The Runt Interview (continued)

(The interview is resumed at the evening's camp, halfway to Minas Tirith. Everyone seems to be in fairly high spirits and is looking forward to both performing for the King and the end of a very long and demanding concert tour. After a not so brief, impromptu bit of playing, something called a "jam session", the band members retire for the night and HWG and myself are left alone. Only "Ears" Morningstar shows any signs of sadness at the upcoming end of the tour as immediately following it's conclusion, she will be heading to the Havens and thereafter will pass into the West. It is late and HWG and myself are tired from a long day of traveling but he has graciously consented to finish the interview as there will be little time for it once we arrive in Minas Tirith.)

TR: We were talking about life after the Ring. Specifically female life. I asked you how you deal with the groupies and you responded, "One at a time." Anything to add?

HWG: Well you know man, it's like we get them all the time you know? I was really just jokin' aroun' when I said that. Mos'ly I just keepses to m'self you know? But ev'ry now and then. . .well, a man's gotta eatses, know what I'm sayin'?

TR: Yes, but isn't there anyone special?

HWG: Ain't sayin'.

TR: Should I take that as a yes?

HWG: Take it how you like man.

TR: Rumor has it that you've been seeing a certain female singer. Any truth to it?

HWG: (grins) Mebby.

TR: Sinead?

HWG: Ain't sayin'.

TR: But you know her.

HWG: Yeah, I know her.

TR: Pretty well?

HWG: Well enough and let'sss leave it at that.

TR: Alright. So how did you two meet?

HWG: She was openin' some showses for me an' I could see she don't have her heart in it see? And some o' them story songs man, whew!

TR: I know what you mean.

HWG: So's I ups an' shows her a little 12 bar riff an' she's like, "Man! How do you do that?", so's I been teachin' her a bit here and a bit there. She picked it up quick too.

TR: She's starting to get a name for herself.

HWG: Yeah, but if she's ever gonna sell ticketses she's gonna have to layoff tearin' up pictures and stuff. Folkses have got their limitses man.

TR: Well at least she's not afraid to take chances.

HWG: Yeah man, but theys chances and theys chances.

TR: That's true. So any plans for a joint tour in the future?

HWG: They's been some talk but nothing serious yet.

TR: We took some questions from some of your fans. Want to hear 'em?

HWG: Let's do it man.

TR: Okay. First, What is your favorite word?

HWG: (laughs) Oh man. I gots to say Wetwang.

TR: Why?

HWG: Jes makeses me giggle to sssay it man. Wetwang. (laughs)

TR: And your least favorite?

HWG: Oh that's easy, Missssessissssippi. Too many essessess's.

TR: If you couldn't play the blues, what else would you like to do?

HWG: I dunno, fishin' mebby.

TR: What wouldn't you want to do?

HWG: A.C.H.

TR: A.C.H.?

HWG: Assistant Crack Ho.

TR: Assistant crack ho?

HWG: Can you think of anything worse?

TR: Well. . .no actually, I can't. Assistant Crack Ho it is. A lot of blues songs have to do with "paying dues". How did you pay yours?

HWG: Dude, really. . .

TR: Oh yeah, sorry.

HWG: It's cool.

TR: Your favorite song?

HWG: Besides my own?

TR: Yes.

HWG: The Hokey-Pokey, or anything by Menudo.

TR: Now you're just having fun with me.

HWG: Well, maybe a little.

TR: How are you getting along with the King? Do you ever talk? The word is that there's still a scar from where you bit him.

HWG: Bit him? Don't remember that. Do we talk? Nah, but he's a busy fellah, not much time for an old bluesman like me. We did a gig for his troops once, down south. Didn't see him though. Did meet the Lord of The Mark though, and his ol' lady the Queen. She's a fireball that one! He seems like a nice enough young fella.

TR: You're pushing 600. Do you want to have kids?

HWG: I don't wants to rule it out, but, well, I ain't no spring chicken neither.

TR: What kind of kids would you have?

HWG: Short mos'ly.

TR: How do you explain the popularity of the blues?

HWG: Well you know, ever'body gets the blues sometimes. Folkses can just relate to it y'know? I mean the Blues ain't about no great deeds or epic journeys or nuthin'. The blues is about the little stuff, the stuff that all us regular folk got's to deal with everyday.

TR: Like what?

HWG: Like puttin' food on the table or losin' a girlfriend or a job you hateses, or gettin' stuck in the rain without no umberella. Stuff like that. Real stuff. Life stuff.

TR: A moment ago you said you "ain't no spring chicken". Is retirement coming up?

HWG: No, no, no, no. This is it for me man, I plans to keep on playin' till I dropses down dead. Sakes! Retire? Not a chance!

TR: You recently played a benefit for the "Save the Orcs" foundation. What's the deal with that?

HWG: Well orcses is people too know what I mean?

TR: I do, but there's a lot of folks out there that might dissagree with you. And in the past you had some pretty rough things to say about them yourself.

HWG: Yeah I know, nassty cruel orcses and all that, but that was a long time ago. Times change, people change.

TR: And orcs change too?

HWG: Orcses change too.

TR: And the rest of the Dark Lords former minions?

HWG: Well, if theys willin' to let go the past and try and start over, I say good an' I'll hep 'em all I can. (yawns)

TR: Well, it's been a busy last few days and it's getting late. I'm sure you'd like to get some rest before you head off to Minas Tirith. Is there anything you'd like to say before you go?

HWG: Jes that it's a big ol' world out there an' it's full of all kind of folkses and ain't a one of us that's perfect. We all made mistakesess at one time or another and done a thing or two we'd jes as soon forget. But if you give folkses a chance, and they's willin' in they hearts, they jes might surprise you. People change.

TR: Gollums too?

HWG: (laughs) Gollums too.

END