favourite things
Peeking at elf maidens taking a shower
Twitting old Leggy and making him glower
Wand'ring the wildlands from fall into spring
These are a few of my favourite things
When the warg bites, when the orc growls
When I'm feeling sad
I simply remember my favourite things
And then I don't feel so bad
Strawberry bubbles -- a tub wide and vast,
Mooning 'Ol Maggot, then running real fast
The wonderful feeling that naked time brings
These are a few of my favourite things
Smoking Old Toby till my lungs turn black
A nice pint of lager goes good with a snack
Gambling with Samwise and blowing smoke rings.
These are a few of my favourite things
Twitting old Gimli 'bout his elvish crush
Jokes that are dirty sure make Frodo blush
It's always fun wond'ring which way Leggy swings
These are a few of my favourite things
When the Nazgul... fly right over
When I'm feeling sad
I simply remember my favourite things
And then I don't feel so bad
(Russ)
Pippin: All the same, I wish I could shove this whole thing off on somebody else, I'm a lover, not a fighter! I mean, after all, who am I any way but a poor, tired and scared little hobbit! Why can't all the brave guys...
Beregond: Yes, but you are pledged to serve the King now and...
Pippin: ...handle all this fighting stuff and let me go home to the Shire! In fact, I think...
Beregond: ...and the penalty for desertion is death.
Pippin: ...Death you say?
Beregond: Yup.
Pippin: But NO I SAY! I shall not despair! Do we not have Gandalf here among us now? Are we not in a city of men, fair and strong! Mighty of word and deed! Fell and grim? Warriors all? Bring it on I say! Lay on MacDuff! And damned be him that first cries enough!
Beregond: Bravo! It was a load of crap, but BRAVO anyway! Who's MacDuff?
Pippin: I dunno, I think he might make burgers or beer or something like that. All I'm saying is that if we're gonna do this thing, then let's by god do it! I'm tired of all this pussy-footin' around!
Beregond: I heard that! Maybe when Faramir returns things will start happening. He's a bona-fide bad-ass not to mention a snappy dresser and a keen wit! Besides, the chicks dig him! The only problem is that sometimes he comes off as a bit of a dandy what with his poetry and his singing and all.
Pippin: That's a problem?
Beregond: Well, like I said, the women folk love the heck out of it, but they aren't the ones he's leading into battle what with Boromir gone and all. it wouldn't be so bad if it wasn't for all that dancing that he does! It's, it's,...
Pippin: A little Gay?
Beregond: Not that there's anything wrong with that!
Pippin: Of course not.
Beregond: Oh well, it probably doesn't matter anyway, not right now at least, we are to few to strike out. We must wait for the enemy to come to us, then we must grab him by the balls and squeeze like a mad juicer!
Pippin: Dude!
Beregond: Oh yeah, squeeze and squeeze and...
(Silarien)
Odd Narrator: Later Beregond began teaching Pippin the passwords for the seven gates.
Beregond: For the outermost gate, Seven, the password is NEVES.
Pippin: Neves ... neves? N E V E S! That's seven spelt backwards.
Beregond: Clever, eh? And also easy for the hoi palloi to remember.
Pippin: What about Six. Is that XIS?
Beregond: Hah, that would be too obvious. No, it's HALF-DOZEN.
Pippin: Half-dozen. Okay. I'm starting the get into the swing now. Is Five HIGH?
Beregond: What? No. That's waaay too obscure. It's FINGERS.
Pippin: Riiight. Let me see then. Is Four CHAIR-LEGS?
Beregond: Nope. We go for variety, Pippin. It helps fool our enemies. Four is RUOF.
Pippin: Ruof. R U O F. I don't suppose Three is E E R H T?
Beregond: Nobody would be able to pronounce that. Actually, it's FARAMIR.
Pippin: That's Denethor's second son. So would that make Two BOROMIR?
Beregond: Hey, you're good, Pippin. It was that, but it's just changed to DEAD.
Pippin: Aw, sad ... So, I guess One must be DENETHOR.
Beregond: Variety, remember Pippin. The most important gate of all must have a very secret password; the most unlikely and ridiculous one imaginable.
[Pause ........ ]
Pippin: Ack! I give up ... No, hang on. Most unlikely one in Denethor's reckoning? [raises eyebrows]
Beregond: [raises eyebrows]
Pippin: KING!
Beregond: Like I said, Pippin, you're good.
(Thranduilion)
Noon bells: CLANGCLANGCLANG CLANGCLANGCLANG CLANGCLANGCLANG CLANGCLANGCLANG !!!
Pippin's stomach: Noon bells? NUNCHEON??!!! YUMYUMYUMYUMYUMYUM feedmefeedmefeedmefeedm-
Pippin: Sh!
Pippin's stomach: [grumble]
Beregond: Will you join me for the noon meal? Denethor tends to forget about his newbies the first day or so, so you've got some time before your paperwork all goes through and you get assigned to a company. Come join the Third company with m- hey, what's wrong? Are you crying?!
Pippin: [sniffle] No, I'm not [hic] crying, I was just [snif] thinking about my [snuffle] BEST FRIEND that I [SOB] left behind in Rohan and I miss him and I wish he was here to eat nuncheon [sniffle] with us and- WAAAAH!!!!
Beregond: [pats Pip on the back] Well, no worries, I'm sure he's doing better than you are - anywhere's safer than Minas Tirith right now, let me tell you! Enemies breathing down our necks, the storm nearly at the breaking point, and Faramir's not even back yet! Golly, I'm hungry.
Pippin: [hic] Me too. [dries tears] Oh, I'd better go see if Gandalf's in our room, he hates it when I wander too far afield. Starts looming and calling me a fool of a Took, which is NOT a pretty sight, let me tell you what!
Beregond: What?
Pippin: Nothing. Let's go.
Nosy Narrator: Well, it looks like Gandalf wasn't there because here come Pippin and Beregond striding out of the lodging not a minute after they entered... hm, I wonder what that room looks like, they never let me inside buildings; I have to do all the street shots. Just because that one time I rifled through- Oh, here we are, Pip and Beregond are entering the mess hall and HEY, sounds like SOMEBODY's happy to see Pippin! What's that, Ernil i Pheriannath? I wonder what that means, I'll have to look it up sometime after my shift is over.
[peering through the window]
Looks like all the men of the Third Company are greeting Pip and filling his plate for him - WHOA, don't think they expected THAT to be gone so fast and HEY, Pip, that's his ARM! Careful there. Oh, I hope he doesn't do the Eat Fatty trick, that always creeps me out. [shudder] So Pippin entertains the men with stories of the Big Bad World and with his feats of culinary consumption, and tries not to spill the beans on every little secret he's supposed to be keeping.
Pippin: (inside) And Arag- I mean, SOMEBODY, certainly not anyone coming here to claim the kingship or anything-
Nosy Narrator: I can't see what's g- oh here we go, Beregond's rising to leave, and it looks like... yes, Pippin's going to stay and clean out the kitchens.
Pippin: And then my cousin Frodo kept complaining about how the Rin- I mean, - Hey Beregond, are you leaving?
Beregond: Sure am! Got to go be on duty now. But my son'll take you around the city if you're lonely!
Pippin: Your son? Is he as chatty as you?
Beregond: More so! And he's about your height too, so you won't have to strain your neck so much. Meet him down at Lampwright's Street, the kids all hang out there and play Catch the Rat and Dodge Ball and stuff like that. He's kind of a brat sometimes, but he's friendly enough.
Pippin: Right on. Thanks for the grub!
Beregond: No prob, my little hairy buddy. [high-fives Pippin] Later!
Nosy Narrator: [peering through the peephole in the door] I think they're about to come out- OUCH!! That was my nose! I'd better get away from the door now because ALL the MEN are coming out and they can't WATCH where they're GOING!!! Grumble. Pippin's still inside, but the table's empty now, and, yes, it looks like he's lonely. Poor thing. This separation from Merry's really hitting him hard, isn't it? Look at the tears in his eyes.
Pippin's eyes: tear, tear, weep, weep.
Pippin: [thinking] That meal was so short! I can't believe they finished their plates and didn't ask for seconds! Maybe this son of Beregond's will have more food. Growing boys are always hungry, right?
Nosy Narrator: Here he comes, he's coming to the door right now, he's reaching for the handle and [WHACK] OWW!!!!! Medic! [whimper]
Odd Narrator: Wimp. Okay, I'm back. Pippin left the dining hall and strode through the wide streets of Minas Tirith on this hot, hazy March afternoon, and stopping briefly to give a few morsels to Shadowfax-
Pippin: Um, morfselfs? [gulp]
Odd Narrator: Sigh. Okay, since Pippin ATE the morsels he was supposed to be bringing to Shadowfax, instead he just patted the stallion's proud head and strong flanks.
Shadowfax: Neigh! Where's the battle? I'm chomping at the bit! [chomp, chomp]
(Thran and BunnieBugs)
Pippin: Oh, be patient... Wait! You don't wear a bit!
(BunnieBugs)
Shadowfax: Oh, I know that! But what am I supposed to chomp at? Mmm... chomp. I have SO got the munchies. Don't suppose you brought me any snacks?
Pippin: Er, well... no, not exactly.
Shadowfax: Typical! You'd probably even eat my oats, given half a chance!
Pippin: (Peering around the stall) You've got oats?
Shadowfax: That's it! Off with you! And don't come back without an apple or a carrot or something!
Pippin: All right, all right! I'm going. (slinks out the door)
(Thran)
Odd Narrator: Pippin continued walking down the street, enduring catcalls, whistles, and shouts of Ernil i Pheriannath!
Pippin: Hm, I wonder what that means. I hope it isn't something about my bum.
Crowd: [whistling] Hey, princy! Princy boy, over here! Marge, come look at the goofy little guy! BWAHHAWHAWHAW!
Pippin: [sigh]
Odd Narrator: At last he found this Lampwrights' Street Beregond had mentioned. One of the kids playing there saw him and came running up with a shout. He stopped in front of Pippin and looked him up and down, rather rudely, actually.
(merithehobbit)
Kid: Hey there shrimp....wanna play some kick the can? You must be new to the neighborhood...don't tell my mom I am talking to strangers, but where the heck do you come from anyway?
Pippin: Well, now. I am not sure about the game, but I am a stranger to this land, but they say that I have become a man of Gondor.
Kid: [shoves Pippin's shoulder] Get out of town! [snicker][mimics adult sounding voice] I guess we're all men of Gondor now then...[looks at Pippin oddly] Uh...so how old are you then, and who are you, and how'd your hair get all curly...did you get a perm? I'm 10 already, but check it out "man of Gondor" I am already taller than you...I am guessing you are about 8 or 9, and you must have something wrong with your skin...[inspects Pippin's face at close range] looks like you hit puberty early...huh? Well, I am going to be tall because my dad is really quite tall, and he is a Guard...
Pippin: WHOA... your mouth has the runs...slow down! [chortle] [teasingly] Which question first?
Kid: Uh...lessee...where did I start?
Pippin: My name is Pippin, and I grew up in the Shire, near Tuckborough. That is quite a ways West of here.
Kid: West...where the sun goes down...gotcha!
Pippin: I am nearly 29...so I got you beat there...and that would explain my having to shave...but I am not going to grow any taller, well, unless I hang out with the Ents some more...only fatter...and only if my metabolism catches up! As for the hair... it's naturally curly hair [patting it with his hands]
Kid: Holy Shining Silver Trumpets? TWENTY NINE!... you're ANCIENT!
Pippin: Well, I know that seems old when you're 10, but really, your Dad is quite a bit older than me still.
Kid: You know my Dad? Did he send you to send me off with the girls? You know I could beat the tar out of you...flip you over and stuff?
Pippin: Well, I am glad you think so...I'd like to see you try as I was the wrestling champion of Tookland for 5 years straight.
Kid: You? You're littler than my sister? Hmmm...but she is a tank.
Pippin: Don't you think you should introduce yourself before you start comparing me to your sister.
Kid: Oh...sorry. I always forget that part...I am Bergil son of Beregond of the Guards...
Pippin: What? Gerbil? Son of Baragorn?
Bergil: NO! Bergil...B-E-R-G-I-L... hey... did my Dad tell you that he likes to tease me with that nickname?
Pippin: Nope, but he did send me to see you Gerbil. [snicker]
Bergil: Stop it! What does he want, I already mowed the lawn and clipped the hedge...even pulled those weeds.
Pippin: Well, it shouldn't be too bad, he wants you to show me around the town Gerb [snork]... unless you'd rather beat the tar out of me...I am sort of lonely, and always hungry, so he probably figured as you are doing nothing but getting in to trouble as young boys always do when left to their own devices, you could keep me company, and I can tell you of where I live in return [under breath] and keep you out of trouble too.
Bergil: [claps hands and clicks heals] All right! I though he was going to make me whitewash the house! Let's go to the gate! [they start to walk to the gate]
Pippin: What's at the gate?
Bergil: The Captains of the Outlands are expected to come up the South Road before sundown...
Pippin: Outlands?
Bergil: Yeah...you know...where everyone is outed...
Pippin: Outed... you mean...
Bergil: Yup. They're all gay. Not that there's anything wrong with that, but they do put on a great parade!
Pippin: [under breath] More bum grabbing? [regular voice]You mean all the surrounding country is populated with gay folks?
Bergil: Well, not all, but some of those towns are kind of small, and there's only so many women, that's why we always send the girls away before they come. The Outlanders always turn straight when they get here on account of the good looking chicks we have.
Pippin: You mean, they switch teams, just like that?
Bergil: [snicker, snork] Sure. Don't they do that in the Shire?
Pippin: Uh... no. In fact Gerbil, it sounds like you know more about all this than any 10 year old ever should! I never even thought a man would grab another man's bum until I went on this crazy escapade!
Bergil: It's BERGIL! [snork] Did anyone grab your bum?
Pippin: Several times.
Tongue tied Narrator: Gerbil, uh... I mean Bergil proved to be a good comrade, the best company Pippin had since he left Merry, and soon they were laughing and talking about gayness...I mean, gaily walking around the streets of Minas Tirith stopping at every hot dog and Popsicle stand along the way. Pretty soon they were surrounded by a thong...I mean, throng of people waiting to see the parade, selling cotton candy, and silly mugs that were obviously snagged from a previous victory over the carnies. Gerbil, I mean Bergil, sheesh, was much impressed with Pippin when at the gate they could pass because Pippin had remembered the secret passwords.
Bergil: That dude keeps calling me Gerbil too!
Pippin: Shhh... don't complain too loudly... the screenwriters love stuff like that...just be tough and laugh it off.
Bergil: Okay...cool we have a great spot, right near the pee bush!
Pippin: Uh...great, we will be surrounded by the sweet smell of urine!
Bergil: Well, there isn't another bush around for half the wall!
Crowd: HERE THEY COME! Look at the dust! We need rain...[grumble] blah, blah, blah...
Pippin: Oh...check out THEIR uniforms! They get pretty colors!
Bergil: I told you they put on a good parade.
(Thranduilion)
Shakespearean Narrator:
For minutes long the companies of men
did prance; and skipping through the City's Gate
increased the brightness of the gloomy eve:
Most strode on foot, a few on horses tall
For tall is noble; taller folk looked down
with sneers. The fisher-folk and hillmen came,
And bowmen, nancing 'round with braided hair.
Then Hirluin with men of Green Hills sang.
Men of the Green Hills: [singing]
We're men, we're men in tights
We roam around the forest looking for fights
We're men, We're men in tights
We rob from the rich and give to the poor, that's right
We may look like sissies
But watch what you say, or else we'll put out your lights
We're men, we're men in tights
Always on guard defending the people's rights
Shakespearean Narrator:
At last did come the kinsman of the Lord:
Dol Amroth's Prince, proud Imrahil the tall!
Trumpets: Da da DAAH da da DAAH da da DAAAAAH!!!
Imrahil's Professional Spokessinger Robiwil: [singing]
Hey, through the wind in the old Bazaar;
Hey you! Let us through, it's a bright new star,
Oh come, be the first on your block to meet his eye!
Make way, here he comes, ring bells, bang the drums -
Are you gonna love this guy!
Imrahil, wonderful he, Prince of Dol Amroth:
Strong as ten Gondorian men - boy, can he kill!
He faced the trampling hordes!
A hundred Uruks with swords!
Who sent those goons to their lords?
Why, Imrahil!
Imrahil: Thank you, thank you, I'm here for one war only. I've got elvish blood, you know! Thank you, thank you! [bows and waves to the screaming crowd]
Crowd: cheer, scream, swoon.
Shakespearean Narrator:
At last they passed, three thousands all full told.
Their cries did fade, and dust hung in the air.
Pippin: Wowee.
Bergil: Double wowee.
Pippin: [looking up at the grey sky] This sucks. I almost feel like the dust from the parade isn't going to fade and we'll be left with this oppressive, thick cloud of smoldering darkness covering the land like a thick smothering blanket never to be lifted again. Look, the dying sun's even setting fire to the fumes and Mindolluin stands black against its flames.
Bergil: [tremble]
Pippin: [sigh] Well, let's get back inside before the gates close, Gerbil.
Bergil: Bergil.
Pippin: Whatever.
Shakespearean Narrator:
Hand in hand the small but doughty pair
Returned within the citadel. At Lampwrights'
they parted ways at last, and Pippin ran
to catch a needed evening meal. There
Beregond was waiting, food in hand,
and Pippin scarfed it down in one fell swoop.
Beregond: Yikes! Leave the plate!
Pippin: Mph, shorry.
Beregond: Thanks for hanging out with the brat today, hope he wasn't too much trouble. You'd better get back - it seems to be getting darker than usual. Hm. I wonder if it has anything to do with the impending war with the Shadow in the East.
Pippin: Ya think?
Beregond: Nah, probably just global warming or something.
Pippin: Right. Ciao!
Beregond: Later! Oh, I don't think you'll be with me after all - rumour on the street has it you're getting a summons right from the T-O-P tomorrow.
Pippin: [shudder] Well, bye.
S.N.:
He shuffled off and hurried through the dark
To find the lodging he and Gandalf shared.
Pippin: Whew! I'm so uneasy I'm not sure I'll be able to go to sl-ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ
[several hours later]
Gandalf: [pacing to and fro] Where has that *#&$^%##* Faramir got to?
Pippin: ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ
Gandalf: [whispers in Pippin's ear] FoolofaTook!
Pippin: ZZZZZZZZZZZZ[snonk] Hu-what? Oh, hullo Gandalf.
Gandalf: Hullo! I wanted to wake you to tell you that even though the day was long, the night will be too short and you won't get much rest before I take you to Denethor at a sunrise that won't happen because this thick oppressive shadow isn't likely to go anywhere for a while. Sleep tight!
Pippin: [whimper]
Shakespearean Narrator:
The board is set, and some will play the pawn:
The darkness has begun; 'twill bring no dawn.
Chapter 1 has come to an end; bye Pip!