Ask the Characters

Once upon a time a very nice young lady going by the name of Bridget Chubb posted the following:

"The one redeeming quality of the Elijah Wood board (besides Frodo & Harry, of course! Only reason I go there in the first place...) is a thread they have going called "Ask LOTR Characters." The first person asks a character a question, the next one answers it as that character and asks a new question, etc..."

That fated day was january the twenty fourth, 2002, a day that will live in infamy...

It is now October 15th of that same year and 741 posts later things have not gotten any better at all. "Ask the Characters" is like a great, horrible amoeba that is devouring everything in it's path and just keeps getting bigger and bigger and bigger... I think it likes brain cells the best. Anyway, the thread, (located at the at the prancing pony message board at Netscape), keeps getting a little larger and cyberspace keeps getting a little smaller. Someday, hopefully not in my lifetime, cyberspace will be nothing more than a great, single thread called ask the characters.

Here 40 of the best of those messages, carefully selected at random and with no thought at all to quality.

Yes, the Amoeba has divided and now there are two of them running around.

Pray for entropy, it is our only hope.

Russ

Eowyn: What's it like being a shieldmaiden in a man's world?

Feed the men, wash the damn dishes, look after the kids and the old folks, clean the castle, polish the armour, kill the Witchking, feed the men, wash the dishes...
Elrond's twins, what's it like having a drop-dead sister who's about to leave you forever?

Answer #1: Elladan: She's always talking about Aragorn... Estel this and Estel that... yadda yadda yada.

Elrohir: Ya... annoying!

Elladan: It's not that we don't like the guy. We've been hunting with him lots. He really knows how to dice a warg.

Elrohir: Ya... he's a good hunter, fer sure.

Elladan: But to tell you the truth, it'll be a lot more peaceful around here when she moves out.

Elrohir: Ya... nice and quiet.

Elladan: And we'll probably go visit later. They're planning to have a big family and we get to be fairy god-uncles.

Elrohir: Ya... babies are cute.
To Merry and Pippin: What was so great about Southfarthing weed?

Sssssvvvvvvvvv... No seeds, man!
Treebeard: Now that Saruman and his slimy servant Wormtongue are gone for good, Isengard is the domain of the Ents. What are you going to do with it?

Well, right now we're taking bids for redevelopment. So far it looks like the Entwood theme park and I-MAX is going to get it, but this guy named Vince came in here the other day with a proposal about something called the XFL. Our Lawyers are looking into it even now.

Oh yeah, Hroom, hrummm, yadda yadda. . .
Ringwraiths - Who decided to let the WitchKing would be your leader? What makes him so special?

We all took an evilness test. WiKi was in the 99.7 to 99.8 percentile range. Seven of the rest of us got in the 99.0 to 99.6 range. Our 9th member, Bob, hasn't been able to overcome his love of kittens. He only got a 88.2. We're hoping to get him replaced.
Faramir, how did you learn not to be power-hungry like your father and brother? Is this some younger-child submissiveness trait?

Who said I wasn't power hungry? Well, I'd say anything to keep the old man off guard. And why do you think Pops sent me way out here? 'Cause he hoped I'd get wacked by an orc! But he was wrong, big mistake. And now that big bro is out of the picture, my time is close at hand. Sleep lightly old man...
For Barliman Butterbur: the name "Prancing Pony" is hardly the type to attract such a rough group of customers, I would have thought that your patrons would be a little more "Elven" if you know what I mean. Not that there's anything wrong with that. So how'd you come up with the name.

Elves don't have a monopoly on prancing. And I hope you noticed it was an all male crowd around the bar at "The Pony."
An orc, any orc, two questions: with such a bad manager, don't you ever wish for a better job, such as Guardian of Rivendell or Fellow of the Ring; and are you all boys or are some of you the 'evil' girls we think missing from LOTR?

The job itself isn't so great, but we do get some nice benefits - paid vacations, 401K, stock options...We're working now on getting a dental plan and we'll be all set! As for the second question, no, there are no girls here. We're forced to find ways of entertaining ourselves without the benefit of female company...

NOT that there's anything wrong with that!
So, Slinker and Stinker, which of you is stronger, and why?

Stinker: wees don't likes being called by the nassssssty namessss he gives uss....rude hobbit gives usssss nassssssty mean name...Smeagol isss weaksiessssssss...doesssn't talk muchesssssss...isn't that right? preciousssssss...yesss... precioussss... Smeagol doesn't talk to precioussss..only mes talkss to preciousssssssss OW! *slaps self*

Slinker: I's wants a turn!

Stinker: Shut up!

Slinker: No! I'm tired of you bossing me around!

Stinker: No! Precioussssssss...

Slinker: ENOUGH ABOUT STUPID PRECIOUS! *Hits self over one side of head with hammer* ::silence:: ....................

Slinker: Who's the stronger personality now...heh...
Isildur, Frodo couldn't destroy the ring but he's considered a big hero. Meanwhile everybody keeps ragging on you for being weak. What's up with that?

All anyone can see is that "Frodo's a cute little hobbit...aww look at his big blue eyes...aww look how brave he is to leave home." Then they look at me and say "What an idiot. It's all his fault that the Ring wasn't destroyed earlier. Geez, men ARE weak. Why didn't he just chuck it in?"

Let me tell you the real story:

1) Elrond's anti-men propaganda has been going on for the past 3000 years...ever since I beat him at the annual Middle-Earth Arm-Wrestling Tournament just before the Last Alliance. Hey, he should have been able to figure it out...elves may be able to walk on top of snow, but for the same reason (Hollow bones) they suck at arm wrestling...anyway, so he was really bitter about that and when I took the ring it gave him the perfect opportunity to start badmouthing us. Nice that he never mentions how he didn't TELL me the Ring was evil (If he even knew himself...he claims he knew it all along but I'm not buying it.) I mean, how was I supposed to know? An evil RING? Come on! Who would've guessed? Elrond was just waay too proud that the Elves were Ringbearers and didn't turn into wraiths...he didn't want to share the glory with men.

2) Frodo is way overrated. Sure he left home blah blah blah...but really, if you were three feet tall and if an immortal wizard who could (almost) defeat a Balrog told you to take the Ring and leave home, you'd do it! Same thing with the "I will take the Ring" stuff. Did you notice that Gandalf was right next to Frodo at the Council of Elrond? You think he just sat there and let Frodo decide to take the Ring all on his own? No way! It never would have happened! No, I'll tell you why Frodo volunteered. Gandalf threatened to tell Bilbo the truth about Sam and Frodo. (Yes, it is true. Rosie was just a cover.) Frodo cared a lot about Bilbo, I'll give you that. And Bilbo was very conservative...Frodo didn't want to upset the old hobbit. And the only way to keep Gandalf quiet was to take the damn Ring. That was his only motivation. He cared nothing for Middle Earth.

3) Why did Gandalf want Frodo to take the Ring? Who would be the obvious person to take it? That's right...the powerful immortal Wizard! And since no one in their right mind, including Gandalf, wanted to take the Ring, Gandalf had to find someone else to volunteer or he'd get stuck with the job. Frodo was just the easiest to intimidate, especially with all his secrets. How Gandalf found out about Sam I don't know...Of course, Gandalf's not a bad guy...he just didn't want to have to go to Mordor! (Which is why he ditched the Fellowship at Moria...by the time he "arose from the dead" (ha!) it was too late to catch up.) So after the Ring was destroyed, Gandalf felt bad and made Frodo out to be this big hero. Guilty conscience and all.

Idril: Thanks for clearing that up, Isildur! [Applause] :) (aside to audience) This is your brain. This is a magic ring. This is your brain on a magic ring. Get the picture?

Isildur: I heard that. You think he's pretty, don't you?

Bridget: Shut up. No one cares.

And it's time to leave Isildur alone with his bitterness (and mental instability)....
Legolas: You seemed pretty excited about the whole "join the fellowship/go to Mordor/defeat Sauron" thing. But Sauron had been in your own forest for years. If you're so keen to defeat him, why didn't you just get him when he was right there in Mirkwood?

Well we didn't know it was Sauron of course. When we sent some folks over to welcome him to the neighborhood he said he was a necromancer. When they asked what that meant, he said it was sort of like an encyclopedia salesman.
So Halbarad, why did the twins make you carry that banner their sister made? Was it too heavy for them?

The twins are so immature. They refused to touch the thing because they claimed it still had Arwen's "cooties" on it. Geez you guys, grow up already!
To Legolas - Did the Wood-Elves ever get mad that Galadriel and co. had the beautiful, Elvish name of "Lothlorien" and the nickname "The Golden Wood" for their forest, while you guys were stuck with "Mirkwood"?

Nah, it's been called so many things over the years that I've lost track. I just call it Home. Galadriel is a flibbertygibbet who keeps moving home, and they always think her place (wherever) is Golden.

Actually we changed the name ourselves after the Necromancer moved in. (See previous question -- we were a little confused and thought that Necromancer meant Encyclopedia Salesman.) Anyway, Mirk is actually elvish for "No Soliciting" and we thought he would get the hint and move away.
Morgoth, you were cast into the void by the other Valar. I grew up about 20 minutes from there. Is it still as boring as it was in the 70's?

Dude, didn't you hear? They discovered oil here a few years ago and let me tell you, it's not a void anymore! I'm just glad I got here first and got all the prime real estate...pretty soon I'll have enough dough to blow this popsicle stand and return to my true purpose in life: TAKING OVER THE WORLD! Mwahahahaha....
White Tree, how do you get to bear fruit when there's only one of you?

I'm very...uh...self-servicing. Heh.
Hey Gandalf, Lucky you! Since you seem to be wise and all knowing (or pretty damn close), maybe you can answer one of man's age-old questions: Why don't applejacks taste like real apples?

Lucky me my butt. You try answering Pippin's questions all day, trying to convince Shadowfax not to throw him off because he won't shut up...Then I get here and there's more questions...aargh! Anyway, applejacks were once real apples, until the dark lord Sauron (or was it Melkor? Ah, who cares, those Dark Lords are all the same.) Anyway, he took the apples and mutilated them into a horrible mockery of apples. Luckily they can only be eaten for breakfast...but I hear Saruman's trying to breed applejacks with milk to create an army that can be eaten for an afternoon snack as well! All of Middle-Earth must work together to defeat Sauron and his Applejacks!
Elanor (daughter of Rosie and Sam): Several of the kids in our land are going to dress up as Hobbits this year for a certain holiday. Do hobbit children ever play dress up? If so, what do you like to dress up as?

Power Rangers. :)
Quickbeam: What was the question you answered yes to before the older Ent was finished asking it?

It was "Isn't it a pleasant morning?" I had to answer when I did or we would have been talking about "Well, yes it was a pleasant morning when you started asking but now it's afternoon..." and by the time we got the pleasant time-of-day thing pinned down it would have been midnight.
Merry and Pippin, in the book you were pretty serious characters...but in the movie you were mainly the comic relief. Do you guys feel okay with that?

Merry: What? We are the comic relief? Pippin... how could this happen?

Pippin: Merry, I guess people think our lives are funny... I mean that's just how we hobbits are!

Merry: But, we are the coolest and bravest hobbits in the Shire!

Pippin: Yea, but now we can do standup too I guess..

Both: Oh, good future, naaawh, we don't have a problem with that.. got any thing to eat?
Pippin, doesn't it bother you were the last one to be with Denethor before he burnt himself on a pyre? Pretty dramatic way to go.... what did you say to him in those last days?

I said if he gained any more weight he'd have to get new mail. I didn't think he'd go whacko on me. Sheesh! I was just hoping he'd give me his extra pastry.
To all or any of the elves: are all of your kind going to leave Middle Earth and if so, doesn't anyone care about the friends and other people of Middle Earth when you are all gone?

Elrond steps forward: We elves are tired of everyone asking us to do everything for them. Oh please, Elrond, keep me safe Elrond, hide the ring Elrond, I want to marry your daughter Elrond! We don't have any other friends besides elves, so we decided we'll dump everything on mankind and hightail over the sea. To a place where male elves can admire their looks and wear feminine hair clips in peace.
Arwen's brothers: Where do you travel off to so much??

Elladan: We go hunting Orcs, and then we love to stick around & have a good beer with Elessar...

Elrohir: El, c'm on, tell 'em the truth of what we do with Elessar! It's the girls we're chasing! Just ... please, don't tell my sister!!! She'd get mad at us!
Celeborn: did anyone tell you people think you're useless?

Me, useless?!

I can't believe anyone would say that about me. There's no way... I thought people loved and respected me... Galadriel said I was very incompetent...

That is a good thing, isn't it?
Frodo, Pippin, Sam, Merry and Bilbo (If he hasn't forgotten what it's like)...After a good bonking, do you lie back and smoke on Long bottom or Old Toby?

Frodo: Ummm...

Sam: Rosie likes Old Toby.

Merry: I'll smoke the first weed I see...

Pippin: I eat.

Bilbo has declined to answer and Frodo is still thinking.
Ghan-buri-Ghan, are the wild men chickens or was a twister comin' or did the wind smell really bad, or WHAT THE MORDOR WERE YOU RUNNIN' FROM???

Ghan-buri-Ghan: Wild man not chicken. Wild man eat chicken, but wild man not chicken. We smell [sniff sniff] in the air much evil. Harsh wavering voices of boy bands shriek and break glass, and Nazgirls stand by and mouth lyrics. Wild men do not wish to see synchronized dance.
Hey Elladan and Elrohir, is there any way of telling you two apart? Do you know which is which? ;)

Elladan: Well, I know I'm not him.

Elrohir: And he tells me who I am.

Elladan: Yes, you're Elrohir.

Elrohir: Not when I'm with the lovely Aremyn.

Elladan: WHAT?
Guards of Minas Tirith: What do you guys do to pass the time when there's no major threat to the safety of Middle Earth--checkers or cards? Poker or Go Fish?

Guard #1: We are unfaltering in our vigilence against the foes of Mordor. The Enemy would be hard pressed to find a moment when his every move is not watched by the eyes of Minas Tirith!

Guard #2: So, Bob, do you have any fours or what?

Guard #1: [glare] No, Flippetygibbit, I do not have any fours. Go fish!
Elladan and Elrohir, what was the first thing you did after dear old dad left Middle Earth?

Elladan: We grieved and wept and mourned the loss...

Elrohir: NOT!!!!

Elladan: What d'ya think we were gonna do?? We partied like there was no tomorrow.

Elrohir: Then we did all the things "dear old Dad" never let us do...

Elladan: We swam after we ate, neglected to brush our teeth and hair after meals...

Elrohir: stopped putting clips in our hair, and teased Arwen... A LOT.

Elladan: Duh!!
Grima: Tell the truth, if you can, did you drug Theoden?

Well..."drugged" is such a strong word...I'd rather think of it as better living through pharmacology...
Boromir, you carried your shield everywhere with you, but didn't have it at the end when you really needed it. What were you thinking?!?

I knew there was something I was forgetting. And you know when I finally remembered? When I got shot the first time. I thought to myself: Gee, Boromir, where's your shield now? Or maybe it was: S***! Where's my f***in' shield now?
Any of the Durins after Durin I, do you remember anything about your previous incarnations?

Durin MCXVI: I had previous incarnations?
Sauron: Bilbo put the ring on for his disappearing act on his birthday and didn't seem to be plagued with terrifying visions of your flaming eye as Frodo was every time he put the ring on. Didn't you get that call or were you in the shower at the time?

Sauron: First of all, everyone knows that the rings always calls to you when you're in the shower. Second, I think we all also know that Frodo's a little more *sensitive* than others.
Balrog: You were having a nice nap deep in the bowels of Moria before the dwarves woke you up. What was your first thought after sleeping for so long?

Balrog: I'm going to murder that goblin that spiked my drink and WHERE THE HECK ARE MY PANTS!!!
Radaghast (never could spell his name): What did you do after you spoke with Gandalf? Was that really the last thing you did involving the War of the Ring??

Radaghast the Brown: Hey no Man. See, as the Grey Pilgram said, I'm a wizard of the wild... commune with the birds and the beasts, you know? Man, me a few of my furry brothers got together, shared a few tokealis (thats a distant cousin to the ethilis plant, but you smoke it, not chew it), then got the munchies and made our plans. You remember that bird that dropped a strategic package right in the eye of the Witch King? That was us! You remember the Orc that tripped over a squirrel that had darted out during combat? Us again! And that huricane that swept over the battlefield at the right moment? That was the work of one of my butterfly buddies in the Far East of Middle Earth! Ya now Man, its just like the establishment not to give any credit to the little man.
Arwen, you gave up your immortality for Aragorn. What were you thinking?!

Well like Aragorn was sooo hot and I was like sooo horn...attracted to him and then he starts quoting this poetry and I was like OMIGOD! That is soooo coool! And then he told me he was the King and he wanted me to like, be his Queen and I was like sooo thrilled and he was like sooo hot and it made my dad like really, really mad and my mom really, really jealous and all my friends thought he was like sooo hot and that we made like, THE CUTEST COUPLE! And then he started having to go away on business all the time and he started coming home and I was like OMIGOD! He was like all sweaty and dirty and I was like I am SO sure but then he would start saying poetry and I would ...What was the question?
Tom Bombadil, dude, Huge Yellow boots? Blue jacket? Feather in the hat? The hat? The crown of leaves? The ridiculous songs?And the bit with the ring? Dude, what is up with you?

Tom Bombadil: The outfit....well, er, I, uhhhhhhh....

Goldberry: He was stoned out of his mind...He started to sing stupid things...then he tried to dress himself! I'm surprised the hobbits couldn't tell.

Tom: GoldberRY! They were medicinal drugs...

Goldberry: [rolls eyes]
Legolas: Does it bug you that Galadriel is prettier than you?

Legolas: She is like SO not prettier than me! That hag?!? She's like infinity years old! I mean, get over it. Whats with the bug-eyes and such when she talks about the ring? Sure she's the queen and all, but does she HAVE to insist on being the prettiest one of all? Thats like, so Snow White! I mean, not even the right story! *hmppfh* (goes off to pout in a corner)
Shadowfax: How do you feel about this growing rivalry between you and Asfaloth?

Shadowfax: Asfaloth? That stupid...Just because he can outrun a few Ringwraiths, he thinks he's worthy of all this attention. Pshaw! Growing rivalry my hind legs! There's no contest. I am clearly the better of the two. Asfaloth is just a little upstart who has never even been in a real batte or killed an orc. [mumbling to self] Useless race horse. Ridiculous Elven horses...
Legolas: Elves are supposed to ride bareback, but in the sneak peaks of TTT we've gotten, we see you on a saddle? What's up with that?!?

Hey, it was the horse's choice, not mine! Said he wasn't ready for a "relationship" just yet, and that he didn't feel comfortable getting "that close." What a prude.
So, Gimli. How many times a year DO you wash your hair and beard? Or is that sort of a dreadlocks thing you've got going?

I certainly wash my hair and beard more often than the human men in the fellowship. You won't be playing 'Hide the Helmet' with an elfen queen if you look like you've been crawling through ditches for the past 3 weeks.

Besides, having a soft, well-groomed beard is perfect for comforting all the young lasses the elf doesn't find attractive.

THE END????

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