Acknowledgements:
This virtual film is a parody/tribute to The Lord of the Rings: Fellowship of the Ring by JRR Tolkien.
Screenwriters: aneya26, ArwenfromRome, azaeliahardbotle, BadWargMama, Bencalhoun, Bridget Chubb, BunnieBugs, Celebsul, DancinLikeHobbit, dyanstar, Ekla Reuel, FluffyGreyKitty, FrodoPippinSam, IdrilCelebrindal (aka Idril), Idril's son Matthew, Liberace, lotr42, Mcnallyrf4, MEDICRN18, merithehobbit, Narsilia, pippin1986, RUSSELLBor (aka Russ), Sevilodorf, Silarien, suekota7, Thranduilion and tinuvielberen.
Medical services provided by.... House of Healing, Sixth Level, Minas Tirith
Catering services provided by.... The Burping Troll, Netscape, Middle Earth
Tutor for Cute Hobbit Children.... Professor Findegil of Gondor
Acknowlegements: The virtual filmmakers would like to express their sincere appreciation to the everyone that worked on the real LOTR: FOTR movie (The cast and crew list can be seen here (www.lordoftherings.net)
Peter Jackson, you done good! Come join us at the Burping Troll sometime. They have PJ burp-a-like contests on Wednesdays.
Fran and Phillipa, what in the heck were you thinking? That had to be the most difficult screenwriting job ever in the history of mankind! We're amazed you didn't go postal and mow down a few dozen Tolkien scholars. Anyhoo, thanks for capturing the heart and soul of our favorite tale.
Idril sends a big *MUAH* to both Sir Ians!
We would also like to thank the following individuals and organizations for their inspiration, and for the unexpectedly low influx of lawsuits and death threats:
AC/DC, Arkansas WOOD Manufacturers Association, the B-52s, Bashki, the Beatles, Senator Lloyd Benson, Milton Beryl, Barry Bonds, Boy George, Burger King Corporation, George Burns, the Proprietors of the Burping Troll, California RedWOOD Association, Canadian Institute of Treated WOOD, George Carlin, Dale Carnegie, Dana Carvey, Cassandra of the Very Secret Diaries, the inventor of cheese, The Cocoa Cola Company, the Crackpots at flyingmoose.org, Charles Dickens, Walt Disney Corporation, the citizens of Dodge City, Kansas, Stephen Donaldson, ethay elpfulhay olksfay atway www.snowcrest.net/donnelly, the Drifters, Enron Corporation, Florida WOOD Council, Al Franken, Gloria Gaynor, Al Gore, The Harvard Lampoon, TUTTE HERMSGERVØRDENBRØTBØRDA & his Møøse, the scary-smart folks at imladris.net, International WOOD Products Association, Interstate Bakeries Corporation, Elton John, M.T. Kalashnikov & the Red Army of the USSR, the citizens of Las Vegas, Nevada, the makers of that cool Life Cereal commercial, George Lucas, Barry Manilow, John MacEnroe, Marvel Comics, Meatloaf, Monty Python, Mike Myers, the Nazgirls (Elijah WOOD fans), Netscape, National Association of Real Estate Professionals, National Football League (NFL), writers of Tolkien parodies too numerous to mention, the inventor of Pig Latin, OPETW (Odd People for the Ethical Treatment of Wargs), Edgar Allen Poe, Elvis Presley, professional boxers, Ralph the Wonder Llama, RPETAAEW (Reasonable People for the Ethical Treatment of All Animals Except Wargs), the always complimentary folks at www.renfaire.com, The Rolling Stones, Gioacchino Rossini, the insufferable William Shattner, SIGDS (Sam Isn't Gay Dammit Society), Charlie Sheen, SPETO (Silly People for the Ethical Treatment of Orcs), Will Smith, Sting, Bernie Taupin, The Swedish WOOD Exporters' Association, The WOODnet Alliance, the Three Stooges, the makers of Tic-Tacs, Christopher Tolkien & the Tolkien Estate, the Right Honorable TZHorvath, the United States Air Force, Juan V aldez, WOOD Truss Council of America, the Xtreme Football League (XFL) and "Wrong Way" Zimmerman.
Ditto for the creators of the following mighty fine films, songs, television shows &etc:
"Alvin and the Chipmunks", "Austin Powers", "Beavis and Butthead", "Bonanza", "Castaway", "Cheers", "The Exorcist", "Fantasia", "Hill Street Blues", the song "Hot Hot Hot", "Jaws", "Jeopardy", "The Man Show", "Monty Python and the Holy Grail", "Mr. Ed", "Mystery Science Theater 3000", "The Princess Bride", "The Rocky Horror Picture Show", "Saturday Night Live", "Seinfeld", "The Simpsons", "Snow White and The Seven Dwarves", "South Park", "Star Wars" (all of 'em), "Whose Line is it Anyway?" and "The Wizard of Oz".
And last but not least... Sincere gratitude to our families, husbands, wives, children, significant others, friends and pets; for though they may roll their eyes, shake their heads, smile grimly, and groan, they love us and put up with us in spite of our obsession.
JPay, ouyay utpay atthay Aorimay otequay inway ethay editscray ustjay otay ivedray usway utsnay, idntday ouyay... ayay atray.
No Moths were harmed during the making of this film, however the Barmaid was slightly dented. No faggots were actually burned, nor are the references to the aforementioned word used truly meant as cruel. And if you don't get it we will refer you to the Defense of Male Sexual Preferences Division of the Politically Correct. We sincerely hope those who may take offense realize that we screenwriters only did this because we are somewhat immature and easily amused.
Outtakes and Deleted Scenes
Outtake: A Long Expected Party
(Idril)
[Scene: Gandalf's butterfly firework goes awry, sending cute hobbit children screaming for their lives.]
Outtake: A Knife in The Dark
(Idril)
[Scene: The Nazgirls have Frodo surrounded at Weathertop.]
[Aragorn leaps into the fray]
Aragorn: Frodo!
Frodo: Oh, hello.
Aragorn: Quick!
Frodo: What?
Aragorn: Quick!
Frodo: Why?
Aragorn: You are in great peril!
Nazgirl Captain: No, he isn't.
Aragorn: Silence, foul temptress!
Frodo: You know, she's got a point.
Aragorn: Come on! I'll cover your escape!
Frodo: Look, I'm fine!
Aragorn: Come on!
Nazgirl: Frodo!
Frodo: No. Look, I can tackle this lot single-handed!
Nazgirl Captain: Yes! Let him tackle us single-handed!
Nazgirl: Yes! Let him tackle us single-handed!
Aragorn: No, Frodo. Come on!
Frodo: No! Really! Honestly, I can cope. I can handle this lot easily.
Nazgirl Captain: Oh, yes. Let him handle us easily.
Nazgirl: Yes. Let him handle us easily.
Aragorn: No. Quick! Quick!
Frodo: Please! I can defeat them! There's only nine of them!
Nazgirl Captain: Yes! Yes, he will beat us easily! We haven't a chance.
Nazgirl: We haven't a chance. He will beat us easily...
[Frodo and Aragorn escape]
Nazgirl Captain: Oh, s***.
Aragorn: I was in the nick of time. You were in great peril.
Frodo: I don't think I was.
Aragorn: Yes, you were. You were in terrible peril.
Frodo: Look, let me go back and face the peril.
Aragorn: No, it's too perilous.
Frodo: Look, it's my duty as a ringbearer to sample as much peril as I can.
Aragorn: No, we've got to find the Cracks of Doom. Come on!
Frodo: Oh, let me have just a little bit of peril?
Aragorn: No. It's unhealthy.
Frodo: I bet you're gay.
Aragorn: No, I'm not.
Outtake: A Flight to The Ford
(Idril)
Scene: Glorfindel finds Aragorn and the hobbits near the trollshaws
Sam: That must be an elf!
Pippin: How can you tell?
Sam: He doesn't have s*** all over him!
Outtake: Many Meetings
(pippin1986)
[Scene: In Rivendell, when Aragorn and Arwen are flirting with each other in the woods (and you gotta wonder if they're doing more than flirting....hmmmmm... they're in the woods...all alone...)]
Aragorn: I love you yaddayaddayadda
Arwen: I choose you..yaddayaddayadda
Westley: ::pops up from behind a tree:: hey all! 'sup?
Aragorn: Hey!
Westley: ::ignoring Aragorn, heading straight for Arwen:: How're you, you pretty elven maid?
Arwen: ::looks into Westley's eyes like the sea after a storm::
Aragorn: ::pout:: ::thinks of ideas to get rid of Westley::
Westley: I like that necklace you have
Arwen: You like it? You can have it. It's like my heart. ::grabs necklace back from Aragorn, who looks like a lost puppy::
Westley: Wanna go wander around in the woods ALL ALONE ::glances at Aragorn::
Aragorn: ::to self:: must go find some sand pits or fire spurts or Rodents of Unusual Size and see if they can get rid of this Westley dude. ::wanders off to find pits fire and R.O.U.S's)
-Arwen and Westley wander about...
Suddenly Westley falls into comveniant sand pit. Survives when Arwen pulls him out. Then, as they walk along, a rodent appears. It is large.
Westley: Ahhh! This is gonna be fun!
R.O.U.S: Rawr
Wetsley: ::gets one look at those teeth, and runs for his life, and is not seen again for a few more scene...)
--
Arwen: Drat. Arraaagggoorrrnnnnw where are you? Come back! I got another necklace for you!
Aragorn: ::pout::
---they eventually get back together, but thei relationship is somewhat strained, since Arwen loved Westley, and Aragorn especially loved the hobbits.
Outtake: Many Meetings/Council of Elrond
(Russ)
(From Apocalypse of the Ring)
[Scene: bedroom in Rivendell.
Frodo is dressed only in his skivies. He has been on a week long drinking binge and is drunkenly practising martial arts in his bedroom. his gigantic Hobbit feet smashing everything in sight. Finally he collapses on the bed.]
Frodo (v.o.): Rivendell, s***. I'm still only in Rivendell. Every time I think I'm going to wake up back on the road. When I was home after I found out about the ring it was worse. I'd wake up and there'd be nothing...I hardly said a word to Gandalf until I said yes to the ring. When I was there, I wanted to be here. When I'm here, all I can think about is getting back on the road with the ring. I've been here a week now. Waiting for the decision, getting softer. Every minute I stay in this room I get weaker. And every minute Sauron sits in his tower he gets stronger. Each time I look around, the walls move in a little tighter. Everyone gets everything he wants. Well I wanted a decision, and for my sins, they gave me one. Brought it up to me like room service.
[two elves approach the bedroom]
Elf: Mr. Frodo? Are you in there?
Frodo: Yeah.
Frodo (v.o.): It was a real choice decision, and when it was over, I'd never want another.
Frodo: Whaddya want?
[door opens, Elves enter.]
Elf: You all right Frodo?
Frodo: How does it look like? hey buddy, are you gonna shut the door?
Elf: Frodo Baggins of Bag End? Hobbiton, the Shire?
Frodo: Yeah.
Elf: We have orders to escort you to the council.
[Elves grab Frodo and half walk, half drag him into a hot bath.]
Frodo: The Council?
Elf:That's right, come on Frodo, you still got a few hours to get cleaned up. Sinderil, give me a hand. Come on Frodo, lets get you cleaned up, in you go.
Frodo (v.o.): I was going to the worst place in the world and I didn't even know it yet. Weeks away and hundreds of miles down rivers and over mountains on a path that snaked through middle earth like a main circut cable and plugged straight into Sauron. It was no accident that I got to be caretaker of Saurons ring, any more than being here in Rivendell was an accident. There is no way to tell his story without telling my own. And if his story is really a confession, then so is mine.
[scene:council chamber]
Elrond: Come on in, be at ease Frodo. Want a pipe?
Frodo: No thank you sir.
Elrond: Frodo, have you ever met these gentlemen before?
Frodo: Except for Gandalf and Strider, no sir. Not personally.
Elrond:You have kept this burden pretty much too yourself haven't you?
Frodo: Yes sir, I have.
Elrond: Your report specifies Ringbearer, is that correct?
Frodo: I am not presently disposed to discuss these operations sir.
Elrond: Did you not carry the ring to Rivendell from the Shire? And did you not use said ring in your encounter with the Nazgul on Weather-top?
Frodo: Sir, I am presently unaware of any such activity or operation-nor would I be disposed to discuss such an operation if in fact it did exist sir.
Elrond: Frodo, you ever heard of a Sauron, Dark Lord of Middle Earth?
Frodo: Yes sir, I've heard the name.
Elrond: Formerly of the Maiar, servants of the Ainur.
Gandalf: Sauron was one of the most outstanding Maia Illuvatar ever produced. He was brilliant in every way. A good Maia too, a humanitarian and a good sense of humor. then he met Melkor and since then his methods have become. . .unsound, unsound.
Elrond: Now he's set up in Mordor with his orc army who worship him like a god, and follow every order, no matter how ridiculous.
Gandalf: Well I've got more news for you, he was about to be recalled to Valinor.
Frodo: I don't follow you sir, recalled? Recalled for what?
Elrond: Seems he started wanting to rule middle earth, took matters into his own hands. Seems he started making rings, and giving them out as gifts. Nine he gave to mortal men doomed to die, seven for the Dwarven kings in their halls of stone. And three the Elves made, all on their own. Then he made one ring to rule over all the others, and by doing so, rule over middle earth.
Gandalf: Well you see Frodo, It gets confused out there sometimes. Having Supernatural powers, ideals, out there among the mortals it must be a temptation to be God. Every man has a breaking point, you have, I have, even the Maiar, and Sauron has reached his. It's the ring. That, and very obviously, he has gone insane.
Frodo: Yes sir, very much so sir. Obviously insane.
Elrond: Our decision is to send you out to Lothlorien. There you will pick up a boat and head down river to the Falls of Rauros. From there you will cross over into Mordor, learn what you can about the place on the way. Once there you will go to Mount doom and cast the the ring into the pits. You will terminate the ring by whatever means nessecary.
Frodo: Terminate? The ring?
Gandalf: He's operating out there with out any decent restraint! Totally beyond the pale of any acceptable mortal or immortal conduct. And he is still in the field commanding his troops!
Glorfindel: Terminate. . .with extreme predjudice.
Elrond: You understand Frodo, that this operation does not exist, nor will it ever exist.
Outtake: Council of Elrond
(Idril)
[Scene: After the Council meeting, Elrond and Glorfindel hang up their robes, revealing corsets, stockings and high heels underneath.]
Elrond: <"elvish" voice> Did you see me out there? I was very gruff!
Glorfindel: You what?
Elrond: I waggled me wig!
Glorfindel: >squeals with delight<
Director: Cut! Very good!
Elrond: Was I poofy enough?
Director: Yes yes... very poofy. Nice girlish squeal there, Glorfindel.
Glorfindel:
Director: Okay, now stop... you're creeping me out.
Outtake: The Ring Goes South
(Idril)
[Scene: Merry and Pippin's room the night before they leave Rivendell.]
Pippin: It's December 24th! Hooray!
Merry: Why hooray? We're starting our journey tomorrow. There's no telling what horrible danger we'll be heading into.
Pippin: It's Christmas eve!
Merry: Pippin, we don't have Christmas in Middle-Earth.
Pippin: Why not?
Merry: We're pre-Christian, remember?
Pippin: No Santa?
Merry: Nope.
Pippin: Waaah!
Merry: Well Elrond's a jolly old elf. Perhaps if you sit on his lap he'll give you a piece of candy.
Pippin: He suggested that already.
Merry: I suppose that would be the advantage of being a pagan. They can celebrate any holiday they please. If anyone objects, they just claim that it was a pagan holiday before the Christians stole it.
Pippin: Do you think I could get a transfer? I think I'd be a good wizard.
Merry: I doubt it.
Pippin: Well, could I become a pagan, so that I could celebrate Christmas?
Merry: Good heavens no! Professor Tolkien would leap out of his grave and come smack you himself. Now put some clothes on and go to sleep!
Outtake: The Bridge of Khazad-Dum
(Aneya26)
[Dedicated to Sir Ian McKellen]
Director: [to Gandalf] Um..the Balrog is taking the day off today, something about needing to go to a craft store. Anyway, I'm afraid that the part of the Balrog will be played by a yellow tennis ball on a stick.
Gandalf: WHAT!!??
Director: [introducing replacement actor to Gandalf] He's name is Wilson.
Tennis Ball: Hullo!
Gandalf: [puzzled] I thought Wilson was a volleyball.
Tennis Ball: Different Wilson. He's my second cousin, once removed on his mother's side.
Gandalf: Oh. [talks to Director out of earshot of the tennis ball] I can't do this.
Director: Why?
Gandalf: Because it's a very important scene. I can't react to a fuzzy, yellow tennis ball with fear!
Director: You don't have a choice. [shrugging his shoulders]Besides, a 'Balrog'...'Ball on a Rod'...close enough.
Gandalf: Geez, alright [under his breath] Idiot.
Director: Okay then...ACTION!!
[[Scene begins. Wilson, the tennis ball on a rod, confronts Gandalf on the bridge. The Ball on a Rod is silent.]]
Gandalf: I am a servant of John Macenro, weilder of the flaming racket. His tantrum you shall not escape. Go back to the other side of the court!!
YOU....SHALL NOT....BOUNCE!!!!
[snork] Hehehehehe [snork] Bwahahahahaha
Outtake: Lothlorien
(merithehobbit)
Odd Narrator: Frodo and his companions walked blindfolded into the realm of Lothlorien. The elves were speaking a strange dialect of Elvish that Frodo was unfamiliar with.
Haldir: hatWay aysay ouyway ymay overslay? HouldSay, eway aketay hetay ardhay ayway roway hetay asyeay ayway?
Orophin: Ellway... tiay illway ebay uchmay unnerfay hetay ardhay ayway!
Frodo: [thinking to self] Hmmmm. They are speaking with the ay sound always on the end.... moving the first letter perhaps.. Must listen.. catching a few words.
Rumil: OOOOH... ooklay taay histay ne'soay umbay! Ancay Iay rabgay tiay?
Frodo: [whispering to self] Look... at.... This... one's... bum.. can ... I... grab... it... Ohhh.. Pippin watch out!
Pippin: Whhooo who got my bum?
Boromir: [takes off blindforld] Hey.. that is my... oh...
Haldir: Hey.. ouyay antcay aketay hattay ffoay! Ustjay ouryay hirtsay! Ooklay taay ishay ectoralspay!
Rumil: [light musical laughter and smiles knowingly at Hadir]
Frodo: [still struggling with the language, mumbling under his breath] You... cant... take... that... off... Just... your... shirt....look... at... his..pectorals.... Boromir.. watch out they are going to feel up your chest!
Pippin: Hey.. that is my.. oh..
Orophin: What.. rodoFay! You figured out our speech? Better watch your tongues fellow elves! We have a smart one.
Gimli: [trips and falls on face] Umph..
PJ: Cut... someone pick up Gimli! Take 17. Lets go.
Outtake: The Breaking of The Fellowship
(LadyOhBee)
Boombastic narrator: at the Parth of Galen...the boat drifts slowly to shore...
Aragron: get them up Legolas..
Legolas: [shoves Aragorn] that scene is way past done dude..
Aragorn: Oh, yeah.... well, still get them up Legolas and we'll camp here....
Legolas: alright alright already...[brushes off his silky blonde strands off his face] and notices thedwarf staring. C'mon Gimli, we shld take our rest (then whispesr) later ok....
Gimli: uh, ahhmm,,, ok Legolas,..C'mon hobbits
Boromir: Aragorn is going to tell you to recover your strength Gimli
Aragron: will not...
Boromir: will to....
Aragorn: not....
Legolas: shut up both of you..a shadow and threat has been growing in my pants.. (hold AK tight to his....pants)
Something .....
Aragorn: [cuts him off saying] don't even think about it.....Something draws near, I can feel it.....
there..that clears it, that really my line and my line to keep..
Voice: From behind the rock that the hobbits were resting....AAAaarrgghhh!!! [running towards the fellowship ..gasping] I'm the cave troll...aaarrggghh!! is it too late for my scene...i have been inhiatus...and someone is so kind to cover for me..AAAAaarggghh!!
Fellowship: OH, ppplleeeeaaaseee...!
Gimi: get out of these scene troll,,,do you see what Legolas is holding...
Legolas: ah..[hastily brings AK up ....] .
Cave troll: ok, i'll walk away...[whistles and
walk away]
Aragorn: now, where the ---- is Frodo...
[Everyone turns around and say al together;;Huh!!!]
Director: CUT!!!
ladyohbee: oh great...that script was realy lame..(slap)..
Director: CUT CUT.. who had given the cave troll a call card..lets get this rolling..i want a take 2...turn that boombastic sounds up, while i think....
Outtake: The Breaking of The Fellowship
(Bridget Chubb)
Frodo: I think I know already what counsel you would give, Boromir. And it would seem like wisdom, but for the warning in my pants.
Boromir: Why are you so unfriendly? I am a true man, neither hobbit-fancier nor stalker. I need your pants; that you know now; but I give you my word that I do not desire Sam's wrath. Will you not at least let me make trial of my plan? Lend me your pants!
Outtake: The Breaking of The Fellowship
(Idril)
[Scene: Upon Amon Hen]
Frodo: Could you destroy it?
[Aragorn holds his hand over the ring.]
Ring: Oh my! I didn't realize you were that cute. Aragorn... what a nice name.... Elessar... another nice name. Let's go have some "us" time, how 'bout it?
Aragorn (looking puzzled/worried): No Frodo. Even though I was able to resist the temptation to grab Pippin's bum, I would not be able to destroy this thing. (sigh) Alas, I would have gone with you to the very fires of Mordor.
Trailer: The Two Towers
(lotr42)
[From Boromir's death scene]
Boromir: [To Aragorn with his last, dying breath] "I would have followed you my brother, my captain, my king." His eyes roll heavenward, and he sees no more.
Aragorn: With tears wellin in his eyes, Be at peace, son of Gondor. [leans over, bends down over Boromir.]
[Suddenly Sean's eyes snap open, his arms embrace Viggo and he says in a sultry tone, "Kiss me, you fool!" Planting a big wet smootch right on the lips of a very started Viggo.]