Acknowledgements:
This virtual film is a parody/tribute to The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers by JRR Tolkien.
Screenwriters (books III & IV): aneya26, ArwenfromRome, BadWargMama, Bridget Chubb, BunnieBugs, Celebrian3G, IdrilCelebrindal (Idril), Lorellin71450158, lotr42, Merithehobbit, pippin1986, qkbeam, RUSSELLbor (Russ), Sevilodorf, SigEpMJS, Silarien, SilliMarilli, TheGreeneLady, Thranduilion.
Acknowlegements: The virtual filmmakers would like to express their sincere appreciation to the everyone that worked on the real LOTR: FOTR movie (The cast and crew list can be seen here: www.lordoftherings.net).
We would also like to thank the following individuals and organizations for their inspiration, and for the unexpectedly low influx of lawsuits and death threats:
Abbott Laboratories, Idril's Intrepid AC-130 Gunships, AFL-CIO, AM General Corp, American Psychological Association, American Sleep Disorders Association, James Matthew Barrie, Bayer Corporation, Beach Boys, The BeeGees, The Black Panthers, Wolf Blitzer, Eddie Boyd, Bristol-Myers Squibb Company, British Psychological Society, Tom Brokaw, Terry Brooks, Buffalo Springfield, Burger King, Inc., President George "Dubya" Bush, Dale Carnegie, Dana Carvey, Cephalon, Inc., Cher, Bill Clinton, Def Leppard, Destin Florida, Willie Dixon, Clint Eastwood, Eli Lilly and Company, Eveready Battery Company, Inc., Florida State University Traumatology Institute, Forest Laboratories, Inc., Francis Ford Coppola, Frederick E. Perl, George Carlin, Ira Glass, GlaxoSmithKline, Bunnie's husband Gothmog, The Grateful Dead, Buddy Guy, Hoffmann-La Roche Inc., Saddam Hussein, International House of Pancakes, International Society for Research on Emotions (ISRE), International Society for Traumatic Stress Studies, Rick James, Kevin Jarre, Jiffy Lube, Billy Joel, Elton John, Cecilia Johns, M.T. Kalashnikov & the Red Army of the USSR, Kentucky Fried Chicken, Jack Kerouac, Rudyard Kipling, John Lennon, George Lucas, Luverne Alabama (Home of the World's Largest Peanut Boil), The Mamas and the Papas, Steve Martin, Dave Matthews, Mead Johnson Corporation, The Monkees, Monty Python, Alanis Morissette, Nabisco, Inc., Narcolepsy Association UK, National Alliance for Research on Schizophrenia and Depression, National Alliance for the Mentally Ill, National Center for Post-Traumatic Stress Disorders, National Depressive and Manic Depressive Organization, Huey Newton, Tony Orlando and Dawn, Trey Parker, Periodic Paralysis Association, Pfizer, Inc., Brad Pitt, Elvis Presley, Deep Purple, Queen, QVC, REM, Geraldo Rivera, Rodgers and Hammerstein, J. K. Rowling, Royal College of Psychiatrists, Rufus, Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld, Kurt Russell, Bobby Seale, Searle Pharmaceutical Products, Sepracor, William Shakespeare, Mary Shelley, M. Nigh t Shyamalan, Sigma Pharmaceuticals, Smashing Pumpkins, Society for Psychophysiological Research (SPR), Britney Spears, Rebecca Stevens, Sting, Matt Stone, Barbara Streisand, Swedish Match AB, Tajikistan Foreign Minister Talbak Nazarov, Bernie Taupin, Liz Taylor, The Academy of Psychological Clinical Science, Tim Powers, Muddy Waters, E.B. White, Tad Williams, Oprah Winfrey, Stevie Wonder, Malcolm X.
Ditto for the creators of the following mighty fine films, songs, television & radio shows, plays &etc:
"Apocalypse Now", "Arthur", "Beavis and Butthead", "Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure", "Buffy the Vampire Slayer", "Courage the Cowardly Dog", "Dirty Harry", "The Fairly Odd Parents", "Fantasia", "Forrest Gump", "Friends", "Harry Potter and the Sorcerers Stone", "Hill Street Blues", "House of Blues", "In Living Color", "The Jerk", "The King and I", "Labyrinth", "Monty Python and the Holy Grail", "Monty Python's Flying Circus", "Moonstruck", "Peter Pan", "Pokemon", "The Princess Bride", "Gomer Pyle, USMC", "Sanford and Son", "Saturday Night Live", "The Simpsons", "The Sixth Sense", "Sound of Music", "South Park", "Star Trek", "Star Wars", "They Might Be Giants", "This American Life with Ira Glass", "The Three Bears", "The Three Musketeers", "Tombstone", "Top Gun", "Uncle Buck", "Wayne's World", "When Harry Met Sally", "X-Men".
Last but not least, those of us who still have families would like to thank them for their loving support and for desperately hanging on to those last small shreds of patience with our obsession. Only one more book to go kids... Then supper, I promise!
Outtakes
OUTTAKE: Screenwriters At Work?
Behind The Scenes Narrator: Shhh... if we're quiet we might be allowed to peek in at a meeting of the screenwriters backstage. Apparently, they've written two different versions of the same scene and are carefully going over the merits of each in their usual, highly professional manner.
(merithehobbit)
Meri: Hey.. I was first..[push]
Bunnie: Nooo.... mine is better! [shove]
Meri: OW... hey...grrrr [yank hair]
Bunnie: AAAAAAAAOOOOOWWW! Stop that! [scratches Meri's face]
Meri: HEY! Blooooddd! Mommieeeeee! [gives Bunnie a kick]
Bunnie: OOOOOWW.. Bruisess....[punches Meri's eye]
Meri: AAAAAAAAAAKKKKK! SHINER! [reaches for Bunnies hair again]
Idril: Now, now you two.. [stands between two frazzled bleeding, and fluffed haired hobbits] I'll figure it all out for you.
Bunnie: Tattle tale.
Meri: [kick...miss]
Idril: [smack..]Stop it.. You're in Time OUT Meri..
Meri: [pout]
Bunnie: Heh heh....
Idril: Hey.. don't rub it in.
Meri: Yeah...
Idril: Shh.
Meri: Scowl.. FINE..[walks off in a huff]
(BunnieBugs)
Bunnie: [razzberries Meri, who's in time-out] Thbbbbphht!
Meri: I'm telling! Iii-driill!!
Idril: [from the other room] Knock it off, both of you, or you can never see the movie again!
Meri and Bunnie: WAAAAAH!!! (sniff, sniff!)
Bunnie: (sniff) I'm sorry I yelled at you, Meri!
Meri: And I'm sorry I kicked you, Bunnie.
[They throw their arms around each other.]
Both: WAAAAHHH!
Meri: Well, I feel better. Let's go have a beer...
Bunnie: All right, but it's on me. Last one to the Burping Troll is a rotten orc!
OUTTAKE: Helm's Deep
(ArwenfromRome)
Arwen: Hey, I know I'm not supposed to be here according the book, but Peter Jackson wanted me to be at Helm's Deep and here I come.
Has anyone seen my precccioussssss, hum, my boyfriend?"]]
(merithehobbit)
Wolf Slitzer: (sobbing and wiping off blood... looks up to see the vision of beauty that is Arwen) Sniff.. uh.. OH...My Lady! [wipes away tears.. straightens his tie] My Lady, Arwen.. are you searching for your beloved Aragorn?
Arwen: Why.. [flips hair so it catches the breeze] yes.. I am so worried for him! Is he alive, is he well?
Wolf: Well? He is killing Orcs at 95 oph! Thus far I believe he is alive.. but I am sure, that without a doubt he is covered in blood. You better go find some handy-wipes if you want to.. eh...er...have any sort of reunion where touching is involved!
Arwen: Oh.. you got that right! Brought deodorant, breath mints, and even a SPONGE BATH..[smiles to herself] I am trained in medical assistance you know!
Wolf: [finally composed] Uh.. Geraldo.. this just in from the front.. I have Lady Arwen here looking over the battlefield for signs of her loved one.. Aragorn.
Geraldo: DAMN! How come he gets all the babe interviews!
Tom: He is closer to the fighting.. what? Oh.. [holding earpiece] Uh...huh.? Oh. Ladies and Gentlemen, Lady Arwen has graced the Helm with her presence, and behold.. hark.. we hear a horn.. ringing over the valley... It is Erkenbrand!
Geraldo: Erkenbrand?
Aragorn: [from far below] Behold the White Rider!
Geraldo: White Rider? Should I shoot?
Tom: [smack] You idiot! Gandalf has come with Erkenbrand.. you know.. reinforcements?
Geraldo: I knew that! Uh.. back to Wolf and the Fair Lady Arwen.. did she bring any news that we can report? How about sponge baths for the hard work us War Correspondents do?
Tom: Like she would give YOU a sponge bath.. Snork!
OUTTAKE: Window on the West
Faramir: [glance at Sam, and turning his back to Sam...lowering his voice] OK...so you saw a big, black, tailless, gleamy eyed, scurrying, hissing thing, and you think it is a squirrel?
Anborn: Hey...I am not a zoologist... I just shoot stuff...It could've been from Mirkwood, I am tellin ya...they got weird stuff there.
Legolas: HEY...[glare and lip curl] Pffffffffttttttt.
Anborn: WHOA! MEDIC...ack! Leggie here just shot my arm...OWW!
Faramir: [snork] BWAHAHAHAHAHAAAAA! Oh...blood...haahahahahahaaaaa! Cuuuuttt!
Camera crew: BWAHAHAHAAAAA!
Anborn: Hey...stop laughing at my woundage!
Whole crew: BWHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAA!
PJ: BWHAHAHA...Uh...where's our nurse? [snork, chortle] Uh... we need to fix that up for take two!
OUTTAKE: Journey to the Crossroads
Frodo: [looks longingly at Sam] Can we do it here?
Sam: Well, I suppose...but we are kind of out in the open...
Frodo: [pout] Let's do it over there...the crotch of that holm-oak looks nice...private...
Pippin: [from off the set] [snicker]
Merry: [from off the set] [giggle]
Frodo: What?
Pippin: You said crotch!
Merry: You said that the crotch of the tree was....private...[BWAHAHAAA!]
Sam: When are you two going to grow up and be a little tiny bit mature?
Pippin: Grow up?
Merry: Mature?
Frodo: [snork] That'll be the day!
Sam: [hahaaa!] When Mordor becomes a garden!
Frodo: [snerf] When Orcs take strawberry bubble baths...
Sam: [giggle] When Gandalf gets a nice little bob haircut...
Frodo: [laughs] When Gollum stops lisping....
All Hobbits: Erupt in laughter
Frodo: [sigh] I miss you guys...[pout]
Pippin: Don't worry Frodo...Only a book and a half left before we meet again...
Frodo: What? We get to meet again?
Merry: Shhh....Pip... don't tell him what happens...he won't go if he knows!
Pippin: Oh sorry...uh... here Frodo... have some tomahtoes and sausages...yum....
Frodo: Don't mind if I do.......
Sam: Frodo? Frodo? Wake up Frodo? Mister Frodo?
Frodo: What? [sits up] Was that a dream? Dang...I was talking to Merry was there...and Pippin, and you were there, and you [pointing at Gollum]...Oh Man... And I was just about to get some yummy food, and now here in reality I only have Spam? This sucks...stupid screenwriters...can't they give us anything good and fun to do, and eat?
Sam: Uh... Frodo... we are in a dramatic book, not a comedy...
Frodo: But this is the Parody of the book, shouldn't we get some good stuff too...nooooo it's walk, walk, walk, and starve, starve, starve...
Meri the screenwriter: Okay fine...here's a box of doughnuts, don't say I never did anything for you!
All Hobbits: MMMMM. DOUGHNUTS!
Frodo: Can I have a foot rub too?
Meri the screenwriter: [whispers] Well, as long as you don't tell Merry...or Legolas... they both think they're my favorites...but you have to look at me with those pretty blue eyes.
OUTTAKE: The Black Gate is Closed
(Idril)
Odd Narrator: Frodo, Sam and Gollum finally reached the Black Gate. They knew it was the Black Gate because their was a large neon sign above it with a Red-Eye logo and the words: "THE BLACK GATE ~ All Who Enter Will Despair!" There they saw a large group of very strange people waiting in front of a velvet rope. They wore all black: black leather, black fishnets and black teeshirts with bizarre demonic symbols. Many wore black and white makeup, and the sheer variety of pierced body parts and tattoos was amazing.
Guy with ring thru nose: Gollum! Dude!
Girl with multiple brow piercings: Smee! Sweetie! You never called!
Gollum: Gothmog!* My man! Bunnie!* Hey sorry girl... had stuff to do.
*No relation to the screenwriters or their families, of course.
Gwmbp: <pout>
Odd Narrator: Gollum led the hobbits to the front of the pack, where a small orc and a large troll stood between the rope and the Gate.
Troll: <unhooks rope to let a pair of female wraiths through (apparently a same-sex couple from the way they're hanging on each other). Thumpin' Techno music leaks out as they open the Gate and go in.>
Orc: Gollum, LTNS!
Gollum: Russell! <they high five>
Orc: <low voice> Ummmm... who are the gimps?
Gollum: <shakes head> Long story, dude. Think you can get us in?
Orc: <looks Frodo and Sam up and down, taking in the curly brown hair, travel-stained waistcoats, grey cloaks, walking sticks, furry bare feet...etc, etc.> We can always squeeze you in, Smee... but we're kinda packed tonight.... uhhh... there's a war on you know.
Troll: <grunt>
Gollum: Oh, come on, man!
Orc: <whispering> No way! Come on, my manager would freak!
Troll: <unhooks rope to let a particularly hideous goblin couple through>
Gollum: <shows him a fifty>
Orc: <whispering> You've got to be kidding... that one's wearing a effin' green VEST!
Gollum: Alright, I understand. Everybody's got a job to do. C'mon hobbits, the Black Gate is closed. Gotta find another way!
OUTTAKE: The Passage of the Marshes
(merithehobbit)
Sam: I feel sick!
Frodo: Sorry Sam... I didn't mean to eat them all.
Sam: Noooo. Not that. Look out there...I thought the Marshes were gross and scary! This place makes it look like a garden.
Gollum: Niccce placcccce Marsssshess.. Let'ssss go backsssess, buy a condosssss?
Frodo: What?....[snicker][snerfff] are you Merry now?
Gollum: Cantsss helpsss it...It'ssss Meri the screenwriterssss...she lovessss that real esssstatesss hobbitssss.
Sam: [snerk]
Frodo: [snork...hahahahahahahahaha!]
PJ: CUT!
Frodo: [snicker]...Gollum, you're a hoot!
Sam: Hahahahahahahha! Oh.. gotta pee!
Gollum: Meeesss Toooosss! I don'tsss wantss to wetsss my loinclothsssssssesss!
PJ: [snork] Ok, take five...[chuckle]
OUTTAKE: The Passage of the Marshes
(Russellbor)
Frodo: Hold me Sam! Hold me till worlds ending or death take me!
Sam: OH! I see what's happening now! It's that nincompo. . .I mean spectacularly handsome Russellbor again! Help Bridget! HELLLLLP!
(Bridget Chubb)
Bridget: [flies onto the set from offscreen] SAM!!
Bunnie and Thran: [pull her away]
Idril: Now come on, Bridget, you can't just put yourself in the parody like that!
Bridget: [resisting] But Sam needs me! Look what Russ did to him!
Frodo: [puts his arm around Sam] Don't listen to her, Sam. Just let yourself go...Have I ever told you about how I like to watch you work in the garden without a shirt on?
Bridget and Sam: [gasp in horror]
Russ: [offscreen] Heh heh heh...
Bridget: Russ! I can't believe you're doing this again! Why can't you leave him alone?
Thran: Well what do you expect? It is a parody, after all.
Bunnie: Besides, there's nothing you can do about it now. You heard Idril...we can't just start writing ourselves in like that!
[Frodo hops into Sam's lap with an evil grin]
Bridget: I can't just stand by and watch this happen!
Sam: Um, Mr. Frodo, sir, please try to understand...
Silli: [sigh] I don't think he's going to understand, Sam. At least not until another screenwriter fixes it!
Aneya: Don't worry. Meri's writing right now!
[Bridget and Sam suddenly brighten]
Sam: Oh thank Eru!
Bridget: Meri! Please, please hurry! Please fix this!
Sam: Damn straight!
(merithehobbit)
Meri: [smacks Sir Russ] Hey! Now... you know it is a Friday, and everyone else is out being normal except you...(well, and me) Now let me see...[cracks knuckles] hmmmm...
Frodo: Weird! Sam... all of a sudden I feel normal again, well tired and weak, but not... you know not all [whispers].
Sam: Well, Halle-freeekin-luujah! Someone musta bumped Russ!
Frodo: [pauses, looks and sees lots of dots]Oh, no! It's Meri...[kicks a lump of mud] We're going to have to follow the book...and do lots of run on sentences...with lots... and lots... of pauses!
Sam: Do you think she will let me kill Gollum... where has he gone?
OUTTAKE: The Passage of the Marshes
(The Greene Lady)
Greene Lady: Formaldehyde? That's not coming from the bog, that's coming from the desk sitting here waiting to be put together. It's so bad it's reached through cyber-space! Why do you think they call me the Greene Lady ?
Sam: Cyber-space? What's that? And who the heck is the Greene Lady?
BTS Narrator: Yeah, my thoughts exactly, what do you think you are doing crashing this parody anyhow? You can't just write yourself in!
Greene Lady: Well, actually I was looking for a party to crash. And didn't someone else write themselves in too? [to Sam] Um, I think someone is planning a Birth-day party for you Sam and I really wanted to come, but my invitation must have gotten lost in cyber-space.
[pout pout]
Sam: There's that cyber-space thing again! What the H*** is that?
Frodo: Doesn't that have something to do with Guy Williams and Billy Mummy?
[Everyone looks stupefied]
Entire cast except Frodo: Guy Williams? Billy Mummy?
BTS Narrator: I know a Billy Boyd, is that who you mean?
Gollum: Guy Williamsssssss...Issss he a Hobbit??? Nice hobbittssessss...
Frodo: No, no, no! Haven't you people ever watched Lost In Space? What do you do in- between takes here? Re-runs are the greatest!! I could watch them in my trailer for hours-uh that is when I'm not um...cuddling with Sam [wink wink..] WARNING WARNING [walking around waving arms up and down]
[More stupefied looks]
Frodo: What, you've never heard of Robot either? Sheesh, you guys need to get a life.
Greene Lady: Sam, could I come to your party? Pretttyyy pleeaaassssee?
Sam: I don't know what you're talking about. I'm not having any party, and it's not really my birthday either. I think someone is yanking your chain.
BTS Narrator: Yeah, go away and bother someone else, why don't you go crash the Star War's set. No stinking formaldehyde there, them people got it made. HEY! Why don't we all go ? Who needs this slime anyhow?
Everyone: We all do! It's in our contract!
BTS Narrator: [mutters some curse words under breath that can't be repeated here]
Greene Lady: Ok, I get the hint. I'll go lurk somewhere else, formaldehyde is fuzzing my brain anyhow.
Sam: [to himself] I think your brain is already wigged out lady.
Greene Lady: Hey, I heard that! [miffed] I'm leaving I'm leaving! But you haven't heard the last from me!! [stomps off]
Frodo: Hey Greenie, you can come visit me in my trailer anytime. We can play hide the sau... I mean we can watch re-runs if you want!
Sam: [looking daggers] Good riddance!!
Gollum: [disappointed] Guy Williamssss....sounded like a nicccccce entree....
OUTTAKE: The Choices of Master Samwise
(merithehobbit)
Odd Narrator: The camera slowly drifts through golden trees and sun shining up to the flet that is Galadriel's chamber. The Lady Galadriel, Celeborn, and a crowd of Androgynous Elves are gathered.
Celeborn: YES! YES! YES! Get em' [jumping up and pumping his fists]
Elves: YEAH SAM! Kill that spider!
Celeborn: [smacks Galadriel on her arm] Did you see that? He pierced that baggy bug...while she was trying to crush him...that has got to be nasty...
Galadriel: [glaring at Celeborn and rubbing her arm] Yes, yes...I doubt Shelob has ever even had a scratch...well, she underestimated Samwise Gamgee.
Elf #1: [Questioning eyes] How? That little Hobbit is not a match for her?
Galadriel: Ah...but you don't have telepathic powers as I do... Sam's the smartest one of the bunch...in the best way. Others in this story are more book learned, wise about the world, or more skilled, but he can call anyone's bluff...and loyal as any devoted puppy! He reads people better than he can read words. He does have a little self-esteem problem...stemming from all the abuse he had as a child but it is something that made him a more observant person
Elf #2: What? Sam is smart and a hero?
Galadriel: Of course, he is your typical underachiever. He doesn't have a huge ego, but he knows his duty and his place. He is a great judge of character because by performing his duties...quietly and listening...making use of his station in life to discover the motivations, desires, and actions of those around him.
Celeborn: [watching the screen] I just really like that song about your glass...Sambone...Sambone! He will probably get a record label calling now!
Galadriel: [watching Sam scare off Shelob with the glass] I am glad I had Phial tweaked with Turbo!
Phial: WHOO HOO!
Elves: YAY!
Galadriel: Better view now...oh dear...that can't be comfortable [looking at Frodo]
Elf #6: [weeping] Poor Frodo! He's dead?
Celeborn: WHAT? After that cool fight...and the stupid spider won?
Elves: [shock and dismay]
Galadriel: Oh dear! [sniff] I need a tissue. [watching the screen] This is sadder than...well...all those stories in the Silmarillion...Frodo...[sob]...
Elf #4: Oh...he had the most beautiful eyes...[sniffle]
Elf #3: Poor Sam...Frodo was his most beloved friend...[dabs eyes]
Elf #1: What? I am going to have to pen "A Lament for Frodo" now?
Elf #2: I'll do "Sam the Super-Spider Killing Hobbit" Sounds like a nice one for a party?
Elf #2: Uh...[looking at the camera] Are we allowed to cry...when they're rolling?
Galadriel: WHAT? They're rolling! [runs over to camera and puts her hand over the lense] You just turn that off Mister!
Cameraman: This is great, Behind the Elves...They actually cry? [WHOA...Camera buzzes and bumps and a very nice looking Elf heads straight for the camera and it goes black.
The Two Towers -- Behind The Screenwriters
Caution: The following contains much silliness and self-insertion. The managment cannot be responsible for lost braincells.
BTS: Concerning Sandwiches
(merithehobbit)
(scene: Off stage left during the filming of The King of the Golden Hall)
Pippin: Uh...Sam? Do you think they have any more of those... grilled cheese sandwiches? I am starving!
Sam: Yeah... actually the do...they only had to shoot that scene once even with all the weird language.
Frodo: Once.. only once? Wow, I am impressed.
Merry: Well, you know that screenwriter Idril, she writes such an easy read... it is hard to screw up.
Idril: Thanks Merry.
Sam: [looks up] AAAAAAAAAAAAAKKKKKK WATCH OUT!
Dark Smelly Bad Guy: Bwahahahaha... take that!
[throws firecracker]
(ssssssssssssssssssssssisisssssssssssssisisisiisissiissss)
Merry: OH NO! Another one of those!
Frodo: Put it out! Put it out! Fire, foes, awake!
Pippin: [runs over with a pint and pours it on the sizzling explosive] Oh.. there goes me pint!
Idril: Hey guys, just ignore it.. it is a virtual world remember?
Sam: Oh. yeah? She's right! If we pretend that there are no firecrackers, they just won't be there!
Hobbits: Yay Idril, screenwriter extrordinaire..
Idril: Yeah, yeah.. get to work.. you're wasting good virtual movie space.
Merry: But.. we don't have to show up again for 3 more chapters!
Frodo: You should talk.. I have to wait till the end of the book!
Sam: C'mon Frodo, lets go to the gym again...gotta get those muscles ready for the rappelling. It is only six more chapters.. and if Meri ever stops typing this stupid Outtake it should go a lot faster!
Frodo: Ok...stop it Meri.
Meri: OK... just trying to justify writing my heroes names a few more times.
Hobbits: AAAWWWWWW! Shucks..
Meri: Not you.. you guys are pretend.. Idril! She is smart and witty! She can cut, paste, merge and annotate! And even give a few zingers.. you guys just eat and fluctuate in your sexual orientation!
Pippin: Sheesh.. screenwriters.. so cocky.. what are they a union now?
[Hobbits wander off]
BTS: Who's This Gay Guy?
(merithehobbit)
[[THRAN!!! LOL! *snork*, snicker and baawwwwwwwwwahhhhaaaaaaaa!) Love it!]]
(Thranduilion)
Thran: [GASP] Psst, hey Legolas, she liked it!
Legolas: This isn't my chapter! Go away and let me keep hunting orcs.
Thran: Fine. Ignore me, then. Hee hee. I make her snork, snicker, AND baawwwwwwwwwahhhhaaaaaaaa! [pats self on back] Ouch, ooh, strained a muscle there.
(merithehobbit)
Meri: OOOOhhh.. I did that yesterday! Ouch! Here's some Bengay...
Frodo: Hey.. Meri you have Bengay? GIVE IT HERE..
Sam: I'll get it from her.[wrestle]
Meri: NOOOO...it is for Thran.. only screenwriters are allowed to use it.. specifically for patted back muscles.
Frodo: You don't know the kind of strained muscles we have been having while you guys are in book 3!
Sam: And I have sore hand muscles from rubbing Frodo's feet and back all the time.
Gollum: Bengay?... is it tasssssssstttttttyyyy... [sniff] OHHH... stinnnnkkkkkky ssmmmmmmelllllllyyy.. [throws it at Thran]
Frodo/Sam/Gollum: [walk of grumpily]
Meri: [yells after them] Well, I can't help it if Tolkien wrote his book that way...it just leaves you hanging...[regular voice]fine.. sulk.. celebrities... get all the credit while we do all the hard work. [Pat...pat...oohh.. did it again] need the Bengay again!
BTS: Concerning Fingers
(Bridget Chubb)
Gollum: [to Frodo] I do not mean to pry, preciousss, but you do not by any chance have four fingersss on your right hand, gollum
Frodo: [gives Gollum strange look] Do you always begin conversations this way?
Gollum: My besst friend wass slaughtered by a four-fingered hobbit, gollum
Frodo: Deagol? I thought you slaughtered Deagol.
Gollum: You're jusst avoiding the question, yess preciouss.
Frodo: [sigh] [holds up five fingers]
Gollum: What? But itss in the sscript, yess preciouss! "Frodo of the Nine Fingerss and the Prec...Ring of Doom!"
Frodo: What? Let me see that!
Sam: [grabs script] Um, I don't think that's such a great idea, Mr. Frodo...
Frodo: You mean you know what he's talking about? Nine fingers??
Sam: Look Mr. Frodo, why don't I just draw you a nice strawberry-scented bubble bath and you can relax...
Frodo: What? I thought Bridget was writing this!
Bridget: *sigh* Look, just because he's drawing you a bath doesn't mean anything, OK? It's just you're so narcoleptic on the way to Mordor that if you tried to draw your own bath, you'd just fall in and drown yourself!
Frodo: Yeah, yeah...I know. Actually, a bath sounds pretty...Hang on. You're just trying to change the subject! Sam, come on, tell me! What's this about the 'nine fingers' thing?
Sam: Umm...[glances offset] I really don't think we should be talking about this right now...[aside] Psst...Hey, can we get someone over here? He's gonna start freaking out again...I really can't deal with this today!
PJ: Okay, hold on a sec. Hey, where's the first aid team? We need some meds over here, pronto!
BTS: The Voice of The Palantir
(Thranduilion)
[And Bridget returned to the parody and there was much rejoicing! ]
Crowds of Rohan: Pih pih Yarooh! Pih pih Yarooh! Pih pih Yarooh!!!
(BunnieBugs)
Bunnie: I'll second that! Eeppiy!
Palantir: Did you hear? She wants to write about me!
Bunnie: Well, that's kosher. We can always use more writers. And I'm sure she'll know just what to do with a little trouble-maker like you!
Palantir: [GASP!] Little ol' me? Why, I'm not bad: I'm just written that way!
Bunnie: Yeah, well, we'll see about that...
BTS: Sympathy for the Little Devils
(merithehobbit & Bunniebugs)
Bunnie: Hey, Meri! It just occurred to me that I am not looking forward to M & P being separated for ROTK. It's been so much fun letting them play off each other! *sniff, sniff* Do you feel the same?
Meri: I so do.. you can not imagine.. the comprehension of the two apart.. how are we going to do this?
Bunnie: Kinda funny... I almost feel like I now have more empathy with their feelings of loneliness and separation from each other...
Somebody get me a tissue...
(merithehobbit)
Meri: Here ya go.. they're Puffs.. the best.. so soft! OH.. MAN! Don't remind me [sniff]... it makes me soooooo sad in the book, how they miss and worry about each other... and the banter just won't be the same... [sniff] with them separate [sob] and each isolated [whimper] with those boring big people..[honk]
Aragorn: Hey.. we're not boring!
Meri: Yes you are [wipes eyes].. you don't nearly have the one liners and Merry and Pippin!
Aragorn: Well, you're just saying that because Merry and Pippin are your favorites!
Meri: THAT IS NOT TRUE![glances away] That is so not true [glances at Bunnie]
Aragorn: She's doing the glancy thing?
Meri: Am not!
Aragorn: Are too!
Meri: [scowl] You're sooo mature.. I think I'll write....
Bunnie: Should I tell him?...
Meri: [to Bunnie] NO! Don't you dare.. [to Aragorn] Just because I was named after the bestest Hobbit Meriadoc, doesn't mean I don't like you other guys too...
Merry: WHOO HOO! [nudges Pippin] Did you here that.. I am the bestest...
Pippin: HEY!
Meri: Well, I like Pip too.
Pippin: Of course you do... we're related! Here, have a donut.
Meri: Well, Okay.. is it Krispy Kreme?... SHHH BUNNIEEEEE!
Bunnie: [giggle] She thinks Legolas is a hottie!
Aragorn: [scoff]Like that's a revelation.. everyone thinks Legolas is a hottie!
Legolas: People think I am a hottie?
Meri and Bunnie: [collapse into a pile of giggles] BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAH... heee.. heeee..he has no ideaaaaahhahahahahahahaha!
Pippin: SHHHHH.... this is a good part.. and the virgin is trying it!
Merry: WHOO HOO.. first time? GO for it Celebrain3G....
Meri: Well, Bunnie.. we can always do outtakes!
(BunnieBugs)
Bunnie: Sounds good to me. Can we still be parody hogs, too?
Meri: By all means!
Bunnie: Cool. You know, I feel much closer to you since our little cat-fight...
Meri: I know! Me, too. Funny how those things go. Up for a beer?
Bunnie: Make it a margarita and you're on! ...Your treat this time!
(Thranduilion)
Thran: [butting in as Meri and Bunnie head over to the Burping Troll] Thank you, thank, you Celebrian3G! Eepiy! A wen retirw! Oh, one note of etiquette I forgot to mention . . . it's easier to read the posts if you put spaces between the lines.
Legolas: Stop criticizing.
Thran: I'm not criticizing! I'm just trying to help out! [pout]
Legolas: Well, see that you don't.
Thran: Fine.
Legolas: And people think I am a hottie?
Thran: Apparently.
AK: I sure do, sweet thing.
Legolas [caresses AK]: I love you, AK.
AK: [blush]
BTS: Pippin's Separation Anxiety
(Bunniebugs)
[Pippin sits in the dark beside a small campfire, idly pitching grass and twigs into the flames.]
Pippin: (sigh!) I'm so bored! I wish Merry were here. I don't think I've ever been this lonely before. (sniff) And I may never see him again. (blows nose loudly into a handkerchief) [HONK!] Hmmm, I wonder if this thing would burn.
[Throws the hankie onto the fire, where it sizzles, curls, and disappears.]
Pippin: Well, that wasn't very exciting. Merry could always find the best stuff to burn up... WAAAHHH! I miss Merry!
[Pippin puts his face in his arms and sobs.]
Pippin: (sob, sob) If he were here, he'd prob'ly know just what to say... something like...
[Merry wanders onto the set munching an apple.]
Merry: Hey, Pip! What'cha doin'?
Pippin: (sob) Yeah, just like that. Wha-? (lifting head) Merry! Merry old pal! (jumps up and gives Merry huge bear hug)
Merry: Steady on! What's this all about?
Pippin: I didn' think I'd see you again for chapters and chapters!
Merry: But we're on break while they're over with Frodo and Sam.
Pippin: Then, what's with this guy? (points at the camera man)
Merry: Aw, he's just messin' with you. He's not even filming.
Cameraman: (snicker!)
Pippin: Then why is that little red light on?
Cameraman: GUFFAW!!
Pippin: Why, you... (grabs the apple out of Merry's hand and pitches it at the camera)
Cameraman: Whoa, watch the equipment!
Pippin: You'd better watch YOUR equipment! (runs toward the cameraman)
Merry: (gleefully) Get 'im, Pip!
[Suddenly the scene wobbles and pitches over sideways, and we see Pippin and Merry chasing after a chubby figure away into the darkness.]
Cameraman: Guys... c'mon, guys! It was just a joke...
Pippin: You'll wish it was a joke when I get you...
BTS: Meri's Hormones
(merithehobbit)
Russ: Oh man, it was a good day in parodyland! Bunnie, Meri, Thran, you all kicked a**. This chapter rocks!
Thran: Thank you Russ! This chapter does rock indeedie!
Meri: Hey, Bunnie...did ya hear that? Russ...the Sir Russ... the baaaaadddd Sir Russster... [nudge] he thinks we kick a**!
Bunnie: I know... amazing huh?
Meri: That just made my century!
Bunnie: Don't you think that's exaggerating just a tad?
Meri: OK, well, you're right...but I'm entitled today...I was grumpy.
Bunnie: Really? Couldn't tell.
Meri: [pout] What?
Idril: Nope, couldn't tell at all..[snork]
Meri: [snork] You guys are the best...Sorry I was grumpy...but I guess it turned out Okay...thanks for your concern and support *sniff*...*dabs eyes* group hug?
Russ: Whoa...outta here.
Bunnie: Wimp. She wanted to snuggle with me earlier.
Meri: [blush] Sorry, hormones...make me crazy.
Russ: I am sooo out of here.
Mike: I am so with you...
BTS: Russ's Kisses His Sister With That Mouth?
(merithehobbit and Russellbor)
(Russ revising a cursing faux pas)
Russ: Okay, here it is, revised from it's original virgin...
Frodo: WATCH IT!
Russ: Er. . . virgin edition. (snicker)
TAKE TWO:
Netscape: BWHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! [disappear]
Russ: Dangit...didn't work...#%$%# Netscape! [re-post]
Netscape: [snicker] Now they're both on there [chortle]
Russ: Okay, here it is, revised from it's virgin edition. . .
Frodo: Watch it!
Russ: Um, original virgin. (snicker)
Frodo: *sigh*
Other Screenwriters: [snork]
(Thranduilion)
Russ: Now, I think you folk promised me a beating [for cursing], and I mean to make you keep it!
Thran: Happy to oblige. Except I don't feel like handing out a beating. How about a sparring round instead?
Voice: BEGIN!
Thran and Russ: [bounce bounce bounce checkcheck AIEEAH! bounce bounce checkcheck backstep AIEEAH! AIEEAH! bounce checkcheck check STEPSPINNINGHOOKKICK {dang, missed} check checkcheck AIAH! AIAH! AIAEEH! pausepause bounce bounce pause SKIPPINGAXEKICK {yessss!} AIAH!AIE!AIEEAH! pause pause checkcheck AIEAIE!!!]
Voice: BREAK!
Thran: [pant, pant, wheeze] Well, Judas Priest! I'm plumb tuckered out after that round.
Russ: [gulp, pant, cough] Me too. Goodness gracious me. Truce?
Thran: Truce. How about a drink over at the Burping Troll?
Russ: You're underage.
Thran: Oh yeah. [sigh]
Russ: Go do your homework.
Thran: Yessir. [scuffles away]
BTS: Scriptwriters' Party
Idril: As the Director From The Fiery Pits Of Hell (DFTFPOH), I officially declare this a superb parody day!
Thran: As the Annoyingly Nitpicky Screenwriter Who Doesn't Have Much To Write At The Moment, (ANSWDHMTWATM) I second the motion! Wow! This has GOT to be one of the best so far . . . though we've had some other winners, too. [Thran passes around homemade oatmeal chocolate chip cookies to all the talented screenwriters of the current chapter.] Thanks guys!
(merithehobbit)
Big sign hanging on the board: Party for the Best Parody Writers on the LOTR.net Board
Meri the screenwriter: (off set in the screenwriter's greenroom eating Thran's oatmeal chocolate chip cookies) These are fabulous Thran...Thran? Oh She's writing the rope part... anyone for cookies?
Bunnie: OH Yum! Thanks... nibble.
Meri: Snork.. you nibbled...giggle.. Bunnie... get it? Bwhahahahahaha!
Idril: You gals were silly and most inspired today!
Meri: WOW! Thanks Idril... You did the MOST fabulous job on your bit today too...I think I am going to change my sig again!
Idril: That just keeps happening lately.
BWM: That is because there are just so many to choose from!
Bunnie: And we don't have the AAAAAAAAUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGHHHH! Thread any more!
BWM: Growl... that was a good thread...I think I'll go draw another picture.
Meri: HEY, BWM needs to be our illustrator...seeing as there are no warg parts coming up any time soon.
Bunnie: I guess we better do the Hobbit after we get done with LOTR? There's wargs in that!
Meri: Hey... then we can do the Silmarillion after that!
All screenwriters: NOOOOOOOOO!
Meri: What?
Bridget [walks in]: Great job guys.. can I have a cookie too? Did you see the sign? SNORK!
Meri: I know.. like there are any other parody's going on on this board...snork!
Bunnie: But we WERE particularly awesome today...Here are the cookies Bridget.. they're great! You did sooooo good Bridget! It was so perfect!
Bridget: I know! It is strange how many other things fit into this parody!
Idril: Do you think it could be that other fantasy novelists drew from Tolkien's work?
Meri: Snork... ya think?
Russ: [sneaks up behind everyone] And I thought we would get away with not talking about the fine work of Terry Brooks in this chapter!
Meri: Oh Hey Russ! You did great tonight! It was a good day at the keyboard today...maybe something was in the air?
Russ: You don't want to know what was in the air today!
Meri: That smelly huh?
Russ: Snork!
Meri: Just teasing ya.. Sir Russ! [curtseys] You did a great job... well you always do, that is a given...
aneya26 [arrives]: Oh Hi guys...I am soo excited to be included in your parody! Can I have a cookie too?
Bridget: Of course! And cookies abound!
Russ: You're telling me... you should see the things that keep popping up on my screen!
Meri: Hey [looking at her cookie]do cookies do that?
BWM and Idril: HAHAHAHAHAHA! AWWHHHHHOOOOOOOO! SNORK!
Meri: What? Another syntax error joke? I only understand the written word, not the programming stuff!
Russ: It's OK.. you at least figured out ROTFL and LOL now!
Thran: And you got us ROTFL today... so nevermind the wizards over there!
Bunnie: Well, computer wizards or silly amateurs we love anyone to join us...I think we have a few lurkers who could do a great job... maybe they're shy?
Bridget: Just as long as they don't pop in and start yelling about Terry Brooks we'll be OK.
The screenwriter's greenroom bursts into laughter!
Idril: The Fighting Shanarra!
Meri: Well, this is a pathetic party/outtake...I can't even think of any good one liners... I guess I better go to bed!
Bridget: Slumber party at Meri's.
Bunnie: YAY! I love a sleepover!
Meri: WAIT! No slumber parties... at least until we can get the real movies on DVD!
Screenwriters: Hooray!
Meri: See ya in the morning guys... I am going to write this day in my calendar...it is a holiday now!
BTS: Bridget is a Pervy Sam Fancier
(Bridget Chubb)
Sam: Bridget?
Bridget: Wh-Sam? What are you doing here?
Sam: I just wanted to say thank you...you know, for trying to save me from Russ and Frodo.
Bridget: Oh, well, you don't have to thank me! [glances around] I mean, Meri's the one that really saved you...Now then, why don't you run along and go see Frodo...
Sam: Bridget? What's wrong? Don't...don't you like me?
Bridget: [hugs Sam] Of course I like you! You know you're my favorite! It's just that...well...[looks around again] *whispers* What if someone sees us? I don't want everyone to think I'm like Thran...going around having conversations with fictional characters all the time...Not that there's anything wrong with that! It's just, you know...
Sam: Oh...I understand. [hangs head and starts walking away]
Bridget: Oh, Sam, don't do that! Look, I'm sorry. I - I didn't mean it. Please come back?
Sam: No, no, I wouldn't want to ruin your reputation like that.
Bridget: Well, *sigh* my reputation's shot to hell anyway. I mean really...I've already described myself as a pervy Sam fancier! It's even in my ode verse!
Sam: You...you're a pervy Sam fancier?
Bridget: well...*blush* yeah...Look, I'm really sorry, Sam. I shouldn't have said that, especially on your birthday! Let's go celebrate!
Sam: Okay!
BTS Narrator: And so Sam and Bridget went off to celebrate Sam's birthday...with a huge lunch of 'taters. What were YOU thinking they were going to do, you pervs?
Sorry...that just kinda came to me and I couldn't resist! :) Now everyone go to Sam's party!